How I Came THIS Close to Getting Freshly Pressed !!


photo-350I’ve been doing a lot of research on how to get it to happen . . . the pinnacle experience here on WordPress – – the honor of having your blog post exposed to millions of new readers.  It’s called “Freshly Pressed.”

I came to the conclusion that there’s nothing a writer can do to make it happen . . . except maybe pray.

With that in mind, Here are the Steps I Took Towards my Goal:

MY FRESHLY PRESSED STRATEGY

1.  I went to my House of Worship today and when I got there, the clergy put his hands over my head and uttered some holy words about my Blog.  Freshly Blessed!

2.  I then knelt down and admitted I had told a few friends I had 50,000 Followers.   Freshly Confessed!

3.  He then pronounced me a little crazy eyed, kinda guilty – – maybe “the devil made me do it?”  Freshly Possessed!

4.  While I was there he also healed some of my other ailments, including Writer’s Block.  Freshly Convalesced!

5.  I went home to prepare for a date with another writer and put on a clean skirt.  Freshly Dressed!

6.  The writer showed me his new book and I oohed and awed.  Freshly Impressed!

7.  Feeling inferior, I got up to leave – – but he asked me to stay.  I reluctantly sat down.  Freshly Acquiesced!

8.  We ordered roasted chicken and I took my favorite part – – the white meat.  Freshly Breast!

9.  He rapidly took my hands, looked into my eyes briefly, and in a big hurry said he’d call me soon.  Freshly Expressed!

10.  I did my best sexy old movie star impression and drawled, “Why doncha come up and see me sometime?”  Freshly Mae West

11.  That made him embrace me, running his hands slowly down my backside.  Freshly Caressed!

12.  When I drove home, I couldn’t stop thinking about his muscular arms, shoulders and chest. Freshly obsessed!

13. I stepped hard on the gas pedal as I began to feel anxious that he wouldn’t call again.  Freshly Stressed!

14.  The cop asked if I knew how fast I was going?  I was unsure, but tried to estimate. 65 mph?  Freshly Guessed!

15.   When he said he was going to write me up, I began to argue.  Freshly Protest!

16.  Then he handed me the ticket and I made a recommendation of where he could stick it.  Freshly Suggest!

17.  He didn’t like that and took out his handcuffs.  Freshly Arrest!

18.  I asked him to sing to me, reminding him that people get a last wish before they go to jail.  Freshly Request!

19.  He changed into his costume, (white sequined pants, sunglasses) and put on a long, black famous wig.  Freshly Tressed!

This was the moment I had been waiting for!  I knew it would finally happen.  As I watched him gyrate his hips to Jailhouse Rock, he transformed into a brand new, updated version of  “Elvis, The King!”  And that’s when I realized, (I was never getting Freshly Pressed.  Nope!)  I was getting  “Presley Freshed!”

And now I remain Freshly Depressed.

 

“Thank you.  Thank you very much!”

 

 

 

 

155 thoughts on “How I Came THIS Close to Getting Freshly Pressed !!”

  2. You earn a special place in my heart for making me laughing so hard that people start staring at me. You had me in Freshly Blessed and knocked me down on Presley Freshed! ha..
    pardon my freshly messed *is that even a phrase? 😀

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      • It was completely my pleasure, Stephanie !! your writing is very funny and I couldn’t not share it !! and I spent a good part of my day reading your older posts 😀 (At work…. Shhhh Don’t tell my boss 😉 lol)

        And Thank you 😀 Come by my side of wordpress soon..Have a great day..

        xo
        Madhuri

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  7. Freshly convalesced, as I am sick with some throat thing, but you’ve got me laughing hysterically! I’m healed!!

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  8. No one can write such witty world play as you, Stephanie, I must profess! I hope WordPress reads all the trouble you’ve endured on your quest to be freshly pressed. As far as any other strategies, I have none to suggest…maybe you have to take a test? Regardless, when your time comes and you don the crest of Freshly Pressed, I will not protest, as you’re simply the best. If someone so wildly talented as yourself has not yet been freshly pressed, I know my chance might not come for a few more years, at best. All of this thinking makes me rather depressed, but pardon me, for I’ve digressed. I just wanted to remind you that in my eyes, you’re the best and you never fail to impress!

