You’ve Heard of Ghost Writing Before, But Ghost Dating??

A ghostwriter is hired to write literary works that are officially credited to another person as the author. There is normally an included clause for anonymity so the ghostwriter can never steal the person’s thunder, which doesn’t seem quite fair since he/she is the person doing all the hard work!

I’ve ghostwritten material before, in fact even other blogs. Consider this: You may have just come from reading another post on WordPress that I am secretly the author of? Hey, it could happen!

But in the online dating world? You betcha! I’ve created many profiles for people who pay me to compose a creative ad because they’re at a loss for words as to how to best describe themselves or what to say to captivate someone to be interested enough to respond.

I charge a fee for this, which gets rather tricky when my friends approach me and ask me to write one for them “as a favor.”

In instances like this, bartering seems to be the best approach. For instance, I recently did a complimentary profile for a local eligible bachelor acquaintance who just happened to be a renowned surgeon. In return, he took my daughter’s tonsils out for free. That’s a great deal, right? (Especially when you consider that my “chatty” teenager had to be quiet for days ….yay! — and his new cool profile might procure him a wife who births bunches of children with more unnecessary body organs he can operate on all he wants!) That’s a win/win if ever there was one.

By the way, I created his profile headline to go something like this:

I’m Good With My Hands, So Can I Grab Your Heart?

Nobody had to know it involves anesthesia, right?

The big game-changer in all of this was when my female best friend not only asked me to write her a stunning profile, but begged me to go one step further and also compose (on her behalf) any replies to interested respondents. In return she would trade a month’s worth of homemade meals since she was a professional chef. Yum! (Cyrano de Bergerac  without the big nose anyone??)  Game on!

In the beginning it was easy because my friend didn’t attract many intelligent potential suitors. These dullard men were impressed by anything I wrote that went above “Hey there, Handsome!” or “Wow, you have a nice smile!”

Soon she wanted me to modify her profile so she WOULD draw in a higher caliber of man. Yep, she wanted me to (gasp!) lie about her appearance, her profession, and her hobbies. Within minutes I took her from a mousy brown-haired receptionist in a law office who enjoyed scrapbooking — to an alluring raven-tressed attorney with a passion for naked chess.

(Hey if there can be strip-poker, why not a more intellectual game also played in the nude?)

And by the way, I crafted her profile headline to go something like this:

If You Can Sustain an Objection, Let’s Adjourn to the Bedroom Cuz I’ve Got a Great Rebuttal!

Soon the responses began to pour in like crazy and I was very busy fielding them back with clever, smart retorts. The first week I got paid in lasagna, chicken cacciatore, beef stroganoff, and cobb salad!

I met with my girlfriend to show her all the people I was corresponding with “as her.” She was quite impressed with the lively conversations I was able to develop. But one online dialogue stood out the most for her. It was with someone in the medical field and our messages were full of volleying sexual quips back and forth and our tremendous internet chemistry literally leapt off the screen. Here’s an example of one of our initial communications:

Me: Hi! I’m sure you’re a doctor with a lot of patience. Maybe you’d like to give me a shot?

Him: That depends. Would it all be in vein?

Me: Oh you’re so funny. I can’t wait to hear what you’ll prescribe for my relief from this excruciatingly painful experience of online dating.

Him: Well I’m actually a surgeon, so I hope I make the final cut. You might say I’m The Wizard of Gauze.

Me: Haha. You have me in stitches, Dr!

“Ohhhhh! That’s the guy I want to be with,” my friend announced matter-of-factly after reading page after page of our witty rapport.

“Are you sure he’s the one?” I asked. “Maybe one of the other men would be a better match?”

“Nope, I’ve made up my mind. Can you set up the initial meeting date?”

“Okaaaaay. I’ll write to him tonight,” I hesitatingly confirmed. “Should it be in the day or evening?”

“When are you available?” she inquired.

I stood there incredulous. “Wait! You want ME to go and meet him for you?  Am I supposed to sleep with him too??”

She deliberated a moment, then told me that wouldn’t be necessary because she’d take it from there. I looked at her skeptically, but she threw in a fettuccine alfredo PLUS key-lime pie, so at that point I had no choice but to proceed.

The night of the big meeting approached and I was nervous at how to explain this entire complicated predicament. The doctor and I got along famously, just as well in fact as we did when he first hired me to write his dating profile and then again in the recovery room after he’d taken out my daughter’s tonsils.

Handsome, smart, funny. I almost wished I was available to date him. But then I remembered what was happening.

Him: So thank you again Stephanie for handling all these many email responses for me. Boy these women sure like to type, huh? It’s been a really busy week in the hospital and you’ve responded to these even better than I could.

Me: Yes well, I guess that’s what happens when you have a son who breaks his leg in football and needs a cast. Thank you for your medical barter —  Can you give me a quick eye-lift next week too?

Him:  You’ve earned it, Sugar. And I love how you had me say, “All in vein.” Ha ha. I wouldn’t have thought being so punny could turn a woman on so much. And look at her response about being in stitches after finding out that I’m a surgeon…boy she can certainly hold her own, eh? She must kill the jury in the courtroom.  Please write to her immediately and tell her I want to set up a meeting with the woman who entertained me so much!

I wanted to tell him, “Uh, You’re actually having it right this very moment.”

Instead I went home, quickly gathered up my recovering son and daughter, (plus all my deliciously pre-made meals!) and absconded to a deserted mountain cabin.

Whether the both of them finally figured out they were simultaneously paying me to write their emails and that all along, I was actually just talking to ….. myself, I’ll never know. But that will be the last time I dabble in ghost-writing!

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Have You Heard About “1st Date Dilemma Dissection” Sessions?

 

Everyone knows when spouses get into trouble, it’s wise to go and see a specialist to help sort out communication and major issues before a divorce ensues. Next came Pre-Marital therapy which started with a member of the clergy (but eventually any psychology specialist went into the business) meeting with the engaged couple to talk about commitment and honoring their vows and getting the soon to be newlyweds off to a healthy start emotionally. After that there was the Invention of Couple’s Counseling which sounds like what it is — a couple has been dating exclusively but maybe there are some problems they’d like to nip in the bud before they become more destructive.

