OMG! God Is Everywhere. . . Online!

photo-351It’s a full moon and God has been stalking me.  Online.   Now mind you, I think it could possibly be a God Fraud, (He spells his name Godd) but I still find it enormously flattering and will NOT get a restraining order.   It all started when I couldn’t resist clicking on the “See Who Viewed You Recently,” button on “Linked In.”  And there he was!

Godd’s Profile on LinkedIn

PROFESSIONS:

1.  Vacuum Salesman  (Cleanliness Is Next To Godliness?)

2.  Detective/Investigator (God Works in Mysterious Ways?)

3.  Atlas Van Lines (God Can Move Heaven AND Earth?)

4.  Beef Industry (Holy Cow!)

5.  Math Teacher (Your Numbers Up!)

He also endorsed me for Writing Poetry, Building Toothpick Sculptures and Cooking Meatloaf Shaped like a Heart.  How on earth did Godd ever know that??

The next thing I knew, Godd sent me a Friend Request on Facebook!!  For Heaven’s sake!

So I checked him out there, too….

Godd’s Profile on Facebook

Divorced From:  Betsy   (Heavens To Betsy!)

Children:   Two

Daughter – Marcy  (Lord Have Mercy? – – Typo on Birth Certificate?)

Son – Susej  (Dyslexia?)

Favorite Quote:  “There, but for the Grace of God, Go I.”

Favorite Food:  Angel Food Cake

Favorite Song:  “My Sweet Lord” (George Harrison)  and “God Only Knows” (The Beach Boys)

Favorite Movie:  All Dogs Go To Heaven

Pet Peeve:  Why do so many people have to sneeze every single minute?


Then to my surprise, I got a notification that Godd had become a Follower of mine right here on WordPress, so I went to peruse his Blog and this is what I saw.

 

“Godd With a Blog”

Where I part the          Red         C         C’s

Godd’s About Page – – This blog is for all my creations made in my own image.  I am all places at all times, all knowing and all powerful.   I command you to follow thee.

 

COMMENTS  (3)

 

photo-192 Wow.   You’ve really got a God complex.  Good luck with that, buddy!

 

 

IMG_3028
Thanks for liking my most recent post on Tablets.  You did understand that they were electronic, right?  Just checking because the advice to smash them was confusing? At any rate, it will be nice to have an omniscient narrator around.

 

photo-180

I really like the theme of your blog.  Maybe you could write an updated list of the Ten Plagues?  Cuz Lice?  Really?


Then suddenly I got a Wink from Godd at Match.Com.  Of course I just had to view him there.

Godd’s Profile on Match.Com

 

Hi!  Thank you for considering me.  Though I’m not tall, dark and handsome, I count my blessings that I don’t look like George Burns.  But the good news is – –  YOU needn’t have the face of an Angel either.  Just be a good person.  I would describe my personality as follows:   Wise (Proverbs 3:19; Romans 16:26-27) Righteous and Just (Deuteronomy 32:4; Psalm 11:7; Psalm 119:137) and Gracious (Exodus 34:6).

I have just a few rules I would like for my Perfect Match to follow, well there’s Ten really.  Be warned:  There could be Hell to pay if you don’t abide by them.  But we can talk about that on our first date.  And Holy Smokes, please be a non-smoker! As for what we’ll do together?  For G-d’s sake, please leave that in My Hands, too.  I have a Grand Plan.  But we won’t be going to hell in a handbasket, I can promise you that.

My hobbies are Walking on Water, Burning Bushes, Raising Hell and when it Freezes Over, I Pave the road to it with good intentions. I also enjoy keeping busy with arts and crafts because idle hands are the devil’s workshop. What am I looking for in a mate?  Just please don’t have a fiery temper like my last girlfriend – – Hell have no fury like a woman scorned.


After all of this, I thought we might be fairly compatible so I poked Godd and then gave him my phone number.  I even mentioned I was excited to meet him with a few exclamation points.   I got this text back from him:

No OMG’s pls.

That was followed by another message, which made me think he might be the jealous type.

i  m only 1 4 u. seriously! no 1 b4 me.

We set up a time/place to meet and I must say at first I was rather disappointed.   As is usual for these dating sites,  Godd did not resemble his image at all.  They must not have been recent pics.  And he had a little paunch.  I betcha he snored, too.

