This Text Has Me Vexed And Perplexed!

photo-382A few weeks ago, I let you have a glimpse into the email box of a 50 year old woman – – Me!   It wasn’t pretty.  So I decided that revealing my texts from this past week couldn’t be any worse.  Disclaimer:  I deleted all my complex Sext Texts rejects to this guy, Rex (you should see him flex his Pecs!) so I wouldn’t lose your respects.

Forget Vexing & Perplexing!?  Where is My Sextng?!

 

1.  We’ll start with my 16 year old – – needs no further explanation.

photo 5-1

photo 1

 

2.  My Ex-Husband is still trying to move on.  I once wrote a dating profile for him right here.

 

photo-23

 

 3.  My 21 year-old son 

photo 5

 

4.  In the middle of all this, I had a thoroughly delightful conversation with my younger kid’s teacher.

photo 2

 

5.  And then my own mother. . . she’s 72.  Oh, and we’re Jewish.  Need I say more?

photo 4-1

 

6.  So of course I had to do the right thing.  Hmmph.

photo 3

 

7.  Naturally my “friend” Tiffany gave me lots of “empathy.”  You can read more about Tiffany HERE.

photo 3-1

 

8.   And the other 21 year-old son now.  (Yep, twins)

photo 4

 

9.   My own Mother once again texted (obviously recovered enough to get out and about) so I decided “if I can’t beat ’em, then I would join ’em!”

photo 1-1

10.  And I’ll close with another text between my teenage daughter (miraculously not about shopping) – –  I initiated it this time!

photo 2-1

 

 

So there you have it – – My Racy Text Life.  And how’s yours these days???

 

 

Advertisements

A Parody with Pecularity and a Little Familiarity!

Last night, a Candlestick didn't sing to me, but my Writing Equipment did croon a little tune.  Sorry Disney!!

Last night, a Candlestick didn’t sing to me, but my Writing Equipment did croon a little tune. Sorry Disney!!

“Be Freshly Pressed!”

(To the Tune of “Be Our Guest!”)

Ball Point Pen (melodically)

Be Freshly Pressed, Freshly Pressed,
don’t be nervous, it’s not a test,
Just have a catchy title, Cherie
and a hook that’s been finessed.

Scoop du jour! It’s not your nerves,
Wordpress Daily Prompts have tricky curves.
I write the Play stuff, it’s fictitious,
Don’t believe me? You’re suspicious.
I can pun, I have fun, I hit publish when I’m done,
After all, a post can never be too over-spun.
As a blogger, it’s not good to be second best
So go on, use my drop-down menu,
Take a glance, and then you’ll….
Stay abreast
With how I’ve professed
To sleep at my desk, till you’re Freshly Pressed.

Desk Lamp (solo spotlight)

Cliched Clams!
Quotation Quiche!
Dry but Juicy Hacked Hashish!
Shut up! – –  we’re not here to overeat.
Don’t you know we have a quota to meet?

Computer (harmony)

With Other Bloggers, don’t compare,
But Yes, they do have better flair!
Writer’s Block!  Now you’re scared!
It’s just your souls about to be bared.
Everyone’s gloomy and complaining,
‘Cuz all your Readers expect entertaining…
So I write jokes, post good pics,
With my fellow literary chicks.

Keyboard & Mouse (duet)

And it’s all in questionable taste, that you can bet!
Come on and get off your ass,
You’ve won your own free pass, to Be Freshly Pressed.
If you’re stressed….
It’s mass Googling we suggest!

All Equipment (Crescendo Together)

You’ve confessed, You’re possessed,
You’ll even write about your big breasts
Get your worries off your chest.
Let us say for your next post…
try giving a recipe for French Toast.
Try some poems, try a quote,
Now go home and edit what you just wrote!
It’s a chore, but don’t be a wallower…
Don’t believe me? Ask your one Follower.
Singing sentences, dancing words,
Yes your writings for the birds.
How could anyone be gloomy or depressed?
We’ll make you shout encore,
Writing shouldn’t be a chore…
So don’t get obsessed, just make a small request
To be Freshly Pressed. Freshly Pressed!

Mrs. Plots (warbles)mrs potts

I’m aghast – – feeling harassed,
Sakes alive, you’re plagiarizing fast!
Words are pouring, and it’s not boring
Soon the adoring has your Stats soaring….
With the climax, they’ll want tea,
And my dear, that’s fine with me.
While this parody has some clarity,
there’s no hilarity or sincerity,
So any popularity will just be charity,
But you could throw in some vulgarity!

