Overheard Conversations With NON-Bloggers


photo-149Any of this sound familiar?

Neighbor:  I don’t read blogs.  Why don’t you just Turn Your Blog Into A Real Book or something?

Me:  What’s wrong with reading a blog?  It’s free.  It’s entertaining. It’s easy and it’s short and sweet.

Neighbor:  Oh you know.  Well, you know.  So what do you hope to get out of this little obsession of yours, anyhow?

Me:  It’s gratifying to express myself, the humor is cathartic for me.  Oh, and I’m bringing peace in the middle East.

Neighbor:  Why don’t you actually go out in the real world and do the things you waste your time blogging about?

Me:  Excuse me, can you turn down the volume of your “America’s Funniest Home Videos,” – – I couldn’t quite catch that last question.

Neighbor:  Right.  Well you know what they say – –  “Those that can – – do.  And those that can’t . . . Blog.”  To each his own.  But how can someone possibly make any money doing this Blah Blah Blah-gging stuff?

Me:  Several ways.  If you get enough people reading, then advertisers will want to be on your blog.  Also if you want to publish a book then…

Neighbor:  Fantastic.   So when are you gonna Co-Star on someone else’s website.  Like going on the Oprah or Ellen show!

Me:  You mean Guest Blog?

Neighbor: Oh, you’re probably not good enough for that.  I heard you could get sued or in big trouble with blogging if you don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.  Or you put your foot in your mouth? Couldn’t you?

Me:  Yep,  “YOU”  sure could.

Mother Knows Best (About Blobs & Such)

Mother:  We sent you to college for THIS?

Me:  Got my B.B. degree (Bachelor’s in Blogging)

Mother:   Isn’t Blogging just a fad, like Hula Hoops, Mood Rings, and Sex?photo-197

Me:  Yeah, that’s right.  Just like that silly old Sex trend,  Ma.  Lots of Hits = Multiple Blogasms.

Mother:  (Blushing) Well last night I tried to read some of your recent Pillars and Poles – –  and I just didn’t get what they were about.

Me:  Pillars and Poles?  Oh my Posts.  Well, thank you for reading.  Maybe you could even leave a comment.

Mother:  Me?  Oh,  I wouldn’t have anything to say.  That’s Your thing, Dear.  Well, I guess I could leave a little remark about how you hardly spit-up, walked at 10 months,  and by 2 years old  had a vocabulary of 1,850 words.  We knew right then you’d grow up to be a great, big, successful Blabber.

Me:  Blogger, Ma. Blogger.  And you’re not filling out my Baby Book.  Just leave a simple comment that you like my writing.

Mother:  Oh….I see.  You want me to lie.

The Not So Sweet Sixteen

Daughter:  Who gave you the idea that you could have a humor blog?  You’re not ever funny around the house.  Well, only when you trip over things and that one time you shrunk the living room carpet down to a bath mat.

Me:  Yeah, that was hilarious. And now when anyone takes a shower, I have to tell them not to drip water on my good oriental rug.

Daughter:  Why don’t you blog about recipes or crafts like other normal mothers?

Me:  Because I can’t cook or glue things.

Daughter:  True.  But it’s major awkward that you blog about all the disrespectful stuff I say and the bad grades I get.

Me:  You could just be polite and study.

Daughter:  See?  You’re sooo not funny.  And I’m 16.  When are you going to teach me how to drive already?

Me:  The next time I get Writer’s Block and need some new material.

Daughter:  It’s always about you, isn’t it?   You’re like some kind of Attention Hogger Bragger Blogger.

Me:  You know something, young Lady?  I poured my whole life into you children and…

Daughter:  I know, I know – – there’s a law firm crying at this very moment over their grave loss in court because you gave birth instead.

Me:  So smug.  I COULD have become a lawyer.  But I wasn’t going to say that.  I was going to say that in order to be a better mother to all of you, I have to help myself be happy first.

Daughter:  You get so much mileage out of that “Airplane Oxygen Mask” thing, don’t you?

And The Male Non-Bloggers Are The Most Fun!