But why stop there? I think I’m on to something by introducing 1st Date Dilemma Dissection.  In fact, I will volunteer to try it below with a reputable trained therapist….listen in!

Therapist:  Okay, so you met on Match dot com and you both felt you had something in common worth pursuing after the initial coffee meeting.

Him: Well weirdly she doesn’t like coffee, but I love it.

Me: He didn’t say “weirdly” back then. He said he found me an original.

Him: An original with freakishly white teeth.

Therapist: Be that as it may — after your first meet-up, the two of you agreed to go to dinner and a movie.

Him: Even though you can’t really talk in a movie. But if that’s what the lady wanted….

Me: The Oscars are coming and I’ve only seen 8 out of the 10 contenders.

Therapist: Seems pretty OCD. So at the restaurant, Stephanie turned to you and said? Stephanie?

Me: I’ll have the cobb salad, without bacon, substitute feta for the crumbled bleu cheese, and dressing on the side.

Therapist: And how did that make you feel, Him?

Him: Kinda like a waiter.

Me: That’s simply not true. I never ….

Therapist: (raises a finger) Bup, bup, bup….his perception is his reality, dear.

Him: To be fair, I had asked her what she felt like eating.

Therapist: Be that as it may, you were starting to sense perhaps a power struggle or control issues.

Me: Well I had given him a head’s up that I am kind of a picky eater so it didn’t come as a surprise.

Him: No biggie. And after we ordered I noticed she was shivering so I put my jacket over her shoulders.

Therapist: And how did that make you feel? Like she was needy? Codependent?

Him: I hadn’t thought of that.

Therapist: And how did that jacket make you feel, Stephanie? Like he was a rescuer?

Me: Well honestly, he misconstrued my body language. I wasn’t cold. I was trembling because someone walked by the window with a python and I have a snake phobia. And also his jacket smelled of cigars which I find disgusting.

Him: Uh, I didn’t know that. I raise snakes. But I’m trying to quit cigars.

Therapist: Cold turkey?

Me: Yes his turkey arrived cold and I encouraged him to speak up to our server and send it back and …

Therapist: Bup, bup, bup. We’re getting ahead of ourselves here. It’s not time to discuss assertiveness. I’d like to focus on his lack of disclosure about his smoking habit.

Him: I give you my word, Stephanie. I’ve just had my last cigar. You’re worth it.

Me: Awww, I totally trust you.

Therapist: Snakes AND Cigars?? You do know what those things symbolize in Freudian psychology, right?

Him: Done! Why don’t we plan a second date and go to Disneyland and I’ll pack us a pic…

Therapist: Bup, bup, bup. Be that as it may, I’d like you to turn to Stephanie and look her in the eyes and tell her what bothers you right now.

Him: (looks deeply into my pupils) I can’t stand this shrink saying “bup bup bup” every two seconds.

Me: Right? And what’s up with “Be that as it may??”

Him: What are the odds we’d both feel the same way at the exact same moment? That’s some hot chemistry we have going on.

Me: Smoking hot!

Him: Please don’t mention smoking.

Me: Sorry. But seriously, who talks like that?

Therapist: Well I do. I do? I do! Oh, that’s right. We should discuss both of your feelings about marriage.

Him: Wanna lose this chick and grab a drink and then go dancing?

Me: Oh what do you drink? And what’s your last name again so I can put you in my contacts?

Therapist: That’s all the time we have this week. We’ll have to discuss his last name and his drinking problem when we reconvene.

Tada!  That’s how you get a first date off on the right foot….pick a really crummy therapist to dislike equally and bond over.

Object of Affection Vs. Object of Obsession?

Have you seen the new Netflix television series called “YOU?” It’s based on the novel of the same name and it’s unsettling, to say the least. But the concept can also be confusing because . . .

Falling in REAL love can make you act irrationally and exhibit emotional and physiological instability. Don’t believe me? Click HERE for scientific research. That’s right! You become focused solely on the person you’re head over heels with, and think of nothing else for weeks on end. It closely mimics obsession.

How then can you tell the difference between someone exhibiting the above symptoms (especially with love at first sight, or the beginning stages of becoming smitten) and an imbalanced type of personality who may even have stalker potential?

Obviously certain cases of the latter are extremely easy to identify. Having lots of experience in the single, online dating world has earned me more than my fair share of horror stories.  One man I messaged with (a mere two times!) is an example of someone who needs to wear one of those tee-shirts that proclaim, “I am the guy your mother warned you about!”

 

Long story short, my dating profile made the mistake of mentioning I was published on The Huffington Post. Somehow he ascertained my real last name and found my articles there. From that point he was able to find my cellphone number and then (utilizing a kind of “reverse caller ID location app”) obtain my home address and show up that night ringing my doorbell. You can imagine my shock. Especially because he wasn’t holding a large cheese pizza since that was what I’d just ordered.

But let’s not write-off these Creeper types as ignorant or unintelligent. They read! They google!  All they need is one article like this “17 Signs of Falling in Love that Make it Real and they can adopt every single one of these traits and voilá … you’re likely to be fooled!

That’s why you have my blog to demonstrate sure-fire ways to discern the difference (using examples from a wide variety of categories and behaviors below) just by examining subtle nuances. Stuff you’d never even think about if it weren’t for me. You’re welcome!

Level of Observance

With Love — They’ll watch you doze

With Stalker — They’ll watch you decompose

Favorite Veggie

With Love — Heart-shaped red radishes

With Stalker — Celery Stalks

Social Media

With Love — Finds you on Facebook

With Stalker — You find yourself on How to Use “MaceBook.”

Telephone Etiquette

With Love — “You hang up first. No YOU hang up first. Okay, let’s both hang up together. 1, 2, 3 Go!”

