I’ve been doing a lot of research on how to get it to happen . . . the pinnacle experience here on WordPress – – the honor of having your blog post exposed to millions of new readers. It’s called “Freshly Pressed.”
I came to the conclusion that there’s nothing a writer can do to make it happen . . . except maybe pray.
With that in mind, Here are the Steps I Took Towards my Goal:
MY FRESHLY PRESSED STRATEGY
1. I went to my House of Worship today and when I got there, the clergy put his hands over my head and uttered some holy words about my Blog. Freshly Blessed!
2. I then knelt down and admitted I had told a few friends I had 50,000 Followers. Freshly Confessed!
3. He then pronounced me a little crazy eyed, kinda guilty – – maybe “the devil made me do it?” Freshly Possessed!
4. While I was there he also healed some of my other ailments, including Writer’s Block. Freshly Convalesced!
5. I went home to prepare for a date with another writer and put on a clean skirt. Freshly Dressed!
6. The writer showed me his new book and I oohed and awed. Freshly Impressed!
7. Feeling inferior, I got up to leave – – but he asked me to stay. I reluctantly sat down. Freshly Acquiesced!
8. We ordered roasted chicken and I took my favorite part – – the white meat. Freshly Breast!
9. He rapidly took my hands, looked into my eyes briefly, and in a big hurry said he’d call me soon. Freshly Expressed!
10. I did my best sexy old movie star impression and drawled, “Why doncha come up and see me sometime?” Freshly Mae West
11. That made him embrace me, running his hands slowly down my backside. Freshly Caressed!
12. When I drove home, I couldn’t stop thinking about his muscular arms, shoulders and chest. Freshly obsessed!
13. I stepped hard on the gas pedal as I began to feel anxious that he wouldn’t call again. Freshly Stressed!
14. The cop asked if I knew how fast I was going? I was unsure, but tried to estimate. 65 mph? Freshly Guessed!
15. When he said he was going to write me up, I began to argue. Freshly Protest!
16. Then he handed me the ticket and I made a recommendation of where he could stick it. Freshly Suggest!
17. He didn’t like that and took out his handcuffs. Freshly Arrest!
18. I asked him to sing to me, reminding him that people get a last wish before they go to jail. Freshly Request!
19. He changed into his costume, (white sequined pants, sunglasses) and put on a long, black famous wig. Freshly Tressed!
This was the moment I had been waiting for! I knew it would finally happen. As I watched him gyrate his hips to Jailhouse Rock, he transformed into a brand new, updated version of “Elvis, The King!” And that’s when I realized, (I was never getting Freshly Pressed. Nope!) I was getting “Presley Freshed!”
And now I remain Freshly Depressed.
“Thank you. Thank you very much!”
I had fun reading this…thanks you for making me laugh
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No, thank YOU for coming here to tell me!
take care,
Stephanie
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You earn a special place in my heart for making me laughing so hard that people start staring at me. You had me in Freshly Blessed and knocked me down on Presley Freshed! ha..
pardon my freshly messed *is that even a phrase? 😀
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This is the sweetest comment ever! Thank you so much. I have people stare at me all the time, so I just consider it flattering. 😉 Anyhow, freshly messed IS a phrase now!
thank you again,
Stephanie
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Aaaww… Thanks for the compliment and the freshly stated phrase.. 😀
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hilarious and witty. enjoyed it thoroughly.
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Very thoughtful of you to leave a comment to tell me. Much appreciated!
take care,
stephanie
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freshly entertained!
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ahh, I really like that! Thank you for taking your time to come here, read and remark!
take care,
stephanie
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Reblogged this on Effloresce23 and commented:
Freshly Pressed or Presley Freshed ?? Very witty !!! 😀
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How wonderful of you! Thank you so much for taking the time to help another blogger! I will come visit Effloresce23 very soon. Love the name!!
take care,
stephanie
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It was completely my pleasure, Stephanie !! your writing is very funny and I couldn’t not share it !! and I spent a good part of my day reading your older posts 😀 (At work…. Shhhh Don’t tell my boss 😉 lol)
And Thank you 😀 Come by my side of wordpress soon..Have a great day..
xo
Madhuri
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Enjoyed reading your post at 3am. It made me laughed. I am freshly amused.
