OMG! God Is Everywhere. . . Online!


photo-351It’s a full moon and God has been stalking me.  Online.   Now mind you, I think it could possibly be a God Fraud, (He spells his name Godd) but I still find it enormously flattering and will NOT get a restraining order.   It all started when I couldn’t resist clicking on the “See Who Viewed You Recently,” button on “Linked In.”  And there he was!

Godd’s Profile on LinkedIn

PROFESSIONS:

1.  Vacuum Salesman  (Cleanliness Is Next To Godliness?)

2.  Detective/Investigator (God Works in Mysterious Ways?)

3.  Atlas Van Lines (God Can Move Heaven AND Earth?)

4.  Beef Industry (Holy Cow!)

5.  Math Teacher (Your Numbers Up!)

He also endorsed me for Writing Poetry, Building Toothpick Sculptures and Cooking Meatloaf Shaped like a Heart.  How on earth did Godd ever know that??

The next thing I knew, Godd sent me a Friend Request on Facebook!!  For Heaven’s sake!

So I checked him out there, too….

Godd’s Profile on Facebook

Divorced From:  Betsy   (Heavens To Betsy!)

Children:   Two

Daughter – Marcy  (Lord Have Mercy? – – Typo on Birth Certificate?)

Son – Susej  (Dyslexia?)

Favorite Quote:  “There, but for the Grace of God, Go I.”

Favorite Food:  Angel Food Cake

Favorite Song:  “My Sweet Lord” (George Harrison)  and “God Only Knows” (The Beach Boys)

Favorite Movie:  All Dogs Go To Heaven

Pet Peeve:  Why do so many people have to sneeze every single minute?

Then to my surprise, I got a notification that Godd had become a Follower of mine right here on WordPress, so I went to peruse his Blog and this is what I saw.

 

“Godd With a Blog”

Where I part the          Red         C         C’s

Godd’s About Page – – This blog is for all my creations made in my own image.  I am all places at all times, all knowing and all powerful.   I command you to follow thee.

 

COMMENTS  (3)

 

photo-192 Wow.   You’ve really got a God complex.  Good luck with that, buddy!

 

 

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Thanks for liking my most recent post on Tablets.  You did understand that they were electronic, right?  Just checking because the advice to smash them was confusing? At any rate, it will be nice to have an omniscient narrator around.

 

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I really like the theme of your blog.  Maybe you could write an updated list of the Ten Plagues?  Cuz Lice?  Really?

Then suddenly I got a Wink from Godd at Match.Com.  Of course I just had to view him there.

Godd’s Profile on Match.Com

 

Hi!  Thank you for considering me.  Though I’m not tall, dark and handsome, I count my blessings that I don’t look like George Burns.  But the good news is – –  YOU needn’t have the face of an Angel either.  Just be a good person.  I would describe my personality as follows:   Wise (Proverbs 3:19; Romans 16:26-27) Righteous and Just (Deuteronomy 32:4; Psalm 11:7; Psalm 119:137) and Gracious (Exodus 34:6).

I have just a few rules I would like for my Perfect Match to follow, well there’s Ten really.  Be warned:  There could be Hell to pay if you don’t abide by them.  But we can talk about that on our first date.  And Holy Smokes, please be a non-smoker! As for what we’ll do together?  For G-d’s sake, please leave that in My Hands, too.  I have a Grand Plan.  But we won’t be going to hell in a handbasket, I can promise you that.

My hobbies are Walking on Water, Burning Bushes, Raising Hell and when it Freezes Over, I Pave the road to it with good intentions. I also enjoy keeping busy with arts and crafts because idle hands are the devil’s workshop. What am I looking for in a mate?  Just please don’t have a fiery temper like my last girlfriend – – Hell have no fury like a woman scorned.

After all of this, I thought we might be fairly compatible so I poked Godd and then gave him my phone number.  I even mentioned I was excited to meet him with a few exclamation points.   I got this text back from him:

No OMG’s pls.

That was followed by another message, which made me think he might be the jealous type.

i  m only 1 4 u. seriously! no 1 b4 me.