But then Godd confessed.   He was not  “Almighty.”  He was only just sorta, “Alrighty.”  It seems he wasn’t getting any responses to his ordinary profiles when he had put down his true description of, “Odd”  – –  so one day he added the “G” just for fun.   The results had been life-changing.   He immediately felt like God’s Gift to Women.

I was actually relieved.  The original way was just far too much pressure.  But now . . . well my being “Quirky” and him being “Odd” seemed like it could work.  I mean we could possibly be a match.  Just not a match made in heaven, of course.

If you want to send a message to G-d, you can do so by clicking  HERE

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/moon/

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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5 Reasons You Should Make a Dating Profile for Your Ex-Spouse (With an Example!)

This doesn't mean your ex is "mousy."

This doesn’t mean your ex is “mousy.”

Disclaimer:  I am in no way “pro-divorce.” But once it occurs, I think both parties should make the best of it.

 

  Creating a Dating Profile For Your Ex Is An Idea Whose Time Has Come and Here is Why!

1. You’re divorced and have moved on in a healthy manner, but your Ex hasn’t quite made the transition.  He or she is  “mopey” (in that same way that made you want to give them a haircut in their sleep when you were married to them because THEN they’d really have something to mope about!) or he/she simply hasn’t developed that “confident single attitude” yet. However, the two of you have stayed civil and you’d like to help this person (whom you supposedly cared enough about to take vows with)  get “out there” with a friendly little (okay, big) Shove.

2. It’s been quite some time now after your split and “somehow” you got signed up to pay spousal support for (a) the rest of the duration of your Ex’s natural life OR  (b) until he/she remarries. How to shorten this outcome?  (Hint: I’m talking about option (b) – – that’s the moral/ethical one!) Writing a dating profile on their behalf to get them married off will abbreviate this route significantly!

3. You’re doing a great service for society. Nobody knows your Ex like you do, right?  Therefore, writing a personal ad for them will actually lessen the future divorce rate in our country by helping his/her dates have reasonable expectations. Your personal ad will reflect accurate reality and allow the new potential Suitor (or Suitess in the case of your ex-husband) to do their due diligence completely online!  But you must be fair and honest in your description and respond to all follow-up questions courteously and without intent to sabotage.

4. You have kids and you would very much like to steer your Ex toward a quality individual so that you can sleep at night knowing your Ex won’t bring Charlie Manson or Kim Kardashian to your children’s Back to School Night.  In other words – – You are a Control Freak.

5. Your Ex is still very much obsessed with the past and drives you crazy trying to go back in time and rewrite history with statements that begin with, “If only we would have ____________, we would still be married today.”  They may fill in the blank with some of the following…

If only we would have . . .

  • Dated longer before tying the knot
    Had better communication
    Had More sex
    Had Less sex
    Put a lock on the refrigerator
    Had double sinks
    Had His and Her Bank Accounts
    Had a slight inkling that cheating would be destructive
    Gagged your mother
    Worn coordinating Halloween costumes like Romeo & Juliet
    or John & Lorena Bobbitt

You get the idea.  They dwell forever and have an unrealistic idea about reconciling. They need a real life distraction with a new relationship!  Yep, yep they surely do!

Here is the profile I wrote for my ex-husband and examples of follow-up correspondence.

Nice Enough Guy, Still Looks Pretty Good Thru Lots of Marital Stress!

Versatile Aged Man who could pass for 42 (if you don’t keep up with your optometrist appointments) or could also sneak by as 65 (and often will try this to get a Senior Discount at the movies) Seeks Loving Female who gets that “he works hard all day and when he comes home would just like a little peace and quiet, some good food and lots of sex.  Is that too much to ask for?” The preceding was a direct quote that I can replay for you on my cellphone (which I recorded without his knowledge) if you call me on my landline after 10 am.  I can’t stomach hearing it any earlier than that because the volume/tone of his voice is quite irritating when I first wake up. You’ll understand six months in.

He’ll be your biggest fan and best friend in every way you can think of….except will  NOT go shopping, compliment your appearance, help around the house, make you a surprise party, or hold your hair back during morning sickness, which everyone knows is really All Day sickness  – – but pleeease be beyond that stage of your life!  Makes a mean pot of chili for Super Bowl Sunday and bucks up when he gets a cold.  No acting like a big baby on the sofa with a  99.5 temperature for this dude.  Nuh uh.

