The Three R’s – Risqué, Racy, & Raunchy!

kindu

The only thing worse than a “premeditated” shower together is being “surprised” in your own private shower when you think you’re alone.

Normally Little Miss Menopause oozes about as much wholesomeness as a Hostess Twinkie. But every once in a while she will deteriorate into “Rated R” writing on her blog. A reliable red flag? She’ll usually begin referring to herself in the third person. This is dissociative behavior, but that’s not important right now.

What IS important is that I detest the typical foreplay that gets most normal people horny. I can’t even stand to use the word “horny” because I think of reptiles with warts.  Can we please just call it “hot” or “lusty,” people?

This unique problem of mine was probably a main reason for at least one of my divorces. Toward the end of the marriage, he (who shall remain nameless)  introduced an “Intimacy Inducing” Smartphone app into our relationship. Desperate measures? You betcha.

The idea was to choose from a huge menu of pre-listed sexual activities, and if both people picked the same things, those particular fantasies went in the couple’s mutual “sexual bucket” to try out in real life. (There really was a beach pail image waiting to be filled!)

After two weeks, when my “To-Do” list remained empty but three hundred disgusting ideas crowded my “To-Don’t” list, the app declared me frigid and referred me to a local sex therapist.

Hmmm.

The app also told me the percentage of couples who had tried each particular obnoxious activity, which I guess was supposed to encourage me to “Keep Up With The (Porno)Jones!”

But I quickly realized I needed to be more flexible and open-minded. So listed below are the least repulsive and inoffensive ideas the Smartphone app (and my then husband) wanted us to try. See if you don’t agree with me that these things are NOT sexy.

 9 Turn-Ons That Won’t Turn Me On in a Million Years!

  1.  Play Around in a Hot tub Together – The jets were fun but when my then husband (do I have to keep referring to him like that? Yes I do!) wanted to actually “do it” in the bubbles, I kept wondering how many other couples lived in our condominium complex (with this exact Smartphone app) and had been in the very same Jacuzzi recently. Eww. So I composed an “Ode To Chlorine” poem instead.
  2.  Shower Sex — I’ve never understood the appeal here. Get naked under unflattering bathroom florescent lighting to partake in a utilitarian cleansing experience (associated with either gym locker rooms or Norman Bates in Psycho) with my hair plastered to my head while mascara runs down my cheeks and he cracked prison jokes with “don’t bend over to pick up the soap” as the punchline?
  3. Sex on a Fur Rug in Front of the Fire – As an animal lover, I would forever imagine which cuddly Bambi creature had been killed for our coziness? And fireplaces are for toasting those squishy, white unhealthy blobs. And even though my stomach technically qualified, I would stick with marshmallows, thank you very much. Besides, I sweat profusely when I get “lusty” so I don’t need an open flame to make me perspire even more, thereby necessitating another utilitarian shower together. Blech.
  4. Add heat or ice to oral sex – Why on earth? This activity was stressful enough as it was! But they want you to alternate turning an ordinary penis into a popsicle and then some kinda fresh outa-the-oven baked goodie that you’ll need an oven mitt to handle? Really, can we all just go back to using the trusty Reddi-Whip can?
  5. Role Play as Stewardess and Passenger—I’m deathly afraid to fly and pretending to be inducted into the “Mile High” club would have offered me zero thrills per minute. All I would’ve thought about were those air-sickness bags and tiny packages of salted peanuts spilling everywhere.
  6. Do It In Front Of a Mirror – If I had to view my wide reflection staring back at me during sex, he might as well have been banging me on a doctor’s office scale. I would be obsessing about diets and “a moment on the lips, forever on the hips.” And then fish n’ chips and chicken strips and onion dips and licorice whips and… yes I binge when I’m being scrutinized.
  7.  Incorporate chocolate covered strawberries or caramel sauce into your foreplay – Right! After the above mirror escapade, the only thing I’d be doing with those treats would be adding up how many points they were on Weight Watchers.
  8.  Wrap body Parts in Saran Wrap – Oh sure! Because he needed more proof that he was getting served leftovers again.
  9.  Masturbate in Front of Each Other, Narrate Finger Auction – Huh? Auction? Okay, I guess it would go something like this…. “The next item is a close-up of My Vagina. Done in lovely muted colors and circular brush strokes. I’m now sliding a single finger inside. Do I hear two fingers? Three? Three! Going once, going twice, coming three times!” Oh, never mind. There was a typo in the Smartphone app. It was Finger Action, NOT Auction.