With Stalker — They hang up on your voicemail message. 123 times a day.

Thoughts

With Love — You’re always on my mind.

With Stalker — You’re out of your mind.

Favorite Dessert

With Love — Raspberry crêpe with whipped cream

With Stalker — HarrassBerry Creep with unzipped scheme

Gifts

With Love — Flowers, mementos, cards, candy, concert tickets

Stalker — All the above, but given as Stalking Stuffers — even though it’s not Xmas!

Favorite Scent

With Love — Calvin Klein “Obsession”

With Stalker — Victoria’s Secret “Love”

 

I know that seems reversed just to throw you off track — but never fear, “The Nose Knows!”

Favorite Song

With Love — “All You Need is Love” by the Beatles

With Stalker — “Jeepers, Creepers, Where’d Ya Get Those Peepers?” 2nd Fave – “Every Breath You Take” by the Police

Favorite Quote

With Love — “Love means never having to say you’re sorry!”

With Stalker — “Love means never having to say calamari.”

This means when you’re in a seafood restaurant with a Creeper type, you won’t be forced to order the squid. And that’s a pretty redeeming trait!

Readers: I’ve made light of this topic in this post, but stalking is a serious crime. If you or someone you know is a victim, there are resources for help HERE.

What He REALLY Thinks About You in Bed and What You Think About What He Really Thinks About You…

 

And if you got lost in that title, perhaps this is not the blog for you to read today!

Everyone knows that what we say and what we are thinking can be (and often are in the case of conversations with the opposite sex!) two ENTIRELY different things. The first time a new couple spends an overnight together can be super awkward, but you’d never know it if you were a fly on the wall because they’ll never speak the truth aloud.

But now thanks to my modern technology, you’ll get to find out what’s really going through their heads just as if you WERE that proverbial fly on the wall – only with mind-reading superpowers! Let’s listen:

(For our purposes, what’s actually being spoken is NOT transcribed below, only their inner thoughts. Please use your imagination for what was really being said!)

Narrator: Our couple slowly enters the arena of her bedroom for the very first time together, to try their hand at the Intimacy Game.

HER: Oh my god, it’s so hot in here and I hate perspiring! But if I open the windows my neighbors will hear everything. Yet I know he expects me to make noise. What to do? What to do?

HIM: Let’s get sweaty and loud, baby!

HER: Am I supposed to stand here while he passionately rips my clothes off? Or take the initiative and do some sort of maddeningly slow striptease? Taking care to leave on the heels? Men like that, right? Whoops….I forgot I’m wearing boots. Boots are the exception to that rule.

HIM: What is taking so long to get naked?

HER: Do I keep the overhead light on or turn it off so it’s darker in here? Or maybe turn the ceiling light off so it’s not like a spotlight, but casually flick on the lamp atop the nightstand. Should I do that with both or just the one nightstand? OMG, I hope this isn’t a “one night stand!” Maybe I should just turn the bathroom light on and leave the door slightly ajar so it illuminates the room enough for him to get turned on when I do a striptease? So I guess it’s settled and I’m doing the striptease then. Hmmm, when doing my striptease, am I supposed to turn on the clock radio or just hum? Or maybe it should be a silent striptease like in the olden days before film had any …

HIM: What the hell is taking so long to get naked?

HER: Was that a ripping sound! Ugh. Impatient men like him don’t deserve women who seductively strip for them! And that was a really expensive designer blouse he just tore. I thought he’d never get the right angle to slide my boots off. And now the leg of my skinny jeans won’t slip over my calf. Great, I’ll be known as the lover with the “cankles” from here on in. What idiot invented the word cankle anyway? Was it him??

HIM: Damn cankles. How do men undress women with just their teeth? I’m tugging with all my might and can’t get these jeans off.  She should have independently undressed herself in a more sexy way for me and then we wouldn’t be in this position. And her socks stink. “Sex with boots” = my new kinky motto.

HER: His feet smell awful — I’m opening the windows now for certain. But my neighbor needs sleep so it’s just tough luck if he thinks loud moaning and naughty talking is a huge turn on? And who says “naughty?” Somehow I don’t think a girl who IS actually naughty would say “naughty.”

HIM: So far not a peep out of her. Our phone sex was way more exciting than this. Is she a mime?

HER: Ow. Seriously ow ow ow, you jerk! What dumb Youtube video did you watch to get the idea to do THAT? Please hurry that weird maneuver up because I can’t take even another thirty seconds.

HIM: Wow. She’s totally loving this. She wants more time spent here.

HER: Seriously??

HIM: Seriously!!!

HER: What does my body look like when viewed from on top?

HIM:  She seems bored. Change positions!

HER: What does my body look like when viewed from below?

HIM: She still doesn’t seem satisfied. New position!

HER: What does my body look like when viewed from behind?

HIM: Next!

HER: What does my body look like when viewed from the bathroom?

HIM: She’s just sooooo bad.

HER: Does he think I’m “bad” naughty? Or “bad” awful?

HIM: Why didn’t we have a first time already, so this could be our second time?

HER:  MUST relax! Just stop all my thinking. Make my mind a complete blank. I’ll never get there if I have this ongoing monologue running in my head. Wait! He never sent me his STD test results. Can I somehow work that topic into my naughty girl talk?? Must relax!

HIM: Do NOT relax! Keep thinking about holding back. Concentrate. Ladies first. Focus! And how come I had to get tested, but she didn’t? Keep thinking about that. That’s a real climax killer.

HER: Obviously it’s not happening. How many couple’s have it happen for the woman on their first time anyhow? I’m so Googling that. Okay, high school theater acting lessons, Take 1. Sorry in advance, neighbors!

HIM: I’m an awesome stud!

HER: Meg Ryan, you’ve got some fierce competition.

HIM: I’m exhausted. Please no talking.

HER: I’m exhausted. Please no snoring.

HIM: I’m used to sleeping on the other side of the bed. How do I tell her to move? I wish I could just go home.