Yes! Write some porn! Be piping hot!
Heaven’s sakes! Perish that thought!
You little Tart, that’s not called Art!
Clean it up! You could write about your thyroid – – it’s gone hypo.
We’ve got a lot to do, so please avoid another typo!

Do you take one lump or two?
(Meaning the “likes” you get will be few.)
But if you tell all your blog guests
They’re just the best, to be able to digest
All your crap without their protest.
Then along the way, you might (yes, you just may!)

Be Freshly Pressed!  Freshly Pressed!!   Yes, you’ll Be FRESHLY  PRESSED!!!

(And now we turn the record over to play the lesser known “throwaway” song on the other side of the 45)

“Stop Blogging My ART Around”

image(To the Tune of “Stop Dragging My Heart Around” by Tom Petty and Stevie Nicks)

 

Blogger, you’ll come flocking onto my website,
Ignoring those banners ’bout my copyright.
I said ya, well
I know just what I’m gonna do…
You post my stuff without permission, just to get another view.

So you’ve had a little trouble with a noun.
Now you’re downloading my images around.
Stop bloggin’ my
Stop bloggin’ my
Stop bloggin’ my Art around.

It’s hard to think about what you’ve done.
When all you think about is Number One.
This is gonna be the big get even…
Cuttin’ n pastin’ is akin to thievin’

I know you really wanna give cartoons a whirl…
But you really shoulda picked a different URL.

Blogger, you could never look me in the eye,
You think the price for Clip Art is much too high….
Stop bloggin’ my
Stop bloggin ‘ my
Stop bloggin ‘ my art around!

[Instrumental Interlude while we Bloggers Sweat Bullets]

Crazy Writers runnin’ round loose online…
Ain’t got nothin’ much better to do.
Thinkin’ you’re too unknown for a big ole fine.
Well think again, cuz Baby Blogger, I’m gonna sue!

I know you really want to tell me goodbye,
Penalties are stiff because you should comply.

Stop bloggin’ my
Stop bloggin’ my
Stop bloggin’ my Art around!!

 

This was my entry for this week’s writing challenge where you are supposed to rewrite a song.  My “normal” Quirky blog to return soon! And special thanks to Bumblepuppies for suggesting that “Stop Dragging My Heart Around” would be a song with some good potential. Visit him HERE.

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_writing_challenge/to-the-tune-of/

“Is That Even a Thing?” (How To Talk Young Even if You’re Not!)

photo-379“Oh, it’s definitely a thing.”  The first time I heard that, I thought Tiffany, my flirtatious neighbor, was talking about an affair she started with our mailman. Seemed plausible – –  a while ago she confessed she had “a thing” for him ever since he delivered a large package.  Turns out casually remarking,”it’s a thing” has nothing to do with attraction or having sex.  It’s a way of reporting that something is now extremely popular – – a big fad.  In this case, she was confirming that you can order crazy sounding drinks off  a secret menu at Starbucks.     However if it’s such a secret, how can it be so widespread??

“No,”  I retorted to 45-year old Tiffany, who obviously thought she was so young and “with it,” she even changed her name from Theresa.  “You can DO your OWN thing.  Or drink Coca Cola.  It’s the REAL thing.   But nothing at Starbucks can be called a thing.”  She looked at me like I wore bell-bottoms and rode a bike with happy-face stickers on my banana seat.  (I used to!)  And lemme just say that I so rocked that look.

Would you still date me if I dated myself by riding this bike?

Would you still date me if I dated myself by riding this bike?

So I decided to let her know I could use the word “Thing” and be just as far-out as she was.  “Wild Thing….you make my heart sing….”  I crooned.  She stared in a mind-bending kinda way and then said, “Seriously?”

That’s when I knew I should probably brush up on my slang and talk  “hip” in such a way that nobody would ever think I could be referring to my grandmother’s serious injury if she were to fall down the stairs.  God forbid.

Miss Menopause’s Guide To Trendy Talk

(Check it out!  Hint:  That doesn’t mean you need to head to your local library.)

1.  When sitting at a red light that finally turns green, gun your motor, roll down your window to the driver next to you and yell, “We’re good to go!”  Speaking of revving motors, when (or if!) you finally feel aroused enough by your partner – – you can also excitedly whisper, “I’m good to go.”  This is more of a turn-on than pulling out little green flag from under your pillow, waving it and shouting, “Let’s do this!”  But never say any of this  during PDF.  If you don’t know that acronym, you’re beyond my help.