But that gave me an idea! I looked over the other 8 items featured on our sexual bucket list in the hopes that I had misread them as well. But there was no such luck — 100% accurate.  There were only two options left — #1. Serious negotiations with my then husband or #2. Make an appointment with that recommended sex therapist.

But I chose option #3, deleting the Intimacy Smartphone app. And also eventually…deleting my then husband.

Note: A modified version of this article originally appeared on BLUNTmoms over a year ago.

And if you’d like to be kept aware of the other places my writing appears, I finally have an Author Facebook Page.  I would love (if you’re active on Facebook) for you to click HERE and like it.  That way when my personal blog occasionally goes dark, we can still keep in touch.  Have a great weekend! Stephanie D. Lewis – – AKA  Little Miss Menopause.

 

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Provoking the Provocative & Sensing the Sensuous!

1569_12-whatsapp-funny-status-quotes-relationshipI’ve discovered a fascinating blogger named “Erica Erotica.” Yes, that’s what this 52 year-old gorgeous divorcee writer (who’s very open about her new found sexuality) named herself. She’s my brand new inspiration for bringing a Touch of Tantra into my writing. Because why should she be the only one (at this age) who gets to write classy posts about BDSM, Boudoir, Lingerie, Sexual Fantasies and put up tastefully suggestive photos of herself? And yes those images are all really her.

So definitely check Erica Erotica out — because she’s stunning and seems to knows exactly what she’s talking about.  BUT don’t write yours truly, (I am officially now called, “Stephanie Seductressie!”) off as just another baby boomer blogger. You can bet your blindfold I know what’s what in my own bedroom!

Introducing . . .

Six Smoldering, Sultry, Sex-Sireny Suggestions for Sensuality from Stephanie Seductressie

  1. Always dress in the three S’s — That’s satin, silk or Slinky ® — But don’t force that last one into your wardrobe if it doesn’t come naturally for you.  Very few women can carry off silver metal coils wrapped tightly around their thighs. 

    Imagine this alluringly wrapped around your neck.

    Imagine this creative sex toy alluringly draped around your neck.

2. Focus When Doing Your Kugels — It will make that part stronger and everyone will feel more fulfilled. Now is not the time to switch to whole wheat noodles or add extra eggs in your tried and true recipe. My favorite is HERE. Of course be careful when removing from the oven — you wouldn’t want anything to slip out of your hands and spill all over your clean pelvic floor.

3.  Know How to Handle a Long Tantra — This means you catch it early. As soon as your child screams or falls to the ground, you must swiftly put him in his room for time-out. He will soon figure out throwing a tantra is a waste of time. And speaking of time, after the tantra climaxes, look deeply into your lover’s eyes while teasingly offering a cryptic massage, then slowly state the following, “I’ll be right back. It’s too quiet in our child’s room. I think he’s coloring on the walls.”  (Oh. Maybe that should’ve read offering a cryptic message, NOT massage.)

4. Insert the 3 “L” Words, “Love, Lust & Longing” Into Everyday Conversation — Because how can you go wrong inserting anything??  Seriously, it may feel awkward speaking the following phrases, but trust me the results will be fantastic.  Try, “I simply Love when you empty the trash.” or “I’m writing a grocery Lust, are we out of marshmallows for our hot cocoa? (It’s the marshmallows that add to this sexy scenario) or how about, “Go take a Longing walk off a short pier!” Mmmm, draw the bubble bath asap.

5.  Pose For Boudoir Photos — First practice pronouncing “Boudoir” correctly.  I called to make an appointment for pictures in a “Boudoir setting” and found myself headed to Boulder, Colorado. Alright, so you’re definitely a hot little number all on your own, but bringing in props and really setting the stage in the studio can brighten any photographer’s day. In fact my cameraman kept calling me his little “Testosterone Tramp” because I would lean over enticingly, pressing down firmly on my hormone creme pump as he snapped the perfect shots. Don’t forget to bring your own fan. Forget having it off to the side, giving you that sexy, tousled, windblown hair.  Keep that breezy baby center frame with you, aimed directly on your wrists and the back of your neck where it will do some good.  Unless your studio specializes in Hot Flash Photography.