HER: How do you say “I have to be up early….please just go home,” nicely?

NARRATOR: Well all things considered, overall this couple did very well in their first intimacy arena.  For not having much training time together, their presentation was adequate, their form was actually quite precise. But their timing was a little off, and their positioning could use some work, so perhaps in the next event they’ll enter as singles instead of doubles. No word yet on whether both of them will advance to the next round. But one thing is certain, I’m out of a job. They’ve both got this Narration thing down pat!

 

 

 

 

Do You Care What Others Think About Your Partner? (And What Does That Have To Do With Moths?)

“Seriously? She got back with him after I told her what a jerk he is. Doesn’t my opinion count for anything?”

You’re holding a dress in your hand at a department store when another customer (you haven’t met before) says, “Oh. My. God. I’ve never seen an uglier frock than that!” How likely are you to buy it now? How about if it’s your best friend whose fashion sense you trust implicitly?

Now substitute the dress for your recent boyfriend. (Male readers, just use a new car and your current chick!)

This is the psychology of a relationship that gets rather tricky, doncha think? Perhaps you insist it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks about the person you’re with because your opinion is the only one that matters. But if you suddenly become informed (or you inadvertently overhear, in the case of eavesdropping —  we don’t know ANYONE who does that, do we??) of negative feedback about your perspective mate, wouldn’t it subconsciously modify the way you feel, even if only slightly?

Disclaimer: So if you popped in for my typical lighthearted humor, you may be disappointed in today’s blog. If you decide to stay and read anyhow — let’s dig right in! Ready?

Once upon a time, I broke up with a certain ex. Many people (whose opinions I highly respected) couldn’t wait to tell me afterward that they experienced this particular ex as being totally arrogant, judgmental, and controlling. They ended by saying, “Congratulations, your split is for the best!” Now mind you, I hadn’t really noticed those traits in him, and our relationship ended for an entirely different set of reasons. Nevertheless, when a chance for reconciliation occurred (the other issues resolved) I found myself highly influenced, knowing so many friends and family found him to be such a revolting personality type — and I opted not to get back together.

Now….which is true? x) These family and friends were just attempting to make me feel better about the death of our coupleship by exaggerating their sentiments about him being so awful, so I wouldn’t mourn the loss so much?  y) That really WAS their accurate opinion of him and all those times they’d socialized with us, they were squelching it, figuring they’d spare my feelings for the sake of harmony?

The correct answer? z) I dunno. But these are the kinds of quandaries that contribute to my insomnia!

Here’s another example. Once upon a time, I was involved with a man that none of my six children cared for, and that’s putting it mildly. Was this simply because no child wants to see their mother with anyone but their father? Or should their strong reactions be taken into consideration and thought of as a red flag? For instance, it definitely crossed my mind that, “Gosh! Not just one, not just two, not just three . . .  but ALL six kids feel the exact same way about this guy! Gee, what are the odds??” (Okay some mathematician out there, please tell me!)

Then there was another (OUAT) “Once Upon a Time” tale. OUAT, I grew up in a Jewish household with a holocaust survivor father who made very clear to me from the time I was a young girl just how crucial it was I marry someone in our same faith. (Fiddler on the Roof musical, anyone?) I actually broke up with an individual of another religion (whom I was very attached to) to marry someone Jewish, solely to comply with their strong convictions. I can hear you saying . . . “And how’d that work out for ya?”

So those are some different (and true) scenarios that range in variation of intensity for how other people’s viewpoints of my relationships have impacted me. And if you think my tales are outlandish and I’m a minority in this dilemma, check out this study demonstrating that both men and women very much care about what others think of their choices right  HERE

I know what you’re thinking right about now, so don’t even bother to leave a comment. Here it is in a nutshell, right? “You’re an adult of sound mind. (Even though you call yourself “Little Miss Menopause.”) You should be living your life for you. And if you’re letting love be dictated by others, you’re sacrificing your own happiness for no reason whatsoever.” Close enough?  Or maybe you’re thinking this — “Someone who truly has your best interests at heart will love your partner, too. Why? Because you love him and because he makes you happy. Anyone who can’t fall in line to support your choice in mates is putting their own needs/desires/prejudices before what’s really important: Your Happiness.”  That sounds really astute — I’m definitely not deleting it in my final draft!

And now some subtler points to this whole mess, (after all, it’s only in a perfect world that people keep their big mouths shut!) because when someone close to you confides (for your own good, of course) what is objectionable about your potential partner (even if you decide to ignore it because it absolutely carries no weight) ——- You . . .

  • Can never unhear what you’ve already heard.
  • Will question your judgment. Can love really make you blind?
  • Are suddenly included in far less social engagements because people really don’t want to be around your partner.
  • Have to choose your words carefully when you vent or ask this friend for relationship advice because “they already tried to warn you . . . in vain.”
  • Will always remain hyper-vigilant looking for the flaws they originally pointed out to you, to see if they are somehow insidiously manifesting.
  • Will eventually wish your partner was an ugly frock (who even uses that term any more??) that you can just hang back on the rack in the department store, then casually back away.

I’ll leave you with one last OUAT situation.  OUAT, I had a roller-coaster, turbulent relationship where we literally broke up and got back together five different times. (Makeup sex aside, this was exhausting!) But each time we separated, my “well-meaning” friends came forward to list every miserable character defect they couldn’t stand about him. Each time he and I flew back into each other’s arms, they would sheepishly backpedal and withdraw their harsh judgements. Suddenly he was Mr. Wonderful again. My takeaway from this: He was flying back into my arms simply to restore his sterling reputation in our community.

And speaking of flying, if you liked the cockeyed “reasoning” I demonstrated with that previous conclusion, you’ll love my moth logic which goes a little something like this: I pick up a moth and command it to fly. Of course it flies. I pull off one wing and tell it to fly once more. It flies. I do this two more times. The moth continues to fly. I pull the last wing off and tell the moth to fly. Alas, the moth can no longer fly. Why not???  Because when I pull off all the wings, the moth became deaf!

