It’s a full moon and God has been stalking me. Online. Now mind you, I think it could possibly be a God Fraud, (He spells his name Godd) but I still find it enormously flattering and will NOT get a restraining order. It all started when I couldn’t resist clicking on the “See Who Viewed You Recently,” button on “Linked In.” And there he was!
Godd’s Profile on LinkedIn
PROFESSIONS:
1. Vacuum Salesman (Cleanliness Is Next To Godliness?)
2. Detective/Investigator (God Works in Mysterious Ways?)
3. Atlas Van Lines (God Can Move Heaven AND Earth?)
4. Beef Industry (Holy Cow!)
5. Math Teacher (Your Numbers Up!)
He also endorsed me for Writing Poetry, Building Toothpick Sculptures and Cooking Meatloaf Shaped like a Heart. How on earth did Godd ever know that??
The next thing I knew, Godd sent me a Friend Request on Facebook!! For Heaven’s sake!
So I checked him out there, too….
Godd’s Profile on Facebook
Divorced From: Betsy (Heavens To Betsy!)
Children: Two
Daughter – Marcy (Lord Have Mercy? – – Typo on Birth Certificate?)
Son – Susej (Dyslexia?)
Favorite Quote: “There, but for the Grace of God, Go I.”
Favorite Food: Angel Food Cake
Favorite Song: “My Sweet Lord” (George Harrison) and “God Only Knows” (The Beach Boys)
Favorite Movie: All Dogs Go To Heaven
Pet Peeve: Why do so many people have to sneeze every single minute?
Then to my surprise, I got a notification that Godd had become a Follower of mine right here on WordPress, so I went to peruse his Blog and this is what I saw.
“Godd With a Blog”
Where I part the Red C C’s
Godd’s About Page – – This blog is for all my creations made in my own image. I am all places at all times, all knowing and all powerful. I command you to follow thee.
COMMENTS (3)
Wow. You’ve really got a God complex. Good luck with that, buddy!
Thanks for liking my most recent post on Tablets. You did understand that they were electronic, right? Just checking because the advice to smash them was confusing? At any rate, it will be nice to have an omniscient narrator around.
I really like the theme of your blog. Maybe you could write an updated list of the Ten Plagues? Cuz Lice? Really?
Then suddenly I got a Wink from Godd at Match.Com. Of course I just had to view him there.
Godd’s Profile on Match.Com
Hi! Thank you for considering me. Though I’m not tall, dark and handsome, I count my blessings that I don’t look like George Burns. But the good news is – – YOU needn’t have the face of an Angel either. Just be a good person. I would describe my personality as follows: Wise (Proverbs 3:19; Romans 16:26-27) Righteous and Just (Deuteronomy 32:4; Psalm 11:7; Psalm 119:137) and Gracious (Exodus 34:6).
I have just a few rules I would like for my Perfect Match to follow, well there’s Ten really. Be warned: There could be Hell to pay if you don’t abide by them. But we can talk about that on our first date. And Holy Smokes, please be a non-smoker! As for what we’ll do together? For G-d’s sake, please leave that in My Hands, too. I have a Grand Plan. But we won’t be going to hell in a handbasket, I can promise you that.
My hobbies are Walking on Water, Burning Bushes, Raising Hell and when it Freezes Over, I Pave the road to it with good intentions. I also enjoy keeping busy with arts and crafts because idle hands are the devil’s workshop. What am I looking for in a mate? Just please don’t have a fiery temper like my last girlfriend – – Hell have no fury like a woman scorned.
After all of this, I thought we might be fairly compatible so I poked Godd and then gave him my phone number. I even mentioned I was excited to meet him with a few exclamation points. I got this text back from him:
No OMG’s pls.
That was followed by another message, which made me think he might be the jealous type.
i m only 1 4 u. seriously! no 1 b4 me.
We set up a time/place to meet and I must say at first I was rather disappointed. As is usual for these dating sites, Godd did not resemble his image at all. They must not have been recent pics. And he had a little paunch. I betcha he snored, too.