A prop to inspire a thousand fantasies!

A photo prop to inspire a thousand fantasies!

6.  Lingerie — Wear lots of it.  But let’s get one thing straight – – Spanx, even though it is sold in the Lingerie department, does not count. What an ugly word Spanx is. Sounds like something you just slap on, rather than slide into. Now a “negligee” IS lingerie. In fact anything french sounding will work. So you could wriggle into a little attaché case, or puree a soufflé or even slip on a sexy protégé. But if your lingerie works correctly and he touches you exactly the right way – – in keeping with your french theme . . .  after things “culminate” for you, always shout out, “Touché!”

And now if you’d like to glimpse my actual lingerie (and hear it talk) simply click HERE.

Sincerely YOURS,

Stephanie Seductressie

When Their Turn-Ons Are Your Turn-Offs!

photo (22)There’s something sexually explicit (and illicit!) going on with your mobile device! It’s called Kindu and it’s a Smartphone app with the above image being a screenshot from just one brilliant suggestion it gave me.

Kindu was my inspiration for a humor article I’ve just had published RIGHT HERE, but which is probably a tad too racy for my regular followers — so you’ll need to depart from my blog to read it. The website put it under the category “Getting Naughty” but I don’t know how naughty you can actually get when you still use vocabulary like “naughty.”

I hope you get some laughs and will leave me some comments at the risqué and edgy website called BLUNTmoms because it will greatly benefit me. Indeed next time around, I hope they’ll hire me to write a piece called, “How Toaster Ovens Can Help You Get Lucky, Even Without a Bagel in Sight!”

Meanwhile here are the easy directions for Kindu should you ever venture into installation territory.

Using Kindu is as simple as 1-2-3.

1) Rate the sexual idea as either “definitely”, “no thanks” or “maybe.”

2) Next, let your partner privately rate the same series of ideas on their own cellphone.

3) Kindu cross-matches your responses and lists ideas you both rated as “Definitely” or “Maybe” in a common category.

The beauty is if your partner gave a “no thanks” to something that you rated positively, they will never know. Therefore with Kindu, your SICK (I added that part!) secrets are safe. Kindu only reveals fantasies that both you and your partner agree on.

SO NOBODY HAS TO KNOW WHAT A TWISTED PERSON YOU ARE!

Have sex in my garage?!!  The Kindu authors must have known there's a cardboard Eiffel tower in there. (Don't ask why!) How romantic!

Have sex in my garage?!! The Kindu authors must have known there’s a cardboard Eiffel tower in there. (Don’t ask why!) How romantic!

Well, suffice it to say, “I can kinda do Kindu.”  But not without some funny side affects and consequences. Again, you can read about it all right HERE!

On a much cleaner topic than both the sexual post and my garage, (but still closely related to electronics and the online world) — please also join me on a terrific webzine called, “Mrs. Muffintop” as I delve into what goes through the mind of a computer Hacker as they peruse your personal and private email accounts! Just CLICK HERE. And comments there are most welcome as well!

And as always, thank you for supporting humor that occasionally goes sideways. Okay, alright, completely upside-down.

Naughtily yours,

Stephanie, AKA Little Miss Menopause

Phone Sex . . . Your True Calling? (Part 2)

betty boopI was going to end with Part 1 (avoiding future awkward moments for my readers) but many people phoned insisting I finish what I started. Of course most of those callers were my daughters referring to their baby scrapbooks.

 For better or worse, we now return to the climax of the “HOW TO HAVE BETTER PHONE SEX” article I modified from Wiki How, posted in its original state  HERE. My additions are in Red Font.

Begin the call!

Once you have your partner on the phone, take things at a speed you’re both comfortable with. There’s no “correct” way to have phone sex.  However there is an incorrect way! Don’t put your partner on hold each time your persistent Jewish mother calls worried about your “health.” Here’s the fix: Tell her beforehand you’re keeping your line clear for a prominent physician to call. She’ll be so busy humming, “Matchmaker, Matchmaker” she’ll forget about you for hours.

