You Rock!


photo-426Myself: 17%
Together: 25%
I gave guidelines:  11%
I gave direct hints: 13%
He surprised me: 34%

What are these statistics for? These are the results of a survey given by The BAA (Bridal Association of America) to recently married females.  The question:  “Who picked out your engagement ring?”

I am focusing on the bottom 34%.  This is NOT directed at couples who decide together to get engaged and then opt to go together to get the woman a ring.  Nope.  I am thinking about that hopeful guy who has gathered up all his courage after a thoughtful shopping trip and then goes the extra mile to propose marriage inside a fortune cookie or on a Jumbotron at a basketball game.

This is also the result of a conversation I overheard today (Warning:  Yes, I AM on the loose in public places, eavesdropping for ideas to write about!) in a Starbucks.  Shall we listen in?

Bride-To-Be:  Just look at this pathetic ring.

Friend:  I can’t. I left my magnifying glass at home.

Bride-To-Be:  OMG — How can I ever put this on Facebook?  Doesn’t he know he’s supposed to spend at least three months of his salary?

Friend:  Maybe he thought that was after taxes?

Bride-To-Be:  Can I say “yes” to his proposal of marriage, but ‘no’ to this ring?

I cannot ignore this poor Bride-To-Be  (and others like her) in her time of need.  But first a guide to preventing this in the first place.

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Who remembers this episode? “Only a real diamond will cut a glass window!”

HOW TO GET THE RING YOU DESERVE AND STILL BE SURPRISED

Drop hints with food:  1.  When you order fish in a restaurant, bypass the shrimp on the menu by looking coy (not Koi!)  and exclaiming, “I think size really does matter, don’t you?” (Expect this to carry over into the bedroom that night)  2.  Consistently munch on two or three whole carrots whenever you’re in his presence. 3.  Keep digging through boxes of Crackerjacks, remarking that you can’t wait for the ‘prize.’

The Letter C:  Tell him how important you think the 4 C’s are  (and not Caviar, Cars, Children, and Chutney!)

Marilyn:  Dye your hair platinum and sing verses like, “A kiss on the hand may be quite continental!  A kiss may be grand but it won’t pay the rental.”

Names:  Tell him your parents almost named you Tiffany. And that he looks like a Harry Winston.

Movies, Television & Music:  1.  Keep renting the James Bond film,  “Diamonds Are Forever.”  2.  Rewind the Cave of Wonders scene in Aladdin where Jafar calls him a “Diamond in the rough.” 3.  Cheer and applaud every time Charlie Brown mutters, “I got a rock.” 4.  Sing anything by Neil Diamond (except “You Don’t Bring Me Flowers Anymore” which will cause him to pull roses from a neighbor’s garden.

Symbolic:  Explain that you believe the size and quality of a diamond represents the depth and strength of your committment, not to mention that it will be interpreted as a measure of his success in other people’s eyes. Does he really think it’s a coincidence that “ring” rhymes with “bling?”

Fidelity:  The larger the diamond, the more visual a “Stay away” sign sent to other men.  And the larger a reminder for you not to flirt — Otherwise you might forget and he wouldn’t want that.

Aging:  Don’t hesitate to add that if it’s too small, you will be forever squinting to see it — and that will cause wrinkles.

Telephone:  Instead of telling him to call you later, ask him to “give you a ring.”

Cubic Zirconia:  Tell him how romantic it would be for him to propose with a “placeholder” ring. And then once you say “yes” you can go shop together for the real diamond ring.  Awwww.

Sports:  Take a sudden interest in baseball Diamonds and boxing Rings.

If None of This Works and He Proposes With a Ring You Don’t Like:

Get a pink satin jacket, bob your hair, and wear the ring on a chain around your neck, claiming you’re a product of the 1950’s.

Tell him you’re highly allergic and break out in a rash with any diamond under a full two carats.

Explain that the ring didn’t fit but when you took it in to be resized, the jeweler dropped it down into a floor heater grate.

First make sure he’s not an I Love Lucy fan.  Next, tell him the ring slipped off and fell into a bucket of mortar.  Now it’s somewhere inside a brick BBQ that you were building with your friend Ethel.

Tell him you are superstitious and if a woman permits another woman to try on her engagement ring, the other woman will steal the heart of her betrothed.  Whom did you let try on your ring?  Your mother.

You take your Beatles very seriously and while listening to “Lucy in the Sky w/ Diamonds, your ring flew away, attached to a kite.

Or just do him a huge favor and try the honest approach. Say this:  “I want a large diamond to compensate for the fact that I have a very small heart. If you can’t understand why this issue would be so important, maybe you should find a girl that doesn’t care about such things.”

He will get down on one bended knee to thank you.

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Lucy didn’t care about her the size of her ring – – she just wanted the original one back for sentimental reasons.

53 thoughts on “You Rock!”

  1. Pingback: Women Who Wear Wedding Rings So They Won’t Get Hit On (And the men who take theirs off to hit on them!) | Once Upon Your Prime

  2. Pingback: Featured Fridays — maggiesblog0019 | Nonsense & Shenanigans

  3. Absolutely hilarious and so true! While I would love a ring that weighs down my whole left side as much as the next girl, being picky about a ring or dropping hints is kind of ridiculous and rude. You should google “what your wedding ring says about you,” I almost guarantee there will be like a million articles of this sort.

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  4. I have the solution to this problem—-the bride-to-be should pick out the exact ring she likes, show it to her fiancé and then leave it at that. He can “surprise” her with it at some point. It worked for me…..

