I’ve been doing a lot of research on how to get it to happen . . . the pinnacle experience here on WordPress – – the honor of having your blog post exposed to millions of new readers. It’s called “Freshly Pressed.”
I came to the conclusion that there’s nothing a writer can do to make it happen . . . except maybe pray.
With that in mind, Here are the Steps I Took Towards my Goal:
MY FRESHLY PRESSED STRATEGY
1. I went to my House of Worship today and when I got there, the clergy put his hands over my head and uttered some holy words about my Blog. Freshly Blessed!
2. I then knelt down and admitted I had told a few friends I had 50,000 Followers. Freshly Confessed!
3. He then pronounced me a little crazy eyed, kinda guilty – – maybe “the devil made me do it?” Freshly Possessed!
4. While I was there he also healed some of my other ailments, including Writer’s Block. Freshly Convalesced!
5. I went home to prepare for a date with another writer and put on a clean skirt. Freshly Dressed!
6. The writer showed me his new book and I oohed and awed. Freshly Impressed!
7. Feeling inferior, I got up to leave – – but he asked me to stay. I reluctantly sat down. Freshly Acquiesced!
8. We ordered roasted chicken and I took my favorite part – – the white meat. Freshly Breast!
9. He rapidly took my hands, looked into my eyes briefly, and in a big hurry said he’d call me soon. Freshly Expressed!
10. I did my best sexy old movie star impression and drawled, “Why doncha come up and see me sometime?” Freshly Mae West
11. That made him embrace me, running his hands slowly down my backside. Freshly Caressed!
12. When I drove home, I couldn’t stop thinking about his muscular arms, shoulders and chest. Freshly obsessed!
13. I stepped hard on the gas pedal as I began to feel anxious that he wouldn’t call again. Freshly Stressed!
14. The cop asked if I knew how fast I was going? I was unsure, but tried to estimate. 65 mph? Freshly Guessed!
15. When he said he was going to write me up, I began to argue. Freshly Protest!
16. Then he handed me the ticket and I made a recommendation of where he could stick it. Freshly Suggest!
17. He didn’t like that and took out his handcuffs. Freshly Arrest!
18. I asked him to sing to me, reminding him that people get a last wish before they go to jail. Freshly Request!
19. He changed into his costume, (white sequined pants, sunglasses) and put on a long, black famous wig. Freshly Tressed!
This was the moment I had been waiting for! I knew it would finally happen. As I watched him gyrate his hips to Jailhouse Rock, he transformed into a brand new, updated version of “Elvis, The King!” And that’s when I realized, (I was never getting Freshly Pressed. Nope!) I was getting “Presley Freshed!”
And now I remain Freshly Depressed.
“Thank you. Thank you very much!”