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I am freshly appreciative! Thank you for coming and remarking at that late hour! Although, I was awake with my insomnia too!!
take care,
Stephanie
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Freshly convalesced, as I am sick with some throat thing, but you’ve got me laughing hysterically! I’m healed!!
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ahh, how sweet – – hope it didn’t scratch your throat more. Thank you for dropping in to read and comment and definitely GET WELL! Or go to the Dr. and tell him you need to be Freshly Addressed!
take care,
stephanie
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No one can write such witty world play as you, Stephanie, I must profess! I hope WordPress reads all the trouble you’ve endured on your quest to be freshly pressed. As far as any other strategies, I have none to suggest…maybe you have to take a test? Regardless, when your time comes and you don the crest of Freshly Pressed, I will not protest, as you’re simply the best. If someone so wildly talented as yourself has not yet been freshly pressed, I know my chance might not come for a few more years, at best. All of this thinking makes me rather depressed, but pardon me, for I’ve digressed. I just wanted to remind you that in my eyes, you’re the best and you never fail to impress!
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Adelie – – I cannot thank you enough for leaving a comment like this. I was SUPER touched at all the words you put into it and I think we would make a great brainstorming creative team!! But remember that your chance will probably come far faster than mine – – you’re on fire, Miss Adelie…..and then you’ll have to come visit me so you can be my first Freshly Pressed Houseguest!
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I’m glad you enjoyed my little thing I did there! I wasn’t quite sure if it was too corny or not, so I’m glad to receive your approval! Your encouragement and generous support means the absolute world to me, as you’re the queen of comedy and everything quirky and witty! I would be honored to be your first Freshly Pressed Houseguest! I’ll buy a massive bottle of champagne tonight for the occasion! 😀
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NEVER ever worry about being too corny or cheesy (why is food always the adjective for awkward emotions?) for me. I am a huge supporter of (let’s see….big brand names?) Green Giant (corn) and Kraft (cheese) and most of all, a huge supporter of YOU! xo
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You’re too kind, and I don’t tell you enough how much I deeply appreciate your tireless support! I’m not a huge fan of corn, but cheese- well everything is better with cheese! 😀
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18. I stood by his side, gave my best smile- lights, action, camera- posted the selfie, 500 likes; Freshly Burlesque! 🙂
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Oh you Lively thing, you! Ha – – Love, Love, Love!!
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You’ve addressed your quest to be pressed with lot’s a’ zest! You are definitely THE BEST!
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I knew my bloggymatey would bring the Zest to this whole thing!!! Thank you, Donna!
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Hysterical! OMG, you are uh-mazing! This post definitely deserves to be Freshly Pressed; if it’s not, I will be Freshly Depressed! Eva
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Just saw this, Eva and want to thank you for taking the time to comment. It brought me such joy! I’m not so freshly distressed!
take care,
stephanie
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Haha and you filled my room full of laughter! Loved it!
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ahh, thank you my Model Friend – – I am honored that my odd writing hasn’t worn out its welcome with you.
xo
Stephanie
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Hehe, I tend to put my sassy pants on quite often 😛
❤
Michelle
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I totally went dyslexic on that last freshly “Presley Freshed!”and read what you’d been hoping for… 🙂
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Funny since that’s exactly how I got my ending! Thanks so much for visiting me – – I am always honored!
Stephanie
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Very well written, Love the humor . . .Freshly Attest. I enjoyed stopping and reading but wanted more . . .Freshly Suggest. With all this great humor I recommend your writing for the Freshly Stressed.
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Very cute – – thank you! Hopefully I will stay on topic in the future and not get Freshly Digressed.
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Another fresh-off-the-press, hilarious post! I’m certainly not going to attempt getting ‘fresh’ with you M/s Stephanie!