Husband:  So daily blogging is the one New Year’s resolution you’re finally able to keep?

Me:  Shhhh, can I just format this last paragraph and add a title and then I’ll listen to you.

Husband:  When can you stop typing and make dinner?

Me:  Don’t you have other thoughts besides food?

Husband:  When can you stop typing and make love?

Me:  Didn’t you hear that Sex went out with Pokemon?photo-198

Husband:  Can’t you at least blog about Victoria’s Secret and review lace push-up bras or something?

Me:  This blog is not about things of the flesh.  I have better things to write about than breasts.

Husband:  Right.  And you didn’t just recently dedicate a whole entire post to your own set of boobs.  ???

Me:  That was different.  But Aha!  So you have been reading my blog?

Husband:  Who do you think left the comment asking what the record for largest cup size is?

Me:  Okay, okay, I’ll come to bed if you let me blog about what’s about to take place there first.  You can check it for accuracy and errors, I promise.

Husbad:  I think I actually just found a typo.  To the left here, in the blue font – –  you accidentally spelled Husband  with the word “bad” on the end.  Unless that’s some sort of commentary on my bedroom skills?

Me:  Yeah, that was intentional.  But let’s have some more of your spell-checking, Honey.  Keep it up.  Let’s see how long you can go for.

Husbad:  Man, talk about  your “Proofreading Anxiety!  Never mind – – WordPress can have you for the night!! (looks down sheepishly)  I’ve already got “Correctile Dysfunction.”

Does anyone in your life really, truly “Get” your Blog??  Who is the least understanding of your blogging world?   Leave me your comments below.

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68 thoughts on “Overheard Conversations With NON-Bloggers

  1. LOL. The “Any of this sound familiar” was so true. I loved your retorts. My wife at first would only ask, “Why?” Now, she just accepts my blogging. I think it’s probably because I’m not under foot when I’m doing a post, thus out of her way.

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      • I have to admit, it surprised my wife and I a little bit to not to be watching it today. But she loves the Packers and I love the Niners…and that probably tells you plenty. Add that we both dislike Roger Godell, and you have a recipe for NFL neglect today. And that’s a first for me.

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  2. I love the teenage daughter conversation! I have an almost 11-year-old who daily lets me know how unfunny I am by gazing at me with a mixture of disgust/boredom. Occasionally she gazes upward to emphasize my unfunniness. At least she’s stopped rolling her eyes at me since every time she tries she end’s up tripping over her feet or pulling an eye muscle. Great post!

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  3. I love: “You should publish a book!” Like it is oh so easy! Ohhhh! PUBLISH A BOOK! Thanks! I hadn’t thought of that! Let me do that right after I fold this laundry.

    Let’s do the equivalent of “Why don’t yo publish a book?”:

    “Why do you live in an apartment? Why not build a house?”

    “Your daughter stole the show in her 4th grade play! You should take her to Hollywood and have her in Spielberg’s next movie.”

    “You are soooo good at swimming! Have you considered the Olympics?”

    “You can’t afford to put gas in your car? Buy a Hybrid. They use a lot less gas. Or better yet a TESLA. They use NO gas.”

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    • Hysterical!!!! There’s your next blog!! (Everyone who says they read my comments, follow this lady for your next laugh!!!!) By the way, did you click on the link where the neighbor suggests making a book in my first paragraph?? You can actually see how it would look instantly!!!! Try it and let me know!! I don’t know what’s happened to me this morning, I must’ve been bitten by the Excitement Bug, (first symptom-over use of exclamation marks!). See the effect your comments have on me, Underground??

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  4. This has to be your most hilarious blog yet. And you’re right…very few people ‘get it’. And now I have a new word to work into my vocabulary. That great feeling I get when I successfully upload another post – blogasm. PS – I read all the comments, too.

