You Can’t Be Serious???

Btw, this is a great movie!

Btw, this is a great movie!

From time to time I write non-humorous material but hesitate to post it here because I don’t want to disappoint readers who are expecting chuckles. But if you’re a parent or a teenager (or just vividly remember being a teenager!) you might like to visit these two online magazines that are both featuring my work today.

I’m against labeling (“A label is just a fable!” will be my new bumper-sticker and coffee mug idea!) so if you’re curious why I actually turned to labels to help my teenage daughter, just read my latest piece RIGHT HERE.  Please leave me a comment there if you support this concept.

And you wouldn’t believe the secret life I just found on my Tween daughter’s cellphone (well, maybe YOU would, but I was shocked!) and she’s not alone attending middle school and having this kind of content! Check out my article RIGHT HERE if you’re wondering why I think we should call them  “Smutphones” instead of “Smartphones!” Please tweet this article out if you wanna help me share awareness.

Happy 4th of July to all you wonderful readers and bloggers!

Stephanie

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Overheard Conversations With NON-Bloggers

photo-149Any of this sound familiar?

Neighbor:  I don’t read blogs.  Why don’t you just Turn Your Blog Into A Real Book or something?

Me:  What’s wrong with reading a blog?  It’s free.  It’s entertaining. It’s easy and it’s short and sweet.

Neighbor:  Oh you know.  Well, you know.  So what do you hope to get out of this little obsession of yours, anyhow?

Me:  It’s gratifying to express myself, the humor is cathartic for me.  Oh, and I’m bringing peace in the middle East.

Neighbor:  Why don’t you actually go out in the real world and do the things you waste your time blogging about?

Me:  Excuse me, can you turn down the volume of your “America’s Funniest Home Videos,” – – I couldn’t quite catch that last question.

Neighbor:  Right.  Well you know what they say – –  “Those that can – – do.  And those that can’t . . . Blog.”  To each his own.  But how can someone possibly make any money doing this Blah Blah Blah-gging stuff?

Me:  Several ways.  If you get enough people reading, then advertisers will want to be on your blog.  Also if you want to publish a book then…

Neighbor:  Fantastic.   So when are you gonna Co-Star on someone else’s website.  Like going on the Oprah or Ellen show!

Me:  You mean Guest Blog?

Neighbor: Oh, you’re probably not good enough for that.  I heard you could get sued or in big trouble with blogging if you don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.  Or you put your foot in your mouth? Couldn’t you?

Me:  Yep,  “YOU”  sure could.

Mother Knows Best (About Blobs & Such)

Mother:  We sent you to college for THIS?

Me:  Got my B.B. degree (Bachelor’s in Blogging)

Mother:   Isn’t Blogging just a fad, like Hula Hoops, Mood Rings, and Sex?photo-197

Me:  Yeah, that’s right.  Just like that silly old Sex trend,  Ma.  Lots of Hits = Multiple Blogasms.

Mother:  (Blushing) Well last night I tried to read some of your recent Pillars and Poles – –  and I just didn’t get what they were about.

Me:  Pillars and Poles?  Oh my Posts.  Well, thank you for reading.  Maybe you could even leave a comment.

Mother:  Me?  Oh,  I wouldn’t have anything to say.  That’s Your thing, Dear.  Well, I guess I could leave a little remark about how you hardly spit-up, walked at 10 months,  and by 2 years old  had a vocabulary of 1,850 words.  We knew right then you’d grow up to be a great, big, successful Blabber.

Me:  Blogger, Ma. Blogger.  And you’re not filling out my Baby Book.  Just leave a simple comment that you like my writing.

Mother:  Oh….I see.  You want me to lie.

The Not So Sweet Sixteen

Daughter:  Who gave you the idea that you could have a humor blog?  You’re not ever funny around the house.  Well, only when you trip over things and that one time you shrunk the living room carpet down to a bath mat.

Me:  Yeah, that was hilarious. And now when anyone takes a shower, I have to tell them not to drip water on my good oriental rug.

Daughter:  Why don’t you blog about recipes or crafts like other normal mothers?

Me:  Because I can’t cook or glue things.

Daughter:  True.  But it’s major awkward that you blog about all the disrespectful stuff I say and the bad grades I get.

Me:  You could just be polite and study.

Daughter:  See?  You’re sooo not funny.  And I’m 16.  When are you going to teach me how to drive already?

Me:  The next time I get Writer’s Block and need some new material.

Daughter:  It’s always about you, isn’t it?   You’re like some kind of Attention Hogger Bragger Blogger.