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  5. This is PERFECT. I confess – I left open 4C webpages and print-outs here and there. I’m a sneaky little bunny I am.
    But very rock-happy 🙂
    A woman’s gotta do what she gotta do!

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  6. I love this!! My husband proposed with his grandmother’s ring. It was very pretty. But then he bought me one of my own a few months later for because his grandmother didn’t support our marriage. We were only 19/20 at the time so he didn’t have much money but I loved the ring because he picked it out. He got me a bigger one on our 3rd anniversary, still modest but still lovely. He knows I’m not flashy and I don’t really care about material things. He could have proposed with a bead on a string and I would have said yes.

    Love this quote!
    Or just do him a huge favor and try the honest approach. Say this: “I want a large diamond to compensate for the fact that I have a very small heart. If you can’t understand why this issue would be so important, maybe you should find a girl that doesn’t care about such things.”

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  8. Oooh, I hope this means I have a big heart…I have no idea how many carats my ring is (or more likely what fraction of a carat), and I’ve had it for over seventeen years. I guess bling ain’t my thing!

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  9. Haha, I’m picturing a situation where women do a ring swap. Forever engaged until you get the ring you want. 😉 So interesting, it shouldn’t be something that “matters”… but it does at the same time.

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  10. LOL. It’s so true. Size -ahem- and sparkle shouldn’t matter- but it kinda does. As someone who recently was taken ring shopping, I must say I was surprised at how much I was drawn to the bigger bling. Humor in truth lady you are, Stephanie!

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  11. Great ‘hints’! And do you remember that article on Yahoo a few weeks ago about the size of the ring (or was it price) vis-a-vis the longevity of the relationship? You can’t go too big, nor too small. I believe the sweet spot price was between $500 and 1k…not sure. Don’t ask me for any sociological explanations though. I haven’t thought about it too deeply yet, hehehe….

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  12. Certainly if he doesn’t get the hints you can be subtle and talk to his mother, oy unless he Jewish. Because then the entire neighborhood would know in excruciating detail. Or perhaps when he asks the question you just don’t say anything . . . then hide it under your pillow and wait for the ring fairy.

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  13. I say go together and pick out the damn thing yourself. I also think that easily half of those women were lying. Your boyfriend (if he knows what’s good for him) doesn’t just buy a ring and propose without doing a little digging first. He doesn’t want to be that guy on youtube who gets slapped by his girlfriend in front of the whole mall and the mariachi band. The chic know it’s coming. If she didn’t lay some serious hints, thats on her. Men can’t handle that type of responsibility themselves, they’ll just go to walmart and take whatever the saleslady says is pretty. You’ll be lucky if he knows what size to get. They need hand holding.

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  15. You’ve got me wondering now, Steph…why diamonds? Who was the first to come up with that idea? Caveman excavating a man cave? CLUNK! “Hmmm, what ‘dis? Mary, Mary…” he grunts to a girl gathering berries nearby. “Mary, me…Mary, me…” “Yesssss,” she declares, diving through the air, snatching it from his hand and shoving him into the cave as “Mary, me go hunt with new tool now” dies on his lips. No wonder guys need so many hints! You’ve nailed another one. Hilarious!

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  16. ” Can I say “yes” to his proposal of marriage, but ‘no’ to this ring?” 😀

    *sigh* And I thought True Love conquered all! All except ‘diamond’ rings we don’t like . . . 😦

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  18. I guess I’m kind of lucky that my stepfather owned a jewelry store at the time of our engagement. My mother insisted we return the first ring we bought back to Zales and get one from them. Since they were in Fla. at the time I had to phone in my order which my mother didn’t get right the first time. After wearing a ring I disliked for some time and dropping strong hints to my mother, I finally got one I liked. How’s that for romance?

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  19. I enjoyed your “how-to”s. I thought Symbolic was especially good. Then I thought Fidelity was even better. Then the Telephone got me really laughing. I see that emoticons include diamonds now. Can any cell phones increase the font size of the diamond? Or do you still have to use email for that to work?

    The rash idea was rash, but effective. I know: my daughter pulled that one with white gold.

    The floor grate was also tried and tested: I accidentally swallowed a ring. One difference: it was my favorite ring: a band of silver hearts.

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    • Grace! What? How do you (even you!?) manage to swallow a ring? We’re not talking cheerios here, right? And increasing the font size of the diamond on your cellphone, that’s a great one! I am very grateful that with all you have going on, you still come visit me here.
      hugs,
      Steph

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  20. Wow! You have so many back-up plans and so many excuses at the fore! I mean you are REALLY good at this…obviously very practised at getting what you want and obviously now very practised at looking ahead and being proactive about making sure things go you way before you need an excuse! Most impressive!

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  21. All good ideas if guys were able to take hints. Gotta remember we’re like Julius Caesar when he was warned about the Ides of March. For most guys, if they’re like me, we have to be taken into a jewelry store, shown the ring, have the jewelry try it on our beloved size, then tell us direct, “Don’t you think about getting me another ring than this one if you plan to propose.” Even then, we may not get the hint. You see what I mean?

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  23. Oh balls. Your advice is 12 years too late for me and I’m stuck with a ring I wouldn’t have chosen. (It doesn’t have Tiffany engraved on it for a start. And there is a 2 indicating the carats, but it comes after the decimal point. Tsk.)
    Seeing that my fingers are now also too fat for the thing to fly off when building that bbq I can only hope to drop a brick on my ring finger instead, thus requiring the ring to be cut off…and replaced with something more to my tastes.

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  24. lol I am reminder of the ring I got my wife, I only could afford IMITATION Cubic Zirconia.
    After a year it look like she was wearing a ring with a stone of road salt. Snother great post. 🙂

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