THERE IS NEW HOPE. NO MORE BEING LEFT OUT ON THE SIDELINES!
Disclaimer: Not all of these tips are foolproof. I will be testing some today and reporting back.
1. Make Guacamole. Just do this. Trust me. Even if you don’t have any avocados. Use kiwis or better yet, unripened bananas. A typical Super Bowl guest won’t notice the substitution if he is inebriated. Or just Old and Yelling a lot. (Old Yeller was a sad movie but has nothing to do with football or guacamole, so I won’t mention that a nice dog gets shot with a rifle at the end when they certainly could’ve taken him to a vet.) The real point is these people will just keep dipping and dipping while making a big deal over the TV. The Big Dippers.
2. Never say this – – “I don’t know why you people don’t just record this stuff and watch it later so you can fast forward through all these silly commercials.” Never. Ever.
3. Football fans are an exuberant bunch. But they know their terminology. Before you attempt to chime in during an actual live play of the game, experiment with a commercial. (see # 2 to grasp the importance of Advertising) Try the following options: A) Clap uproariously at a Clydesdale. B) Shout, “Hold ‘em! That’s the way!” to Kermit C) Throw a chip at the television and say, “Doritos?! They suck this year! My money’s on the Lays.”
4. Casually introduce conversation with, “How about that Joe Namath?” If this doesn’t get the reaction you are looking for, tell them you were a cheerleader for your brother in Pop Warner leagues. Note: This will only be effective if you produce a photo. Still nothing? Remind them you brought the guacamole.
5. Wait until intermission to pass out copies of your latest blog. In case you don’t recognize when that occurs, it will be called, “Half Time.” One whole game = four quarters or two halves or forty nickels. I am still not sure if a Susan B. Anthony silver dollar might fit in with their formula or not.
6. If you are tired, don’t yawn. Simply look at the clock (lower right hand side of the television screen) and if it says (only!) three minutes are left to go (or anything under that) you will now have time to play an entire game of Monopoly.
7. Look around for other wives and girlfriends that have that “I’m so bored, I could throw-up” green pallor on their face. Look closely. This could just be the guacamole. Say to them, “Hey, I know what!! Let’s go in the other room and compose a Match.com ad for ourselves.”
8. You will eventually need to choose a side and root for them. Lemme help you. If you don’t mind rainy weather, I’d go with the Seahawks. However, if you’ve never fallen off a horse in your life, the Broncos are your team! Just don’t cheer for the men with the black and white vertical stripes, they usually just stand around a lot.
9. Right about now, you’re probably ready to toss out some authentic, sporty vocabulary during the actual game. Wait until the room is in some sort of an uproar over a bad call, then holler, “A noose, a tree . . . let’s hang the referee!” It’s always safe to pick on a man who doesn’t weight 285 lbs, carries a whistle, and speaks in pantomime.
10. If none of this is working for you, continue nodding and being polite, offering nervous pacing men (and other guests who come in late) your spot on the sofa. Do this until every seat in the house is taken and you have to sit in the bathroom.
Happy Super Bowl Sunday!