Me:  You know something, young Lady?  I poured my whole life into you children and…

Daughter:  I know, I know – – there’s a law firm crying at this very moment over their grave loss in court because you gave birth instead.

Me:  So smug.  I COULD have become a lawyer.  But I wasn’t going to say that.  I was going to say that in order to be a better mother to all of you, I have to help myself be happy first.

Daughter:  You get so much mileage out of that “Airplane Oxygen Mask” thing, don’t you?

And The Male Non-Bloggers Are The Most Fun!

Husband:  So daily blogging is the one New Year’s resolution you’re finally able to keep?

Me:  Shhhh, can I just format this last paragraph and add a title and then I’ll listen to you.

Husband:  When can you stop typing and make dinner?

Me:  Don’t you have other thoughts besides food?

Husband:  When can you stop typing and make love?

Me:  Didn’t you hear that Sex went out with Pokemon?photo-198

Husband:  Can’t you at least blog about Victoria’s Secret and review lace push-up bras or something?

Me:  This blog is not about things of the flesh.  I have better things to write about than breasts.

Husband:  Right.  And you didn’t just recently dedicate a whole entire post to your own set of boobs.  ???

Me:  That was different.  But Aha!  So you have been reading my blog?

Husband:  Who do you think left the comment asking what the record for largest cup size is?

Me:  Okay, okay, I’ll come to bed if you let me blog about what’s about to take place there first.  You can check it for accuracy and errors, I promise.

Husbad:  I think I actually just found a typo.  To the left here, in the blue font – –  you accidentally spelled Husband  with the word “bad” on the end.  Unless that’s some sort of commentary on my bedroom skills?

Me:  Yeah, that was intentional.  But let’s have some more of your spell-checking, Honey.  Keep it up.  Let’s see how long you can go for.

Husbad:  Man, talk about  your “Proofreading Anxiety!  Never mind – – WordPress can have you for the night!! (looks down sheepishly)  I’ve already got “Correctile Dysfunction.”

Does anyone in your life really, truly “Get” your Blog??  Who is the least understanding of your blogging world?   Leave me your comments below.

Stop The Ride, I Wanna Get Off!

photo-124

“My mother took me to playgrounds and put me on mood swings!”

– Jay London

Last year I gave myself a headache crunching on Grape-Nuts (that is one loud cereal!) while my teenage son debated whether to go to the San Diego County Fair or hang out with me. When I looked baffled, he explained, “Mom, you have more ups and downs than the “Raging Thunder – SkyScreamer – Twister – Sling Shot – Crazy Mouse – Dark Night rollercoaster all rolled into one!” He meant “Dark Knight,” but since I was having one of my dimmer evenings, I changed the spelling.

Mood swings are the hallmark of menopause. Or are they? Approximately 1 in 4 women between the ages of 40 and 59 take antidepressants. Can this many of us be clinically depressed? Or are we victims zooming down the “Highway of Hormonal Hell?” Hey, now that’s a nifty name for a ride – (Note to Self: Call “Menopausey Land” and discuss sharing royalties!)

When your nickname becomes Sybil or Dr. Jekyll, you might rethink the idea that irritability, anxiety, depression, rage, and brain fog are the “prizes” that automatically come in this particular cereal box we know as “Life.” I’m living proof that with the right doctor, a woman can be stabilized faster than the economy; and certainly all those around her will be better off. It was my same thrill-ride lover son who first printed on a tee-shirt, “When mama’s not happy, ain’t nobody happy!” His grammar needed work, but he was on to something.

Now realize things might need reprioritizing, which brings up self-care. Mind you, my kids roll their eyes on airplanes when flight attendants give that “Parents, put your own oxygen mask on first” speech. That’s because I use that analogy to justify my outlandishly selfish behavior – – like actually taking a shower before making them homemade waffles. Imagine that! Or meditating instead of taking someone to Verizon for the latest iPhone. Or (gasp!) indulging in a girl’s night out at “Wine, Women, & Hormones,” where the underlying issues that have been wreaking havoc in my body and mind in the first place are finally addressed. This new mind shift takes some juggling, but we’re definitely worth it, ladies!

Fast-forward to yesterday while I munched on Grape-Nuts, (switched to flakes – – much quieter!) as my son actually invited me to this year’s opening day at the fair. I promised he wouldn’t be subjected to the gemology exhibit, and instead I’d willingly go to the Fun Zone. “Mom,” he said, hugging me, (no easy feat for a 17 year old!) “Nowadays … you ARE the Fun Zone!” Wow, just wow. Note: I still experienced mood swings (most notably fear, vomiting, and anger) after being dragged on Pharaoh’s Fury and G-Force, but that had nothing to do with my progesterone levels!