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Ha Wendy – – Now why didn’t I think of that funny line (getting fresh with you) and use it in the Lunch Date portion of my post? That’s why I have you, right?! 😉
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I was ‘Freshly Stressed’ before I came online and now I am ‘Freshly Refreshed’ after reading how you almost got ‘Freshly Pressed’! Loved the idea. Keep it going 😉
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Thank you so very much! I got a lot of joy out of this comment!!
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Hello. I dedicate Outkast’s “So Fresh, So Clean” to you:
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Thank you! Never heard that before!
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Genius! 🙂
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Well, I don’t know what to say about that, but you’re very kind!
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Lolzz 😄 hilarious!! Loved it!!
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Thank you very much for dropping by today!
Stephanie
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I think your Blog was Freshly Best!
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Thank you for saying so – – much appreciate the time before you leave on a big trip!
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Laughed so much …..FRESHLY BADINAGED !! :))
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How nice of you to tell me. Thank you!
Stephanie
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Very clever and funny – you definitely deserve to be freshly pressed! Really enjoyed it. 😊
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much gratitude for you to say that – – I definitely think it’s something I have glamorized in my head. Thanks for commenting today!!
Stepanie
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That is too funny!! I love it 🙂
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Thank you so much – – it’s really nice for someone to “get” my very strange humor.
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This is hilarious! You so deserve an FP for this post! 😀
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aww, very kind of you to say. But it’s so funny when you say it with initials (FP) I think of FastPass at Disneyland!
take care,
Stephanie
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Diahann gave us a Fast Pass to help you get Freshly Pressed, but this time, you’re standing in line for months or years instead of hours.
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I think I heard Elvis laughing!! One of your best, no doubt!! Press on.
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Thank you! Elvis is either laughing or turning over in his grave.
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Pure genius , What a great story… You should now be ” Freshly Pressed”
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That’s so very kind of you. Thank you for popping in to comment! How did you find me? Nobody ever finds me!
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I found you on Share Your WordPress Blogs.
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It’ll happen when you least expect it! Just like when your due date has come and gone and you make plans figuring your baby is never going to arrive and then BAM! You go into labor. You’ll be posting your wonderful blogs and then one day glance at your email and then there it’ll be!
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I have had so many planned c-sections, my stomach is a roadmap but your analogy still makes sense! So is that how it happened for you? I NEVER would have found you if it hadn’t. I love Freshly Pressed for that reason!!!
Your biggest fan,
stephanie
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Yes – that’s how it happened. Every time I posted I thought, “this is it! This one will make it” only to be disappointed. Then I decided to stop hoping and bam! Freshly Pressed.
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Loved this. You are hilarious, creative, and amazing!!
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Thank you so very much. I am honored you’ve given your time to read and comment.
Have a splendid weekend,
Stephanie
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🙂 Great ending… love how you embrace your inner stand up. As for Freshly Pressed- it’s just a matter of time before they discover you.
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Thanks Diahann! You are so good for my self-esteem. I had no ending for this and then somehow it came to me like a Hound Dog. 😉 Boooo, that was bad!
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Also, I’m not sure if you know this, but a good way to up your odds of getting FP is for someone or two to let them know about a post of yours that they love via twitter. https://twitter.com/freshly_pressed
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Hi again Diahann – – Thank you! And No, I did not realize this. I really don’t know how to use Twitter at all. I tried to get the hang of Tweeting a year ago, but it seemed like a “fly by night” social media and I thought maybe I should just stick with what I know. “A bird in the hand…” as they say. Maybe a nice reader will let them know about this post, and then when I ask WordPress how they found out about me, they’ll just say, “A little Birdy told me.” Perhaps that reader and I will both get Freshly Pressed….Killing two birds with one stone! Sorry that this comment was pretty much for the Birds!.
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That was greatness!!! Loved it!
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Big thank you for stopping by and leaving such a sweet remark. I love the “Did That just Happen?” title. Will be following the breadcrumbs back to visit you next!
Stephanie
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Thanks!
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HAHAHAHA.
Presley Freshed got me.
Please make this a music video.
That is all.
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I laughed so hard reading this, I hurt myself.
But I’m better now. <a style="color:blue;" Freshly Convalesced.