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    • Wow, really? Thank you so much. I felt it was kind of weak when I hit publish, so I went back looking for places I could “funny it up.” Really appreciate that you “got” the humor. Waiting to see if a non-blogger likes it! 😉

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  5. You are a Master(ette) of the double-entendre…loved reading all the comments too! What a crowd! I actually have a lot of support. I especially love when my mother makes a comment. She always announces herself…’this is Donna’s mother speaking…’ Oh, and I thought the half a candy heart is intentional…I like it.

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    • Yay! A vote for the half-heart candy! That’s great because I cannot for the life of me re-size it. Maybe my mother can, though. 😉 You’re so sweet to spend time reading comments, Donna. Now, I’m gonna be on the lookout for “Donna’s Mother” when I peruse yours!!

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  6. OK…I admit it. I don’t like reading blogs! I barely know what a blog is and what’s more my sense of humor is declining with age. But what’s a Mom to do when her own daughter has a blog??? OK, so I read it and sing praises to her. But as soon as the intense questions come, I hang my head and admit that I didn’t really understand most of it. So don’t be angry, cause “I really like your writing sweetheart!.” Love you, Mom

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    • Hi Mom! Thanks for stepping out of the scary blog shadows and leaving a comment. Next time, I will try to ask a less intense question than, “So, what did you think?” 😉 I think everyone has someone in their life who doesn’t understand what a blog is and so you were a great inspiration for this particular topic. I’ll keep listening to you attentively, for some indication of what I should blog about next!

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  7. That Neighbor thing that sounded familiar and it was hilarious 😀 . I have two friends in my life that truly GET my blog, but I hat explaining to people who don’t GET WHAT BLOGGING MEANS! They all think that your blogging about what you eat for breakfast or other silly things.. They don’t get that we bloggers express ourselves and write about things that we want to achieve , our dreams or whats in portent.

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    • Hi Tina! I know, right? I left Facebook to get away from everyone’s dinners and manicures! Blogging can be so fragile and vulnerable. We ARE putting ourselves out there, you are so right. I was terrified to hit “publish” on my Quest For Smaller Breasts post. Even with humor, you feel extremely exposed. And then for people to “not get it” can just feel like a slap in the face. I am always so appreciative of your insightful comments. Thank you.

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  8. Funny! My husband tries to be supportive but he always seems astounded that anyone is actually reading, let alone, following my blogs. I’m just glad he isn’t “following” me. So much freer when I write that way.

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    • Hi Deborah… As the end of my post today implied, I think sometimes our significant other “secretly follows” us just to make sure we stay on the straight and narrow… Lol. Very glad you have a supportive person in your hubby. Writers need that so much. We already tear ourselves down enough as it is.

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  9. I’ll never understand humor bloggers. How do they keep finding the funny in a world of struggle, confusion and fear. How do they find the bright spots in the normal everyday events of hum drum life? How do they possess the power to put a smile on the face of their readers who sometimes seem to have forgotten how? I have no idea. They must be very special indeed. I may never understand them, but I am certainly glad they are here.

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    • Hi Blockader…I feel the same way you do, but not just about humor writers, but all those “Silver Lining, Positive Spin, Look on Bright Side” real life people who go skipping thru the daisies when I’m throwing up my hands and saying, “Life sucks!” But then I try to poke fun at it and blog and feel a smidgen (is that a tablespoon?) better. Especially when people like you show up in my comments section! I don’t feel so alone.

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  10. I can relate to everything you wrote. Same kinda stuff happens to me. But whenever they- neighbour, mom, daughter, husband- have a writing assignment, they ask for my help (for free), and call me writer.

    These lines were genius:
    Neighbor: Why don’t you actually go out in the real world and do the things you waste your time blogging about?

    Me: Excuse me, can you turn down the volume of your “America’s Funniest Home Videos,” – – I couldn’t quite catch that last question.

    The best come back ever!

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    • Dear Lively! You are spot on with your first paragraph!!!! How many college application essays have we ghost written? Lots of universities getting Casper as an incoming Freshman, huh?? Thank you so much for singling out the very first piece of dialogue that came to me for this blog. Your attention to detail is as remarkable as your Lively Twist! ;-). I am very appreciative of your time for reading and commenting. Thank you again.

