How to be “Super” Popular at a Super Bowl Party (If you don’t know football!)


Do not attempt this. Too difficult (and carby) and you won't be seeing most of these people ever again anyhow.

Do not attempt this! Too difficult (and carby) and it’s not like you’ll be seeing these people any time soon to warrant putting this much effort into impressing.

THERE IS NEW HOPE.   NO MORE BEING LEFT OUT ON THE SIDELINES!

Disclaimer: Not all of these tips are foolproof. I will be testing some today and reporting back.

1. Make Guacamole. Just do this. Trust me.  Even if you don’t have any avocados. Use kiwis or better yet, unripened bananas.  A  typical Super Bowl guest won’t notice the substitution if he is inebriated. Or just Old and Yelling a lot. (Old Yeller was a sad movie but has nothing to do with football or guacamole, so I won’t mention that a nice dog gets shot with a rifle at the end when they certainly could’ve taken him to a vet.) The real point is these people will just keep dipping and dipping while making a big deal over the TV.   The Big Dippers.

2. Never say this  – –  “I don’t know why you people don’t just record this stuff and watch it later  so you can fast forward through all these silly commercials.” Never.  Ever.

3. Football fans are an exuberant bunch. But they know their terminology. Before you attempt to chime in during an actual live play of the game, experiment with a commercial. (see # 2 to grasp the importance of Advertising) Try the following options:   A) Clap uproariously at a Clydesdale.  B) Shout, “Hold ‘em! That’s the way!” to Kermit C) Throw a chip at the television and say, “Doritos?! They suck this year! My money’s on the Lays.”

4. Casually introduce conversation with, “How about that Joe Namath?” If this doesn’t get the reaction you are looking for, tell them you were a cheerleader for your brother in Pop Warner leagues. Note: This will only be effective if you produce a photo. Still nothing? Remind them you brought the guacamole.

5. Wait until intermission to pass out copies of your latest blog. In case you don’t recognize when that occurs, it will be called, “Half Time.” One whole game = four quarters or two halves or forty nickels.  I am still not sure if a Susan B. Anthony silver dollar might fit in with their formula or not.

6. If you are tired, don’t yawn. Simply look at the clock (lower right hand side of the television screen) and if it says (only!) three minutes are left to go (or anything under that) you will now have time to play an entire game of Monopoly.

7. Look around for other wives and girlfriends that have that “I’m so bored, I could throw-up” green pallor on their face. Look closely. This could just be the guacamole. Say to them, “Hey, I know what!!  Let’s go in the other room and compose a Match.com ad for ourselves.”

8. You will eventually need to choose a side and root for them.  Lemme help you.  If you don’t mind rainy weather, I’d go with the Seahawks. However, if you’ve never fallen off a horse in your life, the Broncos are your team!  Just don’t cheer for the men with the black and white vertical stripes, they usually just stand around a lot.

9. Right about now, you’re probably ready to toss out some authentic, sporty vocabulary during the actual game.  Wait until the room is in some sort of an uproar over a bad call, then holler, “A noose, a tree . . . let’s hang the referee!” It’s always safe to pick on a man who doesn’t weight 285 lbs, carries a whistle, and speaks in pantomime.

10. If none of this is working for you, continue nodding and being polite, offering nervous pacing men (and other guests who come in late) your spot on the sofa. Do this until every seat in the house is taken and you have to sit in the bathroom.

Happy Super Bowl Sunday!

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27 thoughts on “How to be “Super” Popular at a Super Bowl Party (If you don’t know football!)

  1. I estimated the time remaining by multiplying the minutes by hours. I despised football because it tackled my birthday, but you gave me new strategies for appreciating it. Now I know why the black-and-white team never won, even though they made it to every SuperBowl.

    (your casual Joe Namath comment took me right back to BirdCage)

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  2. Loved this. #6, 7, and 10 were my favorites. I usually don’t watch superbowl, but did today, and rooted for Seahawks because they were the underdogs, so I made superbowl history by actually watching THE WHOLE GAME this year. Next year I’ll try the guacamole trick.

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    • Thanks bunches, Deborah! I liked #6 actually myself. It never fails that when I ask how much time is left and am told “only 2 min 40 sec” that an hour later somehow there’s still “JUST 1 min 10 secs left!!” I wish my birthday worked on a clock like that!

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  3. OMG! Hilarious! I got booted out of a Super Bowl game some years back. I don’t know (or care) what is going on. The guys were all trying to tell me what was what. I was told by one man that the “Tight End” was making a play. I was really frustrated at that point and said “Which one is that? They ALL have tight ends!” as the men were in the lines bent over. I was told to leave.
    Leslie

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        • A bit creepy, huh? Woulda made a good Hitchcock thriller if they had blogs back then. Speaking of, I just checked out your fine blog (do you have an “About “page?) and read a few posts. Nicely done and more thorough than I’ve ever seen! I came across Spellbound and remembered exactly where and when I first saw that film, plus who I was with – – thanks for that! But the thing I found most ironic is that you use the theme entitled, “Vertigo.” Surely not a coincidence??

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          • lol – The “Vertigo” theme was on purpose. There is no “About me” because I am an indie filmmaker and do not want the blog to be perceived as a promotional gimmick. Devon is my nickname. I am a huge film geek and am currently in the process of outlining my second feature film (my first was a critical and festival success but made no money). This second project is a project for hire (meaning a paid gig where I have a lot of creative control).

            http://www.imdb.com/name/nm4460778/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1

            facebook.com/TrialBySelfMovie

            The blog is about none of that. It is simply a tribute to Hitchcock. I have two bookshelves full of books about the director (he is one of my five favorites). I own all of his films on DVD and as I collect them on blu-ray, I decided to do a blog (approx. 1 post per week – if I can afford a new disc the previous week.) lol — This is likely WAY more than you ever wanted or needed to know. 😉

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  4. This was funny and cleaver. If you are a guy I don’t recommend this advice. We may just revoke our man card. However, if your not sure of the team to root for please don’t let us hear you say SeaBroncs. Since I’m in a pool this year I’ll I don’t care who wins just so the score comes out right. I’ll be checking that between laps.

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  5. Funny! I will try to put all of this to good use today. Except the guacamole (too lazy to make it– bringing store bought dessert on nice platter to pass it off as home made).

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

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