  • If it helps you relax, spend a few minutes chatting before you get started… just don’t let yourselves get distracted from your sexy goal.  I like to sing, “Happy Birthday, Mr. President” to bolster my confidence and to see if blondes really do have more fun?
  • A low, soft tone of voice or heavy breathing can help set the mood, but don’t force it (if you have asthma, get your inhaler) Speaking comfortably in your normal tone of voice will be sexier than an awkwardly forced attempt at sounding sexy. In fact sometimes doing the opposite can break the ice for both of you.  Do you do a mean Rosanne Rosannadanna impersonation? Now’s the time.
 Introduce a casual topic that will segue nicely into sexy talk. Getting started is possibly the hardest part. Pick a topic that’s easy for you to bring up, but which has the potential to spiral into steamier territory. Examples:
  • How much you miss them, or wish they were with you (if  your partner leads with this, best to confirm it’s not a wrong number.)
  • What you would like to do if they were with you (Refrain from saying, “Call your mother up so you can explain why she’s not welcome at our house for dinner anymore.”)
  • What you’re wearing and how you look in it  It’s a huge turn-on to be assertive so instead of asking them the usual insecure question, turn it around into a confident “I” statement. i.e. Insist,”I know these jeans DO make my butt look fat.  Yes, they absolutely do!”  If that seems to get a rise out of them, you can berate and discipline them ala Fifty Shades of Grey. “It’s your job to tell me! Don’t you roll your eyes at me!! How could you let me go out like this?  OMG, I oughta strangle you. Would you like that??”  Mmmmmm, they would. . .
  • What you’re doing at the moment (Feel free to skip this part. They’ll never hear you filing your nails over your loud moans.)
  • How you’re feeling about starting phone sex (avoid any synonyms to “Silly”)
  • Recount how many items went missing in the last load of laundry, causing sorting and mating footwear to be difficult. Oh wait, that’s Phone Sox.
  • Escalate into sexy talk. (If you tend to loose your footing on moving staircases, Elevate into sexy talk instead.)  Once you’re feeling comfortable, try getting bolder with your descriptions. A good approach is to describe these 3 things:
  • What you’re doing: Describe how you look and the way you’re touching yourself. Be raunchy but coy! (Just don’t say, “Maybe we could do it in a Koi pond some day. Wouldn’t that be raunchy?”)
    • Ask for “advice” — for example, “should I start playing with my underwear?” (“White underwear that turned pink in the wash yet again, I kid you not! Any advice on that issue?”) Shhh, not the laundry again!  That’s only erotic the first time around.
    • Tell them what you’d like them to do, if they’re willing. (Would they be willing to buy you a Porsche? No? Bargain with them. How about just a down payment on a Honda Accord?)
    • Don’t feel bad if you’re not comfortable touching yourself — you can still let them know that you’re enjoying simply listening to them.  Or say enthusiastically, “I couldn’t wait to touch myself. And guess what I discovered? My purple nail polish is nearly dry!”
  • What you’re imagining: This could be, for example, what you’d like to be doing with your partner, or a moment from great sex the two of you experienced in the past, (make sure their recall skills are just as sharp as yours however, or you’ll be arguing whether you were the person on top during an Alaskan cruise or a Mexican holiday.
    • You might want to start out slow: begin with tame descriptions like “first, I’d stroke your hair. Btw, did you ever try that dandruff shampoo I bought you?” or “I really like the way your chest looks in a T-shirt”, (just not the one that says, “I’m with Stupid.”) before moving on to steamier things like “then I’d kiss your neck” or “remember when you did that thing in the shower?” And after that, we never had another clogged drain again!
    • As always, how explicit you get, and how quickly, is entirely up to you. Seize the control, baby! 
  • How you’re feeling: Describe the physical and emotional feelings you’re experiencing as a result of what you’re doing and/or what they’re saying.
    • Moaning is a great way to communicate. However, there’s no need to to do this if you’re uncomfortable. You can start with just letting your breath go at first, to help encourage little moans into louder moans. I think there’s a MPH (Moans per Hour) formula but I’m not sure. Moan Multiplication is complicated if your mouth math skills suck.  You could moan to the 10th power and then divide by the square root of 9 and call it a day. If you’re more right brained, Musical Moaning to Michael Jackson’s Thriller can be equally as effective.
    • Let them know when they’ve described something you particularly enjoyed. (Nordstroms, Tiffany’s, Neiman Marcus. This is called Foreplay storeplay)  Likewise, don’t be afraid to tell them when you don’t enjoy something — it’ll allow the two of you to move on to something else that you’ll both find enjoyable. Have a judging system like they do on ‘So You Think You Can Dance.’