But then Godd confessed. He was not “Almighty.” He was only just sorta, “Alrighty.” It seems he wasn’t getting any responses to his ordinary profiles when he had put down his true description of, “Odd” – – so one day he added the “G” just for fun. The results had been life-changing. He immediately felt like God’s Gift to Women.
I was actually relieved. The original way was just far too much pressure. But now . . . well my being “Quirky” and him being “Odd” seemed like it could work. I mean we could possibly be a match. Just not a match made in heaven, of course.
If you want to send a message to G-d, you can do so by clicking HERE
https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/moon/
Yep he’s the one for you…Go with God my daughter.
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Yep your god is my god—OMG I’m starting to write like Cecile B. DeMille! Stephanie I believe that you captured every angle when it came to god, like I tried to do with Death. God help us!
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Cleverly done! I chuckled all the way through.
God does have a sense of humor so even He probably chuckled, except for the first 3 letters. He sees nothing funny about taking His name in vain. Have you ever noticed no one cusses using Satan’s name? They say hell, but that’s only a place and doesn’t count.
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Hey, you clarified my theology. I didn’t know He was divorced.
LOL “Heavens To Betsy!”
Angel Food Cake.
You should do stand-up, S.
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you are so hilariously funny……laughed and laughed…how do you do it?
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Reblogged this on theowlladyblog.
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Now here’s something to smack a smile on someone!
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Can’t think of a better being to be stalked by. =)
Send Him my way.
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I loved this! Made my morning. And I read through the whole post. Amusing, fun, and just plain ole enjoyable. Thank you for sharing! Blessings 🙂
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Thank you ever so kindly for taking the time to read a rather lengthy piece and commenting! My other humor pieces are definitely shorter.
Have a great wknd,
Stephanie
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My pleasure.Glad I saw it reblogged from someone I follow on my blog. I will have to come back and visit to read some more. You do the same 🙂
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Very cute! Thanks for bringing smiles to our Friday!
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No… Thank YOU for reading a stranger’s piece and commenting! Much appreciated!
Stephanie
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I thoroughly enjoyed that! Love the spirit in You!
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Aw, that’s very sweet…. Thank you!
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there’s a clean joke and a silly joke: pick one
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I usually go for silly over clean…. Waiting with baited breath!
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We need more standup Christian comedians and you should go on tour! Your humor is laced with so much truth as well as exhortation. Well done! Loved it! Blessings,
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That’s quite kind of you. Only issues with a Christian Comedy tour are I am VERY shy, I’m afraid to fly, and I am actually Jewish. Lol. But I truly appreciate your complimenting my humor writing and taking the time to read a lengthy piece from someone you didn’t know!
Have a blessed weekend,
Stephanie
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Well, that’s a joke in itself, isn’t it? LOL! I shared an apartment with four Jewish friends in college and loved it! I’m surprised you’re shy, couldn’t tell from the post, that’s for sure. Yes, this post is classic, thanks for replying and you’ve found another follower. 🙂 Blessings,
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Wonderful!
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Thank you kindly!
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Reblogged this on Cristian Mihai.
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🙂 if there were to be a list of top 10 people/beings anyone would wish to be stalked by it would be God at #1- or maybe #2 after George Clooney pre his engagement. And thank God, no pun intended that it would be an earthly match and not a dead one. You are one funny lady, Stephanie!
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Miss Menopause……I think you have a twisted mind…..a brilliant mind…..god told me to tell you that….I’m his “wing” man.
love,
angEL
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Too cute! You are so clever. I needed a good laugh. Thank you.
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It’s nice to see that God is embracing the world of technology…Maybe he’ll be able to form his own technical support department sometime, as my struggles with nearly anything electronic tend to baffle even the most expert techies. Honestly though, it’s quite an interesting topic you bring to light. After all, there are so many impersonators out there anymore. Sorry it didn’t work out for you two, but he sounds like a really busy guy. I think there are still some good fish left in the sea that would stick by your side, come hell or high water. Lovely post!
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Have you met Facebook God? He is my fave sometimes I wonder if he is the real God!
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Almighty – alrighty … I like that. Could have been used in Dogma (but they haven’t used it, so it’s their loss). I hope things work out for you and (G)odd. Ask him if he’s seen the film Odd Thomas.