2.  Ever wonder what to say in a quiet elevator?  “How are you today?  Oh fine, thank you. And you?”  Meh.  So passe! (Did you catch that cool “Meh” I just threw in there?  Make good note of that one little word  You’ll see it later on.)  But seriously, as an alternative to finding out how everyone (standing in a crowded, claustrophobic, motorized little box with no place to look but the thing that tells you what floor you’re on, even though there’s only two floors) is doing today – –  just exclaim, while pointing, “Hey! I’m good.  You’re good.  He’s good.  She’s good.  We’re good.  It’s all good.  No worries!”   Note:  Nobody says “Hi” or “Hello” anymore.  For this to come off totally radical, you must start it off by saying, “Hey!”  Also, if you can sing the preceding dialogue, sort of like the old Dr. Pepper commercial, “I’m a Pepper, She’s a Pepper, He’s a Pepper, They’re a Pepper, Cher’s a Pepper, Tony Orlando’s a Pepper” (you get the idea) then you’re one step ahead of the trend!

Would you be the most "boss" in this elevator?

Would you be the most “boss” in this elevator?

3.  After you’re done conducting yourself as elaborately outlined in step #2 above, look down and just barely perceptibly, under your breath, utter the word, “Awkward!”

4.  Here’s a great way to combine two “in” words together into one sentence.   1.  Swag  and   2. Sketch   ~  This works best with artsy, interior designer types.  “Hey!  I just hung some new Swag Drapes.  Wanna come over and Sketch them?”  Have Arizona brand iced-tea ready.

5.  Remember The Twilight Zone?  (My fave episode – – the little girl who fell into her wall)  Well, nowadays you gotta work “In the Zone” into your vocabulary as much as possible.  We’re not talkin’ exploring different time zones and we’re not talkin’ football player end zones.  We’re talkin,’  “I’m totally Zoned Out, man.”  (Note:  Remember to always say, “We’re talkin'” when you’re speaking, just in case they don’t know there’s some totally sweet language coming out of your mouth.)  And now Miss Menopause is going to up your “Righteous, Rad Ratio” so you’ll always be in the Zen Zone.  Say this when someone asks you to do something you’re uncomfortable with (like reblogging this post for instance)  “Gee, I wish I could, but that’s outside of my Comfort Zone.”  Then turn around and tell the guy you just slept with last week, “Sorry Dude.  You’ve just been Friend-Zoned.”  Final Note:  Calling females “Dude” is beyond “Hip.”  Yes, my grandma is still doing fine, thank you.

6.  And now all you athletic types.  Do you bowl?  Play Bocce ball?  After you take your turn, suavely announce, “That’s just how I roll.”  If you’re not into sports, sit back, wrap up a joint of marijuana and state the same thing.

7.  Wanna really be thought of as young?  Start making even more mistakes than normal while proclaiming, “Oops….My Bad.”  You’ll be forgiven every time (without ever saying you’re sorry) – – no matter how severe your menopausal Brain Fog is.

8.  YOLO  =  You Only Live Once.   This is far too simplistic.  Whoever thought it up clearly wasn’t into creative acronyms.  Start some new lingo by shouting, YOLOBOLOPOLO  (You Only Live Once, But Offering Lovers Orgasms Pleases Old Lonely Organizers.” You’ll be especially welcomed, if you shriek this loudly in swimming pools whilst playing, “Marco Polo.”

9.  Here’s how to place your order in that chic new cafe, “I’ll have some Cool Beans smothered in Awesomesauce and make em’ Smokin!”

10.  Randomly mutter the word, “Random.”  This needs zero explanation.  Just do it.  (That’s Nike talk!)

Okay!  There you have it.  I’m even going to give you a little guide to leaving the sickest, baddest, (that means they’ll be good!) comments.

You can comment with the following:

a) Meh.  I am so over it.

b)  I’m down!

c)  I’ll give it a try.  But first….lemme take a Selfie.

BTW, You can comment with other things, too.  And I really hope you will.  So just Chillax!

She's not a Dudette.  She's still a Dude.  But she does need a chill-pill.  You're catching on!

She’s not a Dudette. She’s still a Dude. But she does need a chill-pill. You’re catching on!