And now the answer to the question posed in my title. Why does a moth have anything to do with other people’s opinions of your new partner? Because if they’re not attracted to your new flame (like a moth!) — they should just keep their big moth shut!

Dear Readers: Alright so I’m not a logician, a mathematician, (or even a mothematician!) but have you ever ended (or not started?) a relationship because of what close friends and family thought? Did you regret it?

Are You a HSP? (Hint: If You Think That Means Hardware Software Programmer, You’re NOT!)

As mentioned in a previous post, I’ve recently navigated the world of online dating — but before I did, I studied up on all the acronyms and now know that LTR means Long Term Relationship, BDSM means Bondage Discipline Sadism Masochism (I think it should just be abbreviated with “OW!”) and FWB means Friends With Benefits. (I was hoping the latter offered medical and dental coverage, but alas it does not!)

So after describing myself in my profile as an “Intense writer who feels things very deeply!” — many men wrote asking, “Why don’t you just say you’re an HSP?”

Uh, because I never knew that was an actual thing!

A Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) is apparently found in 15 to 20% of the population–too many to be a disorder, but too few to be well understood. I’m not going to help you understand it right now either, but go HERE if you’d like to.  And go HERE if you enjoy taking tests to see if you fit the label. (But come back here! Because I’m a HSP and your leaving will surely hurt my feelings.)

Instead of educating you about these types of individuals, I’m just going to poke fun of myself for kinda being one. Oh and also this other anonymous random guy who had the misfortune of messaging me while he was apparently going through a bout of it himself — so now he’s being featured in my blog. Sorry Random Anonymous guy! Nothing personal.

All you really need to know to keep reading is that Highly Sensitive People (HSP) have above average manners!

MATCH.COM INBOX WITH 2 HSPs

HSP GUY: Good evening. I’m sorry for bothering you! Maybe you can respond when you get a moment, but if not, I totally understand and hope you have a nice life.

HSP ME: When you say, “but if not, I totally understand,” does that mean you don’t really like me that much, so it’s no big loss? Sorry if I’m bothering you when I ask for clarification on that.

HSP GUY: It just meant that I didn’t want to intrude. Sorry because it seems I already have!

HSP ME: I have a profile up here for the express purpose of meeting someone, so how could you intrude? Am I now intruding ON YOU by responding when you said you’d understand if I didn’t — which to me really means you could care less?

HSP GUY: Shouldn’t that be couldn’t care less? Sorry, I don’t mean to criticize, but I’m sensitive to getting phrases like that correct.

HSP ME: That’s quite alright — I’m as much of a grammar nazi as the next person, but perhaps a phone call would be less confusing. Here’s my number: ***-****.  Sorry if this text came too late at night, but I’m an insomniac.

HSP GUY: So sorry you can’t sleep. Anything I can do to help? Where are my manners? Here’s my number: ***-****

A week goes by.

MATCH.COM INBOX WITH 2 HSPs

HSP GUY: I guess you lost interest. You didn’t call me.

HSP ME: Sorry, I didn’t want to disturb you in case that was your work number and I thought you were calling me.

HSP GUY: May I call you now?

HSP ME: Please.

HSP GUY: Thank you.

HSP ME: You’re welcome.

HSP GUY: Do you mean I’m welcome to call you now? Or you’re just being polite and saying “You’re welcome” because I said, “Thank you?”

PHONE CALL WITH 2 HSPs

HSP ME: Hi! I figured I’d may as well reach out first, since we keep getting caught in a giant web of considerateness.

HSP GUY: Yes, sorry. I’ve been told that I read a little too much into things. Thank you for reaching out.

HSP ME: That always makes me think of that song,  “Hands….touching hands….reaching out…..”

HSP GUY: “Sweet Caroline!” Wow. We both know Neil Diamond. I think that’s a sign we should meet. Unless of course you hate Neil Diamond, and then maybe that’s a sign we shouldn’t?

HSP ME: Neil Diamond was recently diagnosed with Parkinson’s. I’m sorry. I hope that didn’t just depress you.

HSP GUY: I’m sorry, but you do seem like kind of a Debbie Downer.

HSP ME: I’m sorry. Well, nice talking with you. I’m gonna let you hang up first since I called you first.

HSP GUY: No, you hang up first.  I wouldn’t want the noise to hurt your ears.

HSP ME: No you hang up first. Okay thank you for offering to let me hang up first — my ears are highly sensitive.

HSP GUY: Please don’t hang up. I’m sorry. I was only joking about the Debbie Downer stuff.

HSP ME: I’m sorry, but I believe that in every joke there’s a grain of truth.

HSP GUY: Sorry, but aren’t you over-reacting just a tad? Or sorry — maybe I’m overreacting myself to your grain of truth statement? At any rate, I am deeply sorry.

HSP ME: I’m sorry to have to say this — but it’s not going to work out with two people who are always apologizing and being so polite and sensitive and just constantly too … ugh . . .  too NICE!

HSP GUY: I’m sorry, but too nice? I knew it, I just knew it. I’m a Highly Perceptive Person (HPP) and could totally sense from your photo (and that hair!) …  that you’re into BDSM and are only looking for FWB and not a LTR.

HSP ME: Wait! So now there’s an HPP also? Is that a thing too?

HSP GUY: Sorry, but it most definitely is. (LOUD CLICK!)

HSP ME: Hello? Hello? OW! That really hurt my highly sensitive ears.

READERS: DO YOU KNOW A HSP? WOULD YOU ADMIT TO BEING ONE? IS IT TERRIBLE OR WONDERFUL? DON’T WE MAKE EXCELLENT WRITERS???

If People Behaved In Real Life Like They Do On Dating Websites . . .

“I just found the Skipper’s profile online at “Plenty of Fish!” I don’t think it’s a little pond anymore — it’s a big swamp.”