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I’m too tired for a rip roaring laugh right now, but you’re sure to provoke one in the morning. I love these posts of yours that roll along with plays on words in a theme that really works. Starting off with the vacuum cleaner was a fabulous laugh.
This is a great parody on social media. I suggest that you consider adding that as a tag.
The SendToGod.com website was a maz ing. I can see a bunch of friends hanging out at a bar, throwing ideas around for updating their website. They draw up new widgets and headers and categories, but nothing saves their blog until they decide it should be born again.
Say goodnight, Gracie.
Good night.
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I learned my lesson also. No more reading your blog with a bologna sandwich wedged between my cheek and gums. That stuff just ruins your keyboard when you guffaw. Enjoyed it immensely.
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hahah 🙂
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Wonderfully humorous, it is clear you are blessed. Loved the Holy Smokes expression. Certainly out of the box. I liked it very much. You certainly have a gift. You are a gift.
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Another great column! Thanks for bringing laughter to so many of us, Stephanie. Lord knows we need it!
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I am honored to hear from you in the comments section today. Thank you!
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I laughed myself silly – wish I had a witty response! But thanks so much for the fun this morning.
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NO….thank YOU for stopping by and taking the time to bring me some joy!
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I started to read this on my tablet – and said, wait until morning and the desktop. MUCH better!
Now, please excuse me, I have to wipe coffee from my monitor. “He was not “Almighty.” He was only just sorta, “Alrighty.” “
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Didn’t we once invent something for this monitor smear issue? lol And once again, you have the absolute clarity and precision to zero in on my very favorite line of the whole post. It’s like we share a brain.
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Don’t know what it is, Stephanie… but the best ones just jump off the screen!!
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Oh…My…Godd! I assume he only had 12 Followers on WordPress?
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ha – – you clever girl, you!!
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That’s very interesting how big of a reaction he’s gotten. I submitted a message, I felt kind of silly doing so but I figured. Why not, right?
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I submitted one too! And of course I went there seeing if I could recognize yours but nothing identifiable stuck out for me….lol.
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Haha It’s still there I figured it would have been bumped out by now. It’s at: 04 May 2014 00:15 PDT 🙂
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He didn’t promise you a tour of the Holy of Holies? Bugger that ugh!
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No – – he didn’t even promise me a second date!
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For some reasons there wasn’t a title or picture in the reader, but it came up just fine once I opened everything.
I laughed so hard I almost fell out of my chair…quite a feat when you’re trying to laugh silently so as not to wake up the monkey! I especially liked the ‘math teacher’ bit…I teach but not math!
Of course, I don’t think it can technically be stalking since God is everywhere all at once so He would already be where you’re headed. 😉
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So great to have you here today! And you are so right – – he cannot stalk me at all, can he? It would have to be the reverse. Hmmmmmmm. So would I get a restraining order for stalking God?
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I love it when I catch your posts 😀
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I don’t think God would use the legal system..He could probably just restrain
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I bet he posted his graven image from high school.
Jeez.
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Heya…. Do you think you could tell me if this post showed up normally in your reader? It seems to me that it showed up without a title or a picture?
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I follow via email.
This what showed in my reader (no pics):
God has been stalking me. Online. Now mind you, I think it could possibly be a God Fraud, (He spells his name Godd) but I still find it enormously flattering.
805 MORE WORDS
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But I just scrolled down, and the rest of your posts do show titles and pics.
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Thanks so much – – I don’t know why this post doesn’t show the cloud photo and the title. But I can tell it’s causing people not to click on it from their readers….super low stats today. 😦 Again, thanks for the check-up for me.
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A whole bunch of people have noticed their stats have been down lately.
But hey, that just means I have the whole place to myself!
*drapes self across three seats*
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My email on the computer showed the pictures and everything. Just in case you were wondering about that too. 🙂
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Thank you so very much, Jennifer! I posted it in a format that supposedly only supports “snippets” or “asides” according to a WordPress tech person. And there’s no way to fix it. Oh well. I do appreciate all your feedback, ALWAYS!!
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