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  11. I don’t know where to start – there are so many gems here – you had me LOL’ing and I do not normally laugh out loud. Hardly ever, especially while reading. Are you sure you aren’t a sitcom writer already?

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  12. Your “Pillars and Poles” are amazingly funny! My folks don’t know I blog, but maybe I could follow your lead and write one where I imagine how they would react; I’ll first take your permission though :P.
    As for your question, I think the people least appreciative of my blogging world are some of my friends to whom I’ve told that I have a blog and they just went “good for you!” and immediately changed the topic! It felt like I told them “Hey! Look I’m the king of the world” and they went “meh.” 😦
    As for who gets my blog? Even I don’t get it! 😛 It’s just something I do “for no reason whatsoever”! 😀

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    • I simply adore that they say “Meh” in India too!! And Sir Sid, you need not my permission, but you have my request (insistence?) Please do write it. Your last blog was GREAT!! And I am hoping you will go to my brand new page, “Who’s reading this Quirkiness?) and respond when you have a free moment as well. Thank you as usual for your kind remarks.

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  13. Heh – considering the number of followers I have (a very small handful) even most people in the blogosphere don’t get my “blobbing” 🙂 My hubs is very supportive though and the same can be said about my parents.

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  14. Well the husband is trying to be supportive while looking very confused – a darling but a true academic if it isn’t as dry as the Sahara he get’s somewhat confused (it’s why he stopped asking me to proof read/edit his work – it coming back to him with little comments and asides) – he is funny when he get’s all ruffled.

    Mum and Dad – well she takes the record time for the I told you so (on my case to write or blog for ages) and Dad well he’s having a ball – very quiet and conservative man who always seems to get a kick out of when I do odd (to him anyway) things. I mean when I got arrested at protest meets back in the day and my mum (who was a politician at that point) would try desperately to pretend I didn’t exist – he would trot on down to the watch house and bail my friends and I out and take us to lunch/dinner/breakfast and be happily shocked at what had happened. When we made TV he’d record it for posterity with mum clucking like a wounded chook (an Aussie chicken).

    But I have to say I don’t think anyone who doesn’t blog for the sheer hellacious fun of it truly understands the addiction – oops I mean obsession – no that’s not good either ummm nope not really another word springs to mind which is somewhat disquieting.

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    • Jenni…love your Aussie expressions! I have to say your last paragraph speaks (blogs?) to me in a strong way. Addiction AND Obsession. The psychosocial reasons for this “addiction” are probably fascinating based on what each blogger gets out of it. But at least we don’t have black-outs, gain weight, lose our home and $$, crash our car, steal or pimp ourselves out on the streets like some other addictions cause people to do. Still, I don’t mind saying that my next post will probably be on a 12 Step program for Bloggers. Because I confess to telling others around me, “Hey! I can quit anytime I want.” NOT!!

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      • Quit – QUIT noooooo (this is the best I can do for an anguished wail at the moment ’cause someone used the Q word)

        No no no don’t like the word, idea, concept I’m FINE – your’re fine we’re all FINE.

        I’ve looked up different types of addiction and I’m a Functioning Addict – as you said, don’t crash the car, lose the house, kill my liver I just write and read and surf for more blogs to read and write.

        I’m awake when my husband goes to work, get house stuff done early, crash in bed and am up when it’s time for everyone to come home – do the wife thing – and then everyone with everyone in the house asleep the house is mine Mahawaha (evil laugh or possibly just a snicker laced with a smirk)

        In the quiet I start again and dive on back in the the blogging world. Funny thing as someone who has insomnia and has had all her life I’ve found I get more and more rested sleep when I do it this way than what is considered a ‘normal pattern’. So there will be no talk of the Q-word – it could lead to “issues” – not sure what issues but I’m sure I have plenty to call on.

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  15. You have point. Funny, but some truly don’t understand good humor without the Bloggerdash. When you blog about something controversial they will come out from under the carpet. The part about the teenager was hilariously classic. Of course you neighbor sounds like a real winner, the type that complains about kids splashing in the pool. too funny.

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