 

PART ONE

“I love online dating,” said no one ever. My recent foray into internet matchmaking was shocking in many ways, but mainly because I couldn’t believe how much the virtual anonymity afforded people permission to do and say things they could not normally do (or never would normally do!) if they’d met someone “live” out in the actual world.

Let’s start with the actual profile. The very first impression you’ll give, and also an “advertisement” that’s supposed to not only entice someone to “pick you” but should illuminate your potential compatibility.

Let’s examine how an online dating presentation might translate in real life, shall we?

YOUR NAME

Online — This is a screen-name representing how you wish to be publicly known when you come up in search engines — most people don’t use their given birth name. Instead they get uh, rather original. Or just the opposite — they could care less about this aspect and let the website generate any old number for them. In my case I got creative and put down, “MissWriteRight4U.”

Real Life — “Hi, I’m EatPrayLoveSex — so nice to meet you.” OR  “Allow me to introduce myself, my first name is Size Truly Does.  And my last name is Matter. But you can just shorten my first name to STD.”   OR in the case of a random number, “Hello! I’m #24601. Seems like we’ve met before . . .  like in the musical Les Miserables, perhaps?”  OR in my particular case, they’re in for a  2-for-1 — “Hey there! MissWriteRight4U at your service. Wanna hire me to write an article for your website, or get married on your wedsite?  It’s all good!”

TAGLINE

Online — This is a phrase following your name that’s sorta like a pick-up line. Currently (for reasons totally unknown and extremely baffling to me, except they think they’re being cute n’ clever) everybody seems to use this one, “Seeking a Partner-in-Crime!” (My female friends tell me they all just swoon for that one??)

Real Life — “Hey baby, wanna knock off a bank on our first date? You be Bonnie and I’ll be Clyde, and we be digging our own private crime scene. Then later on in the jail cell, you can drop the soap in the shower. Heh heh heh.” (Where’s your fainting face now, ladies?)

PHOTOGRAPH

Online — Photoshopped, bedroom eyes, shirtless, muscles flexed, not from this decade.

Real Life — “So I know we’ve just met here in this grocery store and I’m pretty disheveled, but imagine this 5 o’clock shadow gone, my hair combed back, I won’t look so hungover, zero holes in my shirt, and I’ll smell like I own a bottle of cologne. Whadya say?” OR “Come over my place right now and I’ll take a bathroom Selfie in my mirror with a strategic bulge. I’ll even break out the Windex for a spotless shine.”

STATISTICS

Online — With a few quick keystrokes, it’s easy to falsify your age to become younger, your height to become taller, your religion, location, education, career, smoking, drinking, all modified in print.

Real Life — “Alright, so here’s my passport and driver’s license. (From 1988) And a Harvard diploma. (My father’s) Will you be needing any more documentation as proof that I’m a very thorough liar?” OR “This cigarette? Haha, someone asked me to hold it while they went to the bathroom. Personally, I NEVER touch a cancer-on-a-stick.” OR (Standing on tippy toes) “You betcha I’m 6 ft tall, sweetheart.” (Google for stores selling elevator shoe lifts.)

INITIAL MESSAGES FROM MEN

Online — Hey Gorgeous! OR Hey Sexy! OR Hey Beautiful! OR Hey Adorable! OR Hey Pretty Lady! OR Hey Hotness! OR Hey Lil’ Darlin’! OR Hey Cutie Pie! OR Hey Good-Looking! OR Hey Glam Girl! OR Hey Stunning! OR Hey Wonderful Woman! OR Hey Delicious Dame! OR Hey Ravishing Raven-Haired Rebel! (last one should only be sent to a brunette like me)

Real Life — “Hey uh . . . Striking, Savory, Sweet, Special, Scrumptious, Stylish, Savvy, Satisfying, Splendid, Spectacular, Sassy, Scintillating, Sophisticated, Seductive, Sanctimonious Starlet!” (Quickly hides book titled, “Thesaurus For Bedding Women Who’ve Heard it All Before Online — Alliteration  Addition  Edition”)

SECOND INTERACTIONS FROM MEN

Online — “Everyone else is a Suspect. But I’m a Prospect. Thought you’d appreciate the wit!” OR  “If you were a chicken, you’d be impeccable! Get it?” OR “Hey Baby. To B or Not to B? That is the Question. And please let your answer be Double D!”

Real Life — (Gosh so she’s a real author. She likes wordplay. I like foreplay. There’s gotta be some common ground to be found there.) “So can you guess what’s on tonight’s menu?   ME  N’  U!”  OR  “If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put ‘I’ and ‘U’ together.”  OR  “Honey, if you were words on a page, you’d be fine print!”

Okay, okay . . . so there is absolutely ZERO difference between online and real life second interactions once they find out you’re a writer. Both are cheesy to the max!

Stay Tuned for Part TWO  “Taking Online Dating Offline! (The First Meeting)”

Readers: Can you think of any other ways that online dating behavior would be preposterous in real life? Please comment!

A cute profile pic that also screens out allergic guys!

What’s DRIVING Your Relationship? (Odd Advice For Couples, Thinly Disguised as Car Talk!)

 

Gentlemen (and Ladies!) . . . Start your engines!

SHOULD YOU CARPOOL DOWN LOVER’S LANE?