 What Comes Next!  

  • Masturbation and orgasm . Mutual masturbation and orgasm are excellent additions to phone sex, but they’re not a requirement by any means. No worries. Just like a new driver who starts the ignition and idles in the driveway the whole entire day. It’s all good.
    • Don’t feel bad if your partner doesn’t join you in masturbating. If you don’t want to masturbate alone, ask them before you start if they’d be interested in joining you? Don’t make a sales pitch. You’re not telemarketing.  Besides, they may still harbor resentments from you demanding they leave the warm bed you share together and heading to the phone booth around the corner so you could try phone sex.  Likewise, they shouldn’t get anxious if they start masturbating and you don’t want to — you’re not obligated to join them. What do they think they’ve formed? A Mutual Masturbation Coalition?  Just enjoy listening to them pleasure themselves.
    • Don’t worry if one or both of you never reach orgasm. Think of it as the icing on the cake, rather than the goal of the exercise.  However, they may have achieved their goal so quietly, (or your ears may be failing at your age) that you didn’t hear them. In situations like this, it’s permissible to say, “Was that what I thought it was?” Warning!  Don’t say, “Come again?”  photo-75
    • If you reach orgasm before your partner has, never hush all the way up!  Brush up on the lyrics to “The Sound of Silence” by Simon & Garfunkel and serenade them. Or continue talking, describing what you’re feeling and imagining. You might want to say, “Well, I imagine you might want to come back home now?” if it’s still raining outside.
     
  • Finishing. The point at which you decide to stop is up to you. There’s no need to wait for orgasm or until you’ve built hotels on both Boardwalk and Park Place. However if you can’t discern if they’ve reached their climax (because it’s all sounding the same right about now) you may want to have an agreed upon signal that they are indeed “complete.” Walter Cronkite signed off with, “And that’s the way it is!” but I think you can do better.
    • There’s no rule as to how quickly you should end the call after finishing off. Some people prefer ending the call as soon as their breathing has gone back to normal, whereas others prefer to stay on the line and chat. Just don’t say, “Well, I hate to eat and run but….”
    • Let your partner know how much you enjoyed yourself before you end the call and that you’d like to do it again soon.  I once said, “Don’t call us, we’ll call you.”  (That didn’t go over very well.) Good Luck readers!

If this doesn’t work out, and a divorce looms in your future, I’ve got you covered there too with my brand new article on Huffington Post today right HERE.  

  • photo-76

Are You Hung Up On Phone Sex?

couple phone sexAs a convenient service to my readers, I occasionally take online “How To” articles and expand on them so they’re more accurate.  This will enable you to better accomplish your goals, (which let’s just suppose for today is, “How To Have Better Phone Sex!”) in a more expedient manner.

See, I’ve got your number.  And you’re welcome!

This article was originally from Wiki How and can be found HERE with outrageous graphic illustrations that depict a woman getting ready to . . .  uh, shampoo her hair??

Let’s Begin! My additions will be in red font and will luckily include much more than scintillating dialogue like this: 

“What are you wearing?”

“I don’t know.  What are YOU wearing?”

