An Open (Mopin’, Copin’, Gropin’ & Hopin’) Letter to the Internet:


To My Dearest Internet . . .

To My Dearest Internet . . .

Dear Internet,

Some days you’re a treasure I’d never replace – –  just wanna send you a Cyber Hug.

Other days, you’re nothing but a huge disgrace  – – just wanna pull your darn plug.

Without you, I wouldn’t have found a website to meet the Man of My Dreams,

Or discovered that Organic Farm Raised salmon isn’t always what it seems.

Farm raised or Wild? The Internet has the scoop on which is worse for you! Oh and google, "blackened lemons" you'll be outraged at what that does to your health!

Farm-Raised or Wild? The Internet has the scoop on which is worse for you! Oh and google, “blackened lemons” you’ll be outraged at what that does to your health!

Thank goodness you give me the opportunity to cleverly Google. . .

“How to find free coupons” so I can actually claim to be frugal.

You’re adorable – –  everyday I can see another cute, little kitten,

Or check out WordPress for new great posts *that’ve recently been written.

But when I look up  *“that’ve”  on the online Webster Dictionary,

to make sure it’s a true contraction, I find out it’s purely *Fictionary!

Oh wait, there’s more! I search and find  *“Fictionary”  is also not a real word?

You’re wasting my time with all this obsessive checking, it’s totally absurd!

But thanks for letting me bank, shop, and rent movies with a click – – so convenient.

Until lotsa time gets wasted when your Password Prompts aren’t very lenient.

The name of my first pet? First boyfriend? First Pimp? Which town did I go to school in?

No, you didn’t really ask me the Pimp question, I confess I was sorta just foolin’!

And you SHOULD Remember them. But how?? Who was my first boyfriend anyway? The boy I passed notes to? The boy I hit? The boy I kissed? The boy I . . . ?

And you SHOULD Remember them. But how?? Who was my first boyfriend anyway? The boy I passed notes to? The boy I hit? The boy I kissed? The boy I . . . ?

But then you eagerly insist I type some odd code to prove I’m a real person,

A string of nonsense so hard to decipher, my disdain for you starts to worsen.

Why do you need my information to be so secure, so precise and so exact?

I found out the other day, it’s because people like me tend to get hacked!

Go ahead – – mess up my accounts, my Facebook, blogs, & email – – there’s nothing left,

Before the invention of you, Dear Internet, there wasn’t this much Identity Theft!

Well if they become me, they’ll get my poor memory, my big hair, plus six kids galore,

Come to think of it, even I don’t really desire to be Me anymore!!

But one things for sure, you need to stop making everything be about sex,

In that way, Dear Internet –  –  you actually remind me an awful lot of my Ex.

We can filter our drinking water, our swimming pools, our coffee, and an aquarium. But can we filter out S-E-X ??

We can filter our drinking water, our swimming pools, our coffee, and an aquarium. But can we filter out S-E-X  from the Internet??

My Ex loved computers and when we divorced, shortly after his move-out evacuation. . .

I inherited his Apple before I knew how to use it – – I call it “Premature iMaculation.”

“Hey! This is Little Miss Menopause’s Ex-husband chiming in, none of this is true,

It seems she writes whatever she wants about me, and her Followers have no clue!”

See Dear Internet?  Even a simple poem that I compose for you is subject to a hijacking.

If I were smarter, I would write on a typewriter – – and just like my Ex, send you packing!

Well it looks as though (at least for the foreseeable future) you’re staying a big part of my life,

But no more Info about Cleaning, Recipes for Dinner, and Sex – – I am sooo NOT your Wife!!

 

Disclaimer:  “Man of Dreams” and “Ex Husband” mentioned without their permission.  They comment here regularly.  Please visit their WordPress blogs as way of compensation for “good-natured” participation.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

53 thoughts on “An Open (Mopin’, Copin’, Gropin’ & Hopin’) Letter to the Internet:”

  4. Holy crappoli, how witty!! (ok, yeah, I’m making up words now).. What can I say? You inspire me! How can anyone not be inspired with ‘premature iMaculation’??? Excellent!

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  7. Brilliant rhyme this time and had I not been smothered in email I’d of read this quicker than a snail. Reading this is one of my days highlights. I’m certainly glad to hear that your surfing of sites led you to the man of your dreams, and you didn’t get hacked with male order schemes.

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  8. Awesome fun- and wonderful truths. I feel like I’d be 30% more productive if the internet didn’t exist. Then again, all the rapid technology makes me way more productive than when I had to look up words in an actual dictionary and go to the library to research stuff and scroll through the card catalog cabinets. So maybe I’m not doing too badly. One of my faves of yours to date, Stephanie!

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  9. Stephanie = I need a line/copy editor to go over my book one more time (it’s pretty clean as it’s been edited and line edited already). Do you know of anyone or would you be interested and/or willing to do it? I want to get it done quickly and efficiently before it moves on to the next stages of production. Thoughts? (See how much I trust you?)

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      • Not to worry dear one (although I do so appreciate your thinking fast). I’ve decided to continue the line editing with Balboa to establish consistency with their protocol. This way they have the responsibility too. It’s easier and quicker all around.

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  10. I’m still at the love-is-blind stage with the internet. Please don’t burst my happiness bubble. This is true love and can’t possibly go wrong or be bad for me …. right?! 😉

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  15. I was impressed by “Fictionary” A word that should be.
    I had my identity stolen. I didn’t know it for a month.
    I found out when my credit score improved, I had more money in the bank and my popularity grew on the internet.
    They returned my identity saying it was too much work to make it usable.
    Good rhymes, funny post.

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    • I know, right? Fictionary – – a word that makes perfect sense and the only thing I could think of to rhyme with dictionary. Pictionary is so overused. Hmmmph. What is this world coming to?

      I am sorry you had your identity stolen, unless you just made that part up to lead into your funny last line?

      Thanks, as always for reading, Tom!

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  17. Little Miss Menopause, this is the Internet speaking. Listen up, and listen good. I expect an apology. And I’d better get one fast. Otherwise you may not exist at all. I have your ip address and I know how to make your bank accounts, your wordpress posts and anything else disappear. You may think someone stole your identity. But they haven’t. You simply won’t exist. And if that isn’t enough. The NSA will suddenly find you on their most wanted list. Your worst enemy, The Internet. And when using my name in vain, please say Sir.

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  18. Egads! I’m dizzy here from all the bowing down to you I’m doing!
    Oh, and internet, you’d better listen up, ya hear? Never a truer word said than in jesty* rhyme.
    (*Also not a word – I checked.)

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  19. I had my identity stolen in 1978 when my purse was lifted off the floor of a disco. 10 years later Revenue Canada (equal to the IRS) was knocking at my door asking for back taxes. It took 8 years to sort out. EIGHT YEARS! I’m not sure I’ll have a pension when I retire. Bloody hell.

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  20. Yes, definitely a love hate relationship… and so funny that your ex and current have blogs as well. I must find them. So they write about you as often as you do about them? All good I’m hoping?

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  23. I love it. You have touched on all the things I love and hate about the internet. Yes, as for typing in the characters to prove that I’m a real person? One day I’m going to get one of them wrong. THEN where will that leave me?
    It was even funnier on the second reading.

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