  1. BE VERY SELECTIVE: If you’re letting someone inside your car, it’s like being with every single person they’ve ever driven with before you! Which often leads to becoming . . .
  2. A NON-DRIVER: There are other perfectly good modes of transportation like the subway, biking, or walking. Even rollerblading can be fun solo.
  3. DRIVER’S TRAINING: You’ve had your license for years now and this isn’t your first time circling around the block, but the rules of the road may have changed and who knows, it could be a rebuilt motor this time with extremely rare, hard-to-find parts! Take courses, read books, and google, “Better communication skills.” This will go a long way to preventing totaling your vehicle in a serious crash.
  4. TRUNK: This can be the most dangerous part of a car and if you’re embarking on a trip (thru life!) with a new carpool partner, I see nothing wrong with requesting them to remove their baggage from the trunk before you start the ignition. Just politely ask to open up their luggage for inspection. I’m not saying to screen like TSA security does at the airport, but if there are some major causes for flat-tires zipped up tightly in a side compartment of one of their suitcases, it’s best to find out early on. (Always carry a jack and a lug wrench just in case.) Better yet, offer to unpack your baggage first. There! Isn’t that freeing?
  5. STEERING WHEEL: Pay attention to who’s taking the wheel during your joint cross-country road-trip. Control “freaks” come in many different forms. Some (like me!) just feel better when they have some power and control over themselves — preferring to fuel up their own gas tank and choosing when/where/how and why to have a tune-up or fix needed repairs. However beware that other overly-controlling individuals will extend the life of the warranty to cover all of YOU….bumper to bumper! Be careful because their motto usually is, “It’s MY way or the Highway!”
  6. GEARS: Don’t shift too soon or too fast because you might pop the clutch, throttle the relationship, or permanently stall out. Seriously, where’s the race? If the spark-plugs are in good working order, and the entire electrical system is obviously functioning well, I’d suggest coasting in neutral until you make sure passenger and driver are making a smooth automatic transmission together. If I were a BMW (Beware Men/Women!) dealer, I’d recommend for optimum performance, waiting 3-4 months before implementing the pistons and cylinders. The internal combustion you’ll experience if you delay using these parts will be a power-boosting propulsion system like no other! If you MUST shift into overdrive early on, at least use a seatbelt for protection.
  7. HITCHHIKERS: This is simple. Just don’t ever pick ANYONE up on the side of the road. The last thing you need is either of your mothers or “well-meaning” friends, siblings, or children along for THIS ride!
  8. HEATING OR AIR-CONDITIONING?: Okay, this is where all the car metaphors come to a screeching halt! Real life advice here, because this topic will make or break your relationship faster than you can google, “What’s Considered Normal Room Temperature?” And if it’s not settled before you climb between the sheets, those sheets will be flying on and off the bed all night long. So decide now…..does your engine tend to run better warm or cold?
  9. STEREO:  Keep an open mind and don’t have too many preset radio stations. And for goodness sake, don’t keep pushing all your driver’s buttons. And don’t immediately reject an 8-track or cassette player because you may be dealing with a classic chassis, the value of which is not immediately apparent.
  10. HAZARDS: Don’t put yours on. Nobody else on the street needs to be alerted with flashing lights if you’re experiencing driving difficulties. Go down a private road!
  11. REAR VIEW MIRROR: She’s not gonna be real happy if this is the angle you’re constantly focused on.
  12. HORN: I wouldn’t be constantly tooting your own if I were you.
  13. GPS: The end destination is not the point, it’s how well you follow directions! Signal well in advance if you change lanes so you don’t cut anyone off. And no sudden U-Turns if you change your mind. Just tell your driver you’re carsick and ask to be let off in a well-lit safe area on the side of the road, and thank them for the lift thus far.
  14. YOUR MILEAGE MAY VARY: But if you keep passing by all the exits (even though your low fuel indicator icon has ominously lit up!) that’s probably a good sign you want to run out of gas with this person forever — and your relationship gets the green light to accelerate. Now you should Merge carefully together out of oncoming traffic and avoid going near your local DMV(Divorce/Mediation/Victim).

Good luck and Drive safely!

 

Women Who Wear Wedding Rings So They Won’t Get Hit On (And the men who take theirs off to hit on them!)

art.cheatingMe: Oh my goodness, congratulations! When did you get married?

Friend: I didn’t. I just finally had to start wearing this diamond so guys wouldn’t disturb me in the supermarket.

Me: (Blank Stare)

Friend:  You know — so they know that I’ve been taken.

Me: Been taking what? Benadryl?

I discreetly gave Tiffany my gal-pal, the once over while wondering about the accuracy of her statement. Seriously? Yes, she’s attractive in that well-preserved apricot jam type of way, but really? Are there actually women who have so many men coming on to them that they cannot concentrate enough to knock on watermelons or end up rereading the same line of their grocery list due to the ever-present distraction of having to decline dinner dates?

Who were all these males that Tiffany (and apparently others) were giving the proverbial (ring) finger to? I just had to find out.

Little Miss Menopause Interviews Men About Jewelry

Me: Thanks for helping me with my research, guys! So what do you think about the Engagement Band?

Guy: (Mid-20’s) Do they play pop-rap or alternative rock?

Me: No, I’m talking about a real rock. You know, the kind women wear on their left hand to send signals to men?

Guy: (Mid-40’s) The only signal I get is to take out the trash.

Guy: (Early 30’s) Which body part does your wife wear the garbage thing on? I think mine’s got on a “mow the lawn” anklet.

Me: Now now, there’ll be no strategic chopping off of appendages, please. Alright so do you find a ring on a woman to be a strong deterrent?

Guy (Mid-20’s) You mean like Tide or Gain?

Me: You just listen from now on, okay?

Obviously my Jewelry focus group for men is going nowhere and the subject is getting more confusing, so bear with me as I change the format to . . .

5 Tips About Important Jewelry Everyone Should Know

  1. Symbolic — Since women are putting wedding rings on when they’re unattached and men are taking wedding rings off when in fact they ARE very married, nowadays this golden loop most likely stands for total random nonsense. Instead everyone should display Zoo ticket receipts. If you haven’t been to a zoo recently, then you’re unmarried. Trust me on this.
  2. Promise Rings — Men who give women this particular piece of jewelry are in actuality saying, “Promise that after you wear this, you’ll still be interested in sex”  Women who give a promise ring to their husband should insist he recite these words as he slips it on:  “I hereby promise not to remove my real wedding ring when I see a hot blonde.”
  3. Family Heirlooms — We get it, you want her to think you’re super sentimental. But Great Grandma Pearl’s dying wish was to be buried in her double strand of fresh-waters, so you goofed-up (big time!) at the funeral. Put ’em back, buster.
  4. Size — When ring shopping, she’ll try to convince you that the number of carats equals your amount of love. Tell her you need to think about that statement, but you’ll definitely give her “a ring” tomorrow. Then telephone her the next day and break-up.
  5. Earrings — Go ahead and summon up the courage to get your ears piereced together and even buy His n’ Her matching ruby studs — but when you’re brave enough to get hitched, literally link yourselves together thru the ear holes by sharing one hoop earring. It’s the modern day ball & chain. Ain’t nobody picking someone else up in the produce section now! Problem solved.