PART 1 (The Introduction)

Phone sex is a great way to spice up your sex life, whether you’re doing it because your partner is far away, (does the kitchen count?) because you’re not ready to have other kinds of sex together, because you just want to try something new, or any other reason like needing to have unique blogging material. To have great phone sex, you need to let loose, stop being self-conscious, (yes, remind yourself the phone probably hasn’t shaved its legs in weeks, either) and be ready to get turned on, no matter how silly you may feel at first. (“Silly” probably wasn’t the adjective you were feeling, but now that “Silly” has been mentioned, you probably cannot help envisioning how “Silly” the phone below would look on your partner’s ear)

phone sex

If you want to know how to have phone sex, just follow these very easy steps.  Hmm, shouldn’t one of these steps be very Hard? At least for him?

  1. Set up a phone date. While it’s true that, as with any other kind of sex, phone sex can “just happen”, the session is more likely to go well if you’ve planned ahead, especially if it’s your first time doing it together. There is probably a ready-made invitation you can send from evite.com but make sure the RSVP info is clear. You do not want to be stood up for this particular activity. And will it be potluck or catered?  If you do not have a special someone already to have phone sex with then you could try a phone sex chat line number such as 1-888-392-5412.  Yes, although this phone number is just one digit off from the As Seen On TV “Hurricane Spinning Kitchen Linoleum Cleaner”  so be careful because instead of dropping your drawers, you’ll just be mopping your floors.
  2. Pick a time when you’re both alone and free to let your inhibitions loose. (Extremely wild inhibitions may do better abiding by local leash laws.) Your plan won’t work if you’re rolling around in bed, feeling hot and heavy, (hot, as in hot flashes? Heavy, as in that extra 25 lbs?) while your partner is shivering in the rain outside the library. (Your partner is intellectual enough to visit a library, but not intelligent enough to take shelter inside during a storm?)
  3. If your partner is new to phone sex or feeling unsure, consider sending them this article, or reading it together. If your partner is already a phone sex expert, then send ’em my blog on I Hate Hugging. They’ll feel blessed to have you as a partner instead of me!
  4. Don’t forget that you can always discuss what you’d like to do during phone sex before you start. Great point. How about designing a personalized menu for both of you to choose from? i.e. Let’s say his name is Gus. You can order up a side of Steamed AssSpareGus. You get the idea.

PART 2 (The Setting)

Let loose and get in the mood. It will be difficult for you to enjoy yourselves if you feel tense or Silly, (oops!  There’s the mention of Silly again.  Now you’re thinking about this . . .)finger

So before you call, do whatever you need to do to get yourself comfortable and feeling sexy.  If you’re the one in that pouring rain outside the library, get a seductive looking umbrella.

  • Let loose: Lie in bed for a while, (browse the internet, have a glass of wine, jog on the spot, do some singing and silly dancing in front of the mirror — anything that will allow you to release the tension from your body.) If you keep your drapes open for all the jogging, singing and dancing, you may not have time for any phone sex since the neighbors will have beaten you to the telephone. They’ll call the asylum.
  • Get in the mood: Setting up a sexy atmosphere can help put you in the right frame of mind, so consider doing whatever you’d do to prepare for any other kind of sex. Here are some ideas:
    • Tidy up your room and make the bed (this was written by Merry Maids, Inc.)
    • Turn off lights, perhaps set up some candles (nice touch if you forgot to pay the electric bill)
    • Play soft music (Actually your cell might already have just the perfect melody programmed into itunes or some other app, but you’ll never know unless you get your phone turned-on.)
    • Have a bath or shower (and a shave, if you like) Yes! Poor hygiene is a real hot button. Your mobile device is very dialed in to this issue and you don’t want to push its buttons.
    • Put on (or take off!) your favorite, sexiest clothes and underwear. I have nothing to add.
    • Set out a sex toy (Be careful that it’s not another battery operated gadget because your cell phone may feel jealous and possibly even replaced. You could convince your phone that this is actually for a ménage à trois. However it may not fall for this trick since it’s a Smartphone.)
    • Turn yourself on by gently caressing your body, or thinking about your lover, or imagining sexual encounters you’ve had or would like to have… but don’t let yourself get too turned on just yet — that’s what the phone call is for!  Definitely don’t get too worked up! It’s much better to stay in that Silly frame of mind (mentioned numerous times earlier) so your partner will sense your arousal when you finally quit singing, “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” and stop dancing like Dick Van Dyke.

Part 3 (The Climax) Coming Soon!cell phone sex