When you’re a Ghost Writer, you often wish you hadn’t agreed to let someone else take credit for YOUR brilliant, original words. Nothing worse than a regretful phantom. But are people ever sorry they asked you to ghost write for them? I think my obnoxious divorcee neighbor wishes she could take back that fateful day when she asked me to compose her online dating profile. Listen:
Lydia: I just got my eyes and boobs done.
Me: Done? I didn’t realize you were born with incomplete sets?
Lydia: Very funny. And the Doctor took some extra fat off my butt and injected it into my lips, so they’re nice and full.
Me: Great! Now all those men can continue to kiss your ass and never even know it.
Lydia: Never mind that. How about using some of that clever humor of yours to help me find someone who will appreciate my anti-aging efforts?
She had a point. I have never seen anyone so well-preserved – – except maybe a jar of strawberry jam.
That’s why I simply have no idea why Lydia rejected the witty title I composed for her Personal Ad. . .
Will you be my Charmed Princester Before I Become an Old Spinster?
Some people can be so picky. But I changed it to something much better.
The adventure was on! Lydia enthusiastically gave me her password to Match.com and soon I was thrust into the Online Single Dating world. AS SOMEONE ELSE.
And lemme tell you – – with my very Dark Brunette style of writing, I was gonna make extra sure that Blondes do indeed, have more fun.
The intro line . . .
5ft 2″, Green-Eyed M
onsterBlonde Hears Voices, But Has Too Much SelF–ContRol to Act On Them!
And then because everyone knows that men need a good opening line to help them write interesting responses. . .
BE surE to ask me about the time I Stumbled and trippEd over my right breast.
Then the middle portion went like this . . .
EXcited to meet “The Man in the Mirror!” I’ll certainly be your “Thriller.” On our first date, we won’t “Stop Till You Get Enough.” I might be “Bad” in bed, but at least you won’t have to stay home alone and “Beat It.”
Yeah. She may not be such a huge Michael Jackson fan anymore after she reads that. Maybe she’ll stop blasting “Billy Jean” at 2 am.
I’m an expert stripper and very good with my hands. But my sanding and varnishing skills might need a little work.
Ho hum – – my own humor was boring even to me, and the money she was shelling out ($0) for me to write this junk wasn’t worth it, so when I got sick and tired of thinking up little gems, I decided to peruse the male online profiles. AS LYDIA.
And lo and behold, whom do I see but my ex-husband! At first I didn’t think it was really him, because the headline didn’t proclaim, “God’s Gift To Women.” But I’d know that stupid joke about the one-legged flamingo and roll of toilet paper anywhere. It was definitely him. Perfect. I quickly poked and prodded and pinched and winked until he finally sent me a real message. Aha! I gleefully watched his status change from “Guest” to “Paying member.” Good. Because I was worth it.
I took this as my big opportunity to find out what he really tells people about the reason why we got divorced.
Hi Handsome! Before we get in too Deep, I’m a Firm believer in finding out why a man’s marriage failed. Mind telling me your story? Flirtaciously Yours, Lydia.
I figured I had him with “Deep” and “Firm.” His response came instantaneously.
Forget it. You’re just as nosy as my Ex-Wife.
Hmmph – – How dare he respond so rudely to poor, innocent Lydia!
I turned my attentions back to her silly profile and decided what Lydia needed was some nice photos to attract just the right man for her. I went onto Google Maps, entered her Home address, and found a lovely picture taken in her backyard from a helicopter. Men just love candids. And another taken of her smoking, so all the guys could appreciate how much determination it took for her to quit.
Next I decided to scope out Lydia’s competition and began methodically scanning all the women until I ran straight into one I recognized. It was none other than my boyfriend’s sister-in-law. The only problem was she was happily married. To my boyfriend’s brother. What to do? What to do? There was only one thing to do. I called my boyfriend and broke the bad news to him.
Boyfriend: Forget my sister-in-law. You were roaming around on a dating website because . . . ??
Me: Oh. That’s easy. I was hired by my neighbor Lydia to write a profile for her. Just call her and verify everything, Honey.
It could have been that Lydia no longer thought my humor was very funny. Or it could have been the slightly unflattering photos of her that I put up. But I seriously doubt it was my clever new title for her profile . . .
I’m Chlamydia Lydia – – Looking For My Penicillin Pete!
I guess I’ll never know the exact reason because Lydia refused to say. But she vehemently denied ever asking me to write her dating profile, which left me in some awfully hot water with my boyfriend. That’s okay though, because Lydia now has a hot message of her own, running through her profile like a Secret Coded Anagram. Check out the Green Capital letters above.
And good luck, Lydia! I’m gonna make like a ghost and disappear now, but your online dating life might haunt you for some time to come.