If you enjoyed my “sparkling” sense of humor with this silly jewelry piece, please visit an oldie of mine RIGHT HERE about how women can convince a man that size really DOES matter.

Would You Date Casper the Ghost?

Casper the GhostWhen you’re a Ghost Writer, you often wish you hadn’t agreed to let someone else take credit for YOUR brilliant, original words.   Nothing worse than a regretful phantom.  But are people ever sorry they asked you to ghost write for them?  I think my obnoxious divorcee neighbor wishes she could take back that fateful day when she asked me to compose her online dating profile.  Listen:

Lydia: I just got my eyes and boobs done.

Me:  Done? I didn’t realize you were born with incomplete sets?

Lydia:  Very funny.  And the Doctor took some extra fat off my butt and injected it into my lips, so they’re nice and full.

Me:  Great!  Now all those men can continue to kiss your ass and never even know it.

At least you won't have to wonder where thin lips like these may have been before!

At least you won’t have to wonder where thin lips (like these) MAY have been before!

Lydia:  Never mind that.  How about using some of that clever humor of yours to help me find someone who will appreciate my anti-aging efforts?

She had a point.  I have never seen anyone so well-preserved – – except maybe a jar of strawberry jam.

That’s why I simply have no idea why Lydia rejected the witty title I composed for her Personal Ad. . .

Will you be my Charmed Princester Before I Become an Old Spinster?

Some people can be so picky.  But I changed it to something much better.

The adventure was on!  Lydia enthusiastically gave me her password to Match.com and soon I was thrust into the Online Single Dating world.  AS SOMEONE ELSE.

And lemme tell you – – with my very Dark Brunette style of writing, I was gonna make extra sure that Blondes do indeed, have more fun.

The intro line . . .

5ft 2″, Green-Eyed Monster Blonde Hears Voices, But Has Too Much SelFContRol to Act On Them!

And then because everyone knows that men need a good opening line to help them write interesting responses. . .

BE surE to ask me about the time I Stumbled and trippEd over my right breast.

Then the middle portion went like this . . .

EXcited to meet “The Man in the Mirror!”  I’ll certainly be your “Thriller.”  On our first date, we won’t “Stop Till You Get Enough.” I might be “Bad” in bed, but at least you won’t have to stay home alone and “Beat It.”

Yeah.  She may not be such a huge Michael Jackson fan anymore after she reads that. Maybe she’ll stop blasting “Billy Jean” at 2 am.

I’m an expert stripper and very good with my hands.  But my sanding and varnishing skills might need a little work.

Ho hum – –  my own humor was boring even to me, and the money she was shelling out ($0) for me to write this junk wasn’t worth it, so when I got sick and tired of thinking up little gems, I decided to peruse the male online profiles.  AS LYDIA.

And lo and behold, whom do I see but my ex-husband!   At first I didn’t think it was really him, because the headline didn’t proclaim, “God’s Gift To Women.”  But I’d know that stupid joke about the one-legged flamingo and roll of toilet paper anywhere.  It was definitely him. Perfect.  I quickly poked and prodded and pinched and winked until he finally sent me a real message. Aha!  I gleefully watched his status change from “Guest” to “Paying member.”  Good.  Because I was worth it.

I took this as my big opportunity to find out what he really tells people about the reason why we got divorced.

Hi Handsome! Before we get in too Deep, I’m a Firm believer in finding out why a man’s marriage failed.  Mind telling me your story?  Flirtaciously Yours,  Lydia.

I figured I had him with “Deep” and “Firm.”  His response came instantaneously.

Forget it.  You’re just as nosy as my Ex-Wife.

Hmmph – – How dare he respond so rudely to poor, innocent Lydia!

I turned my attentions back to her silly profile and decided what Lydia needed was some nice photos to attract just the right man for her.  I went onto Google Maps, entered her Home address, and found a lovely picture taken in her backyard from a helicopter.  Men just love candids.  And another taken of her smoking, so all the guys could appreciate how much determination it took for her to quit.

I'm Seeking a Non-Smoker ONLY.

I’m Seeking a Non-Smoker ONLY.

There's no grass back here for you to have to mow!

Dear Potential Mate:  There’s no grass back here for you to have to mow!

Next I decided to scope out Lydia’s competition and began methodically scanning all the women until I ran straight into one I recognized.  It was none other than my boyfriend’s sister-in-law.  The only problem was she was happily married.  To my boyfriend’s brother.  What to do?  What to do?  There was only one thing to do.  I called my boyfriend and broke the bad news to him.

Boyfriend:  Forget my sister-in-law.  You were  roaming around on a dating website because . . . ??

Me:  Oh.  That’s easy.  I was hired by my neighbor Lydia to write a profile for her.  Just call her and verify everything, Honey.

It could have been that Lydia no longer thought my humor was very funny.  Or it could have been the slightly unflattering photos of her that I put up.  But I seriously doubt it was my clever new title for her profile . . .

I’m Chlamydia Lydia – – Looking For My Penicillin Pete!

I guess I’ll never know the exact reason because Lydia refused to say.  But she vehemently denied ever asking me to write her dating profile, which left me in some awfully hot water with my boyfriend.  That’s okay though, because Lydia now has a hot message of her own, running through her profile like a Secret Coded Anagram.  Check out the Green Capital letters above.

And good luck, Lydia!  I’m gonna make like a ghost and disappear now, but your online dating life might haunt you for some time to come.