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    • Adelie – – I cannot thank you enough for leaving a comment like this. I was SUPER touched at all the words you put into it and I think we would make a great brainstorming creative team!! But remember that your chance will probably come far faster than mine – – you’re on fire, Miss Adelie…..and then you’ll have to come visit me so you can be my first Freshly Pressed Houseguest!

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      • I’m glad you enjoyed my little thing I did there! I wasn’t quite sure if it was too corny or not, so I’m glad to receive your approval! Your encouragement and generous support means the absolute world to me, as you’re the queen of comedy and everything quirky and witty! I would be honored to be your first Freshly Pressed Houseguest! I’ll buy a massive bottle of champagne tonight for the occasion! 😀

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        • NEVER ever worry about being too corny or cheesy (why is food always the adjective for awkward emotions?) for me. I am a huge supporter of (let’s see….big brand names?) Green Giant (corn) and Kraft (cheese) and most of all, a huge supporter of YOU! xo

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          • You’re too kind, and I don’t tell you enough how much I deeply appreciate your tireless support! I’m not a huge fan of corn, but cheese- well everything is better with cheese! 😀

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  14. Very well written, Love the humor . . .Freshly Attest. I enjoyed stopping and reading but wanted more . . .Freshly Suggest. With all this great humor I recommend your writing for the Freshly Stressed.

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  16. Pingback: The Illusion of Spare Time on a Saturday Morning | Gluestick Mum

  17. I was ‘Freshly Stressed’ before I came online and now I am ‘Freshly Refreshed’ after reading how you almost got ‘Freshly Pressed’! Loved the idea. Keep it going 😉

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  28. It’ll happen when you least expect it! Just like when your due date has come and gone and you make plans figuring your baby is never going to arrive and then BAM! You go into labor. You’ll be posting your wonderful blogs and then one day glance at your email and then there it’ll be!

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    • I have had so many planned c-sections, my stomach is a roadmap but your analogy still makes sense! So is that how it happened for you? I NEVER would have found you if it hadn’t. I love Freshly Pressed for that reason!!!
      Your biggest fan,
      stephanie

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        • Hi again Diahann – – Thank you! And No, I did not realize this. I really don’t know how to use Twitter at all. I tried to get the hang of Tweeting a year ago, but it seemed like a “fly by night” social media and I thought maybe I should just stick with what I know. “A bird in the hand…” as they say. Maybe a nice reader will let them know about this post, and then when I ask WordPress how they found out about me, they’ll just say, “A little Birdy told me.” Perhaps that reader and I will both get Freshly Pressed….Killing two birds with one stone! Sorry that this comment was pretty much for the Birds!.

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  34. I love how your story rolled along to a crescendo of your last wish, and the policeman as Elvis. Your final line is a gem of contortions. I love this kind of play with language. Thanks for the fun.

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    • Thanks Grace – – as I said to someone else, this had no ending whatsoever and then I put on my blue suede shoes to walk my (hound) dog and tada. I always wanted to say “tada” about one of my endings. Usually I wrack my brain for one and then it’s so contrived. This one seemed meant to be. I am grateful you still read my stuff with how nutty it’s becoming lately!
      Steph

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      • I have the most fun with a piece when I sit down to write without any clue what I will write. I am glad that this piece took you on such an adventure. Thanks for sharing it with us. The nuttier the better!

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    • Freshly Depressed!! How in the world did I leave that one out? That’s how this whole thing started, after all. Thank you so much for coming around with kind words! Very appreciated.
      Take care now,
      Stephanie

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  41. Don’t worry too hard about landing on Freshly Pressed and enjoy the journey. It will happen one day if it was meant to me.

    And when it does happen, you’ll be on vacation…

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  49. I am spechlessley mindboggledly estatically IMPRESSED. YOU HAVE TO BE FRESHLY PRESSED IN PRINT THROUGHOUT THE WHOLE OF WORDPRESS!
    This post has to be out there and there and there and there and ……
    You are great, amazing, fantastic. ok I am going to have a coffee and calm down now but I truly, honestly you blew me away. 🙂 🙂

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