1st Ex-husband: I read the back of a self-help book the other day and it was all about you.
Me: Really? Was it “The Guide to Reinventing Yourself?”
1st Ex-husband: Uh, No. It was “Stop Walking on Eggshells: How to deal with a Borderline.”
Me: You mean like people who still listen to that 80’s Madonna hit song with the same title?
1st Ex-Husband: Not quite. People who have an Emotional Intensity Disorder, to put it nicely.
Me: Ugh. You just don’t “get me.” You’ve never “gotten me.”
1st Ex-Husband: Why do you always make quotation marks with your fingers when you say that?
Naturally I went out to the closest bookstore and bought a new copy. The first symptom listed was:
- Frequently saying to others, “You just don’t get me.”
Followed by:
- All or Nothing thinking (well, CAN you be halfway pregnant?)
- Anxiety & Depression
- Impulsivity (I like to call it spontaneity)
- Marked sensitivity to rejection (that covered every writer in America)
- Control Issues (that covered every female in America)
- An unwillingness to take responsibility and a tendency to blame others. (not me!)
- Unstable Interpersonal Relationships (what do they expect when nobody “gets” you?)
As I finished up the last chapter, nodding and reluctantly agreeing, I received a phone call.
2nd Ex-Husband: Hey, just came across a book today that reminded me of you — The Bi-Polar and Her Environment.”
Me: I’m guessing it’s not about a big white bear who prefers arctic weather, but she’s bi so she likes the sunshine too?
2nd Ex-Husband: Nope. And did you just make air quotation marks with your fingers? Hello? Are you there?
The neighborhood bookstore owner was politely holding the door wide open for me when I arrived, greeting me with the hardcover in his outstretched hand. I read the entire 300 pages right then and there and sheesh — this book could not have been any more about me. Except when it wasn’t. Yes, I had mood swings and extreme behaviors but “a decreased need for sleep?” Not according to my snooze button. When I returned home, my phone was ringing determinedly.
Me: Hello Mom.
My Mother: My book club met tonight and . . .
Me: Title and Author please?
My Mother: “Should You Avoid the Avoidant Personality in Your Life?” by Hadley Nuff.
If I drove fast enough, I could just about make it back to the bookstore before they closed.
The bookstore manager was locking up as I arrived, but had the decency to have the appropriate pages highlighted and bookmarked as he read the symptoms aloud to me. “People with Avoidant Personality Disorder experience long-standing feelings of inadequacy and are extremely sensitive to what others think about them. These feelings of inadequacy leads the person to be extremely inhibited and socially inept. They usually turn to blogging as a last resort.”
Me: You made that last part up!
He winked at me as I grabbed the book and slipped him a twenty.
When I backed out of the lot, a parking attendant approached my car and generously handed me a stack of paperbacks. “I saw these and couldn’t help but think of you.” I glanced at the titles:
- Generalized Anxiety Disorder
- Adaptation Syndrome Disorder
- Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
- Histrionic Personality Disorder
- Intermittent Explosive Disorder
- Reactive Attachment Disorder
- Chronic Depressive Disorder
By morning, blurry eyed from the small print, I had already googled three psychiatrist’s names. But which one would be lucky enough to hit the Jackpot and treat me?
If I couldn’t make up my mind, it probably meant I also had “Decision Disorder.” All three doctors would surely have a field day! It was obvious I had over 10 syndromes. But how had I kept all of these symptoms concealed from myself all these years, I wondered? That was easy. I also had “Defiance Denial Disorder.”
I was extremely nervous when I realized the doctor (whose name I chose from a hat) strongly resembled Jack Nicholson from “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.” That must be a symptom of “Concoct a Celebrity” disorder, I reminded myself in a calm, affirming manner. “Nothing they can’t prescribe a book for,” I reassured myself. “Relax.”
Me: I don’t understand how I can fit the descriptions of everything. Am I just very versatile?
Dr. McMurphy: Yes and No. You see, Little Miss Menopause… And by the way, changing your name to one of your maladies is very clever indeed.
Me: Thank you.
Dr. McMurphy: You see, many people (especially ex-husbands who develop a sudden interest in literacy) don’t realize how many of these diagnostic terms share a huge overlap of characteristics with one another.
Me: So the authors of the books are all friends who studied about Me in medical school?
Dr. McMurphy: It’s perfectly normal to think it’s always all about you, Miss Menopause. We call that Grandiosity and Narciss….
Me: Never mind!
Dr. McMurphy: The point is, all of these disorders fall under one larger umbrella.
Me: So I have Rainy Day Syndrome as well?
Dr. McMurphy: It does appear that a dark cloud follows you around, yes. But we have another name for you. It’s not any of these fancy sounding syndromes or disorders.
Me: I was afraid of that. Does it start with a C?
Dr. McMurphy: Why yes.
Me: Oh no! And is the second letter an R?
Dr. McMurphy: As a matter of fact.
Me: But Dr… I thought professionals didn’t use that word these days.
Dr. McMurphy: If it’s too much for you, I’ll write it down on my prescription pad and you can look at it later. But there is hope.
As I walked downstairs to the pharmacy, I summoned up all my courage. I could handle being called the “CR” Word. And so what if it happened to rhyme with Lazy. I’d been called worse things. I took a quick peek —
This was more depressing than I thought. I don’t think they’ll ever come up with a cure. I better call both my Ex-husbands and warn them it could get handed down to our kids!