Treats your family nice when they’re over, but afterwards might make a few off color jokes about the low-cut dress your sister wore.  But hey, at least he notices fashion!  Note:  He WILL always tell you your ass looks great in those jeans (regardless of how much of a bubble butt you have) because he’s learned this gets him a little somethin’/somethin’ later that night, so definitely do NOT go by him when you’re getting dressed for an evening out.

Great with cars, (driving, washing and repairing) and will even stop to ask directions (only after you’ve been cruising around, lost for at least 10 minutes) but overreacts terribly if you drive over a curb, back into a pole, or happen to smash into a parking attendant booth, causing your car to get banned from the movie theatre forever. Supportive of your career if it’s math or science related but if you’re a writer, have a ready-made list completely memorized so you can easily rattle of the answer to  “what exactly did you do all fucking day long?” (Again, phone me after 10 am for voice inflection example.)

TEN ADJECTIVES TO DESCRIBE WHAT HE’S LOOKING FOR IN THE NEW WOMAN:  Flexible, (physically and emotionally) Gullible, Sweet, Able to be Well-Kempt on a Budget,  Possess a Patient Sense of Humor (ability to laugh enthusiastically at the same joke over and over again as if you are a Virgin Audience) and must have a Positive Nature (the washing machine isn’t old and broken, it’s quaint and charming!)

HIS  IDEA OF A  REALLY  GOOD  FIRST  DATE:  Not to spoil any fun or surprises for you, but do dress in something you won’t care gets ruined. And eat lots of protein beforehand. (Oh, and bring a single sharp knitting needle, some super-glue, and some feathers)

More Questions?  Contact me at    EveryoneDeservesASecondChanceJustNotWithMe@gmail.com

Hi there – – Everything sounds pretty typical here with the no shopping and no compliments, but can you tell me if he would ever be open to  breakfast in bed ?

Signed,

Wondering Stella

Dear W.S.

Yes, he’ll be on the receiving end any weekend morning.  Oh, silly me.  Did you mean will he ever serve YOU  brunch in bed?  On Mother’s day and sometimes Valentine’s day, but you have to be okay with runny eggs because he once overcooked them and I made the mistake of complaining so now he overcompensates. (or else he’s just vindictive)

Little Miss Menopause

Hi and Thank you for telling it like it is.  What about talking? Will he just listen without always trying to solve or fix everything?

Signed,

Just Need A Sounding Board

Dear J.N.A.S.B.

Yes, he will stay very quiet and let you talk, but you should occasionally check to make sure he hasn’t completely tuned you out.  I sometimes interrupt my own monologue about going to the pediatrician’s office by seductively saying, “… and the next thing I knew, he pushed me back on his desk and he was an incredible lover — I climaxed over twenty times!” Then I strategically pause just to see if he jolts forward and says, “Huh??”

With regards to trying to solve your problems or fix everything.  Do not worry your pretty little head.  He’ll fix absolutely nothing.  Especially  if it’s in desperate need of repair.

Little Miss Menopause

To Whom it May Concern:  Good idea to write your Ex’s profile but you don’t mention money very much. Did you get jewelry?  Taken out for meals?  What about vacations, live-in maids and weekly massages?

Signed,

Just Appreciate Pleasure

Dear J.A.P.

This may NOT concern me anymore since I removed the cubic-zirconia from my left hand, but You REALLY need to move along to a different profile. You’ve got the wrong guy.

Little Miss Menopause

Hey! So what exactly does he look like?  On a scale of 1-10, what did your friends think about him?  I really can’t be with a guy who is losing his hair, or is shorter than I am, or has that little stomach paunch thing going on.

Signed,

Some Have A Little Less Of Worth

Dear  S.H.A.L.L.O.W.

You must be gorgeous.  Life must be Perfect. Your manicure never chipped.  And you’re still looking for your Significant Other because……???

Little Miss Menopause

Well there you have it!  A totally new concept in “Dating After Divorce!”  I will be starting my own website where you too, can make a profile exactly like the one above for your own Ex, so stay tuned for your chance to submit something at “MySpouseWasn’tACompleteLouse.Dot Com.” Please leave an indication in the comment section below whether I should hold space for a Text Profile  (with endless scrolling for your vivid descriptions) or a Visual Profile because you can get the job done with a single photo and a short video clip of your Ex in the shower.
Happy Life After Divorce!