We set up a time/place to meet and I must say at first I was rather disappointed.   As is usual for these dating sites,  Godd did not resemble his image at all.  They must not have been recent pics.  And he had a little paunch.  I betcha he snored, too.

But then Godd confessed.   He was not  “Almighty.”  He was only just sorta, “Alrighty.”  It seems he wasn’t getting any responses to his ordinary profiles when he had put down his true description of, “Odd”  – –  so one day he added the “G” just for fun.   The results had been life-changing.   He immediately felt like God’s Gift to Women.

I was actually relieved.  The original way was just far too much pressure.  But now . . . well my being “Quirky” and him being “Odd” seemed like it could work.  I mean we could possibly be a match.  Just not a match made in heaven, of course.

If you want to send a message to G-d, you can do so by clicking  HERE

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/moon/

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

59 thoughts on “OMG! God Is Everywhere. . . Online!”

    • Yep your god is my god—OMG I’m starting to write like Cecile B. DeMille! Stephanie I believe that you captured every angle when it came to god, like I tried to do with Death. God help us!

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  2. Cleverly done! I chuckled all the way through.
    God does have a sense of humor so even He probably chuckled, except for the first 3 letters. He sees nothing funny about taking His name in vain. Have you ever noticed no one cusses using Satan’s name? They say hell, but that’s only a place and doesn’t count.

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    • That’s quite kind of you. Only issues with a Christian Comedy tour are I am VERY shy, I’m afraid to fly, and I am actually Jewish. Lol. But I truly appreciate your complimenting my humor writing and taking the time to read a lengthy piece from someone you didn’t know!
      Have a blessed weekend,
      Stephanie

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  15. 🙂 if there were to be a list of top 10 people/beings anyone would wish to be stalked by it would be God at #1- or maybe #2 after George Clooney pre his engagement. And thank God, no pun intended that it would be an earthly match and not a dead one. You are one funny lady, Stephanie!

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  18. It’s nice to see that God is embracing the world of technology…Maybe he’ll be able to form his own technical support department sometime, as my struggles with nearly anything electronic tend to baffle even the most expert techies. Honestly though, it’s quite an interesting topic you bring to light. After all, there are so many impersonators out there anymore. Sorry it didn’t work out for you two, but he sounds like a really busy guy. I think there are still some good fish left in the sea that would stick by your side, come hell or high water. Lovely post!

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  20. Almighty – alrighty … I like that. Could have been used in Dogma (but they haven’t used it, so it’s their loss). I hope things work out for you and (G)odd. Ask him if he’s seen the film Odd Thomas.

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  21. I’m too tired for a rip roaring laugh right now, but you’re sure to provoke one in the morning. I love these posts of yours that roll along with plays on words in a theme that really works. Starting off with the vacuum cleaner was a fabulous laugh.

    This is a great parody on social media. I suggest that you consider adding that as a tag.

    The SendToGod.com website was a maz ing. I can see a bunch of friends hanging out at a bar, throwing ideas around for updating their website. They draw up new widgets and headers and categories, but nothing saves their blog until they decide it should be born again.

    Say goodnight, Gracie.
    Good night.

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  22. I learned my lesson also. No more reading your blog with a bologna sandwich wedged between my cheek and gums. That stuff just ruins your keyboard when you guffaw. Enjoyed it immensely.

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  24. Wonderfully humorous, it is clear you are blessed. Loved the Holy Smokes expression. Certainly out of the box. I liked it very much. You certainly have a gift. You are a gift.

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  27. I started to read this on my tablet – and said, wait until morning and the desktop. MUCH better!
    Now, please excuse me, I have to wipe coffee from my monitor. “He was not “Almighty.” He was only just sorta, “Alrighty.” “

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  31. For some reasons there wasn’t a title or picture in the reader, but it came up just fine once I opened everything.
    I laughed so hard I almost fell out of my chair…quite a feat when you’re trying to laugh silently so as not to wake up the monkey! I especially liked the ‘math teacher’ bit…I teach but not math!
    Of course, I don’t think it can technically be stalking since God is everywhere all at once so He would already be where you’re headed. 😉

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