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Lol…. halfway pregnant… wouldn’t that be interesting. That would have really done a number on me as a Catholic co-ed having to worry not just about pregnancy but half pregnancies 🙂 Creative- indeed you are. Because of certain traits that I have, my friends would tease me, call me neurotic- but now I see that all of those attributes are essential for the artist that I am. Great insights, Stephanie!
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Here’s a menu, you can only pick one though 😉
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There’s no question about it you are certifiably CREATIVE. I am certainly glad you didn’t have Gelufan Readan Disorder “Believe all you read disorder”, Of course taking the unsolicited comments from an ex-spouse or two with a grain of salt is also helpful. Perhaps the right prescription could help, I suggest dark chocolate and a small glass of red wine. Also, utilize often the gift you give others, LAUGHTER.
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OMG!!! I LOVE you!!! Your writing is so awesome! I am standing in my kitchen (alone in the house) eating cold pizza after a long and mentally exhausting day literally laughing out loud like a CR word that rhymes with lazy lady!
Thank you for the dose of humor. I hope your blogging prescription is one you are prescribed with for rhe rest of your existence.
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I love you back. Now…. Cold pizza? Pass some here, darling. Ps. Have a better night. I hear you on mentally exhausting.
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so many disorders…so little time to adequately express each one of them…loved it Stephanie…
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Thank you Katie, you are always so appreciated!
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Haha! I love your writing. Awesome post 🙂
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Why, thank you!
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I’ve always liked crazy. Maybe I am a narcissist. 🙂
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Maybe means maybe not?
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Yeah, everyone’s a diagnostician these days! And all their exes are narcissists, have you noticed?
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Noticing right now!
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Well I guess you should be elated
You were diagnosed as creative
Because what you described you see
Sounded just a bit like me
So with relief and delight
I can say I’M NOT CRAZY!!!…right?
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LOVE!!!!! Can i tell you how long I have been yearning for a versed comment from you??? Stupendous!!
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Thank you Stephanie! I’ll try to do so more often!
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LOL!! I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE this!!! I’m creative, too!!
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Thank you so much. And any of my readers seeing this comment, immediately go visit Mrs Muffintop because her amazing website just started taking submissions! I’m telling you it would be an honor to go up on there. Read all of the work featured there now. Then submit here! http://mrsmuffintop.com/submit/
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So many disorders…so little time 🙂 This was an adorable post!
I, too, have an ex-husband (or 2) who still, to this day, do not “get me.”
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Well, I “get you.” You are entirely “gettable!” Thanks so much for commenting!
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Love this one. Can’t help wondering if something I might have said had anything to do with you writing this? Great ending!
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But, of course. And him, and him, and him. And the new “self-help” book I told you I’ve been reading…..
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And that is WHY I stay far away from self-help books…and ex-husband’s opinions… 😉
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One brilliant lady!
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I love this post! Perhaps since many of us can see these things in ourselves (i.e. the turn to blogging, etc.) dare I suggest that we are the new norm and the writers of those self-help books and the docs are the CR word?
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Dare to suggest away! Thank you.
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If I couldn’t make up my mind, it probably meant I also had “Decision Disorder.” XD
@APD – They usually turn to blogging as a last resort. Ouch ouch, okay, I’ll stop blogging!
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Never! (I’ll go cray cray if you do.) But what does @APD mean?
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Avoidance Personality Disorder according to you 😉
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*avoidant* Correcting my comment must also be a disorder!
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This is why I adore you!
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“They usually turn to blogging as a last resort.” – *sigh* Scooch over and make some room on that psychiatrist’s couch for me, willya?
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group rate, Maggie?
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oh, yes, please! LOL! ❤
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Your ex husbands have serious issues. You’re perfect.
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Aww, thanks. I have to say I agree with first statement. 😉 Love your gravatar, btw. Meaning to tell you that.
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#thanks 🙂
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Lol you rock my dear Stephanie!!! Your posts and writing always puts a hugeee smile in my face..literally lol-ing here..luv ya huge hugs!!! 😘😘😘
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Huge hugs back and thank you ever so kindly!
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You outdid yourself here. And I love the small touches like the Psychiatrist being named after the patient in Cuckoo’s Nest.
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Thanks — I love that movie, actually.
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So many diagnoses – so little medication 🙂 Love this, very witty. People who generally “recognise” behaviour issues of other people are usually looking in the mirror!
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Wow. Thank you. No truer words than your last statement, hmm? That was exactly the little side note I wanted to convey here. I hope nobody takes offense at any of this, however. So glad to hear from you. Love your blog!
Stephanie
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Thanks Stephanie. I always enjoy your posts, and if people get offended that is their issue (maybe they need to see a Psych).
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This might be your favorite post yet! I’m crazy about your creativity.
You bring back memories of a counselor who diagnosed me, without the credentials to do so, and came up with a comparable assortment and reading list. Oi Vey!
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This could be my favorite post yet since YOU came around here so quickly! We both can’t sleep? These credential-less counselors, they do get around, mmm? Are you keeping warm there? Not still watching Frozen? I’m in Seattle for a whole month and LOVING the rain!
Be good now, Grace!
Steph
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As toasty warm as can be at seasonal temperatures below zero many mornings. Besides the weather, how and why did you escape to Seattle for a month?
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Speaking of movies. we thought of you (actually of your recommendation for After Hours) when we watched Sweet Revenge the other evening. Not to be confused with Sweet Charity .
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Quick! Where can i get a self-help books that makes me as creative and funny as you?!!! Loved this post.
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Oh now, you’re far too kind. Thank you, Mademoiselle!
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The pleasure is mine 🙂 Ooooh La La!
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