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Argh!!! Blew the code.
Should have read
I laughed so hard reading this, I hurt myself.
But I’m better now. Freshly Convalesced.
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Ha!! You’re always more clever than the post itself. Freshly convalesced!! Thank you.
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I love how your story rolled along to a crescendo of your last wish, and the policeman as Elvis. Your final line is a gem of contortions. I love this kind of play with language. Thanks for the fun.
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Thanks Grace – – as I said to someone else, this had no ending whatsoever and then I put on my blue suede shoes to walk my (hound) dog and tada. I always wanted to say “tada” about one of my endings. Usually I wrack my brain for one and then it’s so contrived. This one seemed meant to be. I am grateful you still read my stuff with how nutty it’s becoming lately!
Steph
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I have the most fun with a piece when I sit down to write without any clue what I will write. I am glad that this piece took you on such an adventure. Thanks for sharing it with us. The nuttier the better!
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In awe. Just plain awesome. Awfully impressed.
You’ve built it and they will come. Fresh Interest.
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You’re such a doll and I really get so honored when you come to my blog with all the fabulous writing I’ve seen on yours. It’s a thrill. Thank you.
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How can a word-freak from Memphis not love this? If they let blog-readers vote, you’d be freshly successed.
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Freshly successed! There’s one I missed. Darn! You clever thing, you. Thank you so much for always being so supportive here.
Stephanie
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You are absolutely insane. That’s why I like you lol!
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thank you……but let’s not spread that fact around, kay? 😉
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It will be our little secret 😉
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Hilarious! And a good way to handle the woes of being Freshly Depressed about not being Freshly Pressed!
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Freshly Depressed!! How in the world did I leave that one out? That’s how this whole thing started, after all. Thank you so much for coming around with kind words! Very appreciated.
Take care now,
Stephanie
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Oh. My. GOD! I have tears in my eyes. This is hysterical and it hits the mark all of us can understand! Bravo!
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Maggie? You make me feel good. Thank you, Maggie. xoxo
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I had to stop mid-step to read this. FRESHLY PAUSED!!
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You are just adorable! Loved this comment!
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Don’t worry too hard about landing on Freshly Pressed and enjoy the journey. It will happen one day if it was meant to me.
And when it does happen, you’ll be on vacation…
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Spent all day trying to figure out whether “if it was meant to me” was a typo or just YOU again! Thanks for reading!
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I told you so. You got Freshly Pressed and you’re not around. (They FP’d all the BlogHer winners.)
Seriously, though, you said you live in San Diego, right? Hope you’re safe.
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yes, I reside in Carlsbad, San Diego and it was quite scary. Thanks for inquiring. And yeah – – something about them FPing all BlogHer stuff makes it very routine-like. I think I just need a new fantasy.
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I am freshly impressed by this post!Gave me a good laugh this morning 🙂
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How nice of you! Mornings are not fun for me at all…. Hope yours was good.
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I already don’t know how you haven’t made it to Freshly Pressed yet. If they overlook this I shall be Freshly Distressed.
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Love it! This needs to be freshly pressed!
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Lol that was utterly crazy and amusing! There is a pointer page from wp to increase your chances but nothing to ultimately make it happen x
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hahahahaha…. absolutely !!!! 😀
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This was Prime Entertainment!;-) Very clever 🙂
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You are extraordinarily CLEVER. I am not on WordPress, but I am FRESHLY IMPRESSED with this bit of genius!
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Thank you!
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I am spechlessley mindboggledly estatically IMPRESSED. YOU HAVE TO BE FRESHLY PRESSED IN PRINT THROUGHOUT THE WHOLE OF WORDPRESS!
This post has to be out there and there and there and there and ……
You are great, amazing, fantastic. ok I am going to have a coffee and calm down now but I truly, honestly you blew me away. 🙂 🙂
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Rose, Rose, Rose, a rose by any other name – – would not be nearly as kind and as endearing as you. Thank you so much!!
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That was great 🙂 Needed a good laugh this morning. Hugs Helene xxx
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Thank you so much, Helene! Much love.
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