Conversations Between Internet Trolls


We're starving!
We’re starving!

It doesn’t happen much with the nice bloggers on WordPress, but lately I’ve experienced trolls stirring up trouble on The Huffington Post. So I did what any neurotic writer would do — I pretended to be a Troll myself and start a Support Group with a sign, “Trolls ‘R Us!”

Even though “Do Not Feed The Trolls” is the common mantra, I put egg-rolls in bowls for trolls. I’m waiting for the first Troll to stroll in right now.

Me: Hi and welcome to our group!

Troll 1: Thanks! I can’t wait to strike again! I’m on a roll but can’t seem to stay out of the gutter.

Troll 2: (rubs hands together) That’s the kinda language I love to hear from us Trollers.

Troll 1: Trollers? I misheard. I thought this was a group for Bowlers.

Troll 3: Get outa here. Here’s my problem. I have a hard time being subtle with my inflaming and instigating comments.  I was the middle child in my family where I had to blatantly act out to get any attention. Any advice? I’m constantly getting blocked from leaving comments.

Troll 5: I just hit ’em hard with random rants on childhood vaccination topics. You won’t be exposed there. You’ll just look like a die-hard believer. Try asking if they give their dog a rabies vaccination? Stirs things up real good!

Troll 2: Excellent tip. Wanna ride home with me? In the Troll Trolley. And then we can bake Nestle Troll House cookies!

Troll 6: Excuse me, do you have a fireplace?

Me: Yes. Are you cold?

Troll 4: Cold?? Are you for real? Any legit Troll would know that was code for wanting to “fan the flames!”

Me: Of course I’m for real! Since I was little and read the fairytale, “3 Billygoats Gruff,” I’ve had an urge I couldn’t control — to enroll to be a troll —  Having the whole soul of a troll became my goal.

Troll 2:  Alright then. Let’s get on with it. Be warned: You’re here with some heavy hitters. I’m on Parole for being a Troll.

Me: So let’s talk about our motivation for trolling, shall we? I imagine we all love a good controversy, right? But why don’t we all just go into politics?

Troll 6: Personally my wife left me and I miss her cooking. I spend my time trolling food blogs and arguing about recipes, waiting for a female blogger to invite me to a home-cooked meal. I’ll type, “Adding soy sauce to salmon really sucks. It’s too much sodium!” It drives the gourmet women wild.

Troll 3: Oh yes, I’ve read you before. You’re the Troll on “Who Stole My Sushi Roll.” You do nice work.

Troll 6: Thanks. And I’ve seen you as well. You’re The Poll Troll. You hang around on surveys and make fun of the results. You really got ‘em good last week about banning phone calls on American flights.

Me: It’s so nice to be noticed by someone, isn’t it? So is that why we do troll? The Recognition?

Troll 4: I don’t know about the rest of you, but there was zero job satisfaction when I heckled comics in clubs. So I quit. Collected unemployment for a while until I reinvented myself on the Internet.

Troll 7: Maybe you just never hit the big time. I got thrown out of a Seinfeld routine for shouting, “What the hell is this dumb bit about? Absolutely nothing!”

Troll 4: I prefer writing down my insults. They leave their mark longer.

Me: So you believe the pen is mightier than the sword?

Troll 2: Don’t give us your holier than thou literary crap. What kinda Troll are you?

Me: Um, I’m kinda like Shrek.

Troll 2:  He was an Ogre. He wasn’t a troll. And neither are you!

Troll 3:  Yeah, she’s too nosy, asking so many questions. We’ve been had. I think she’s actually a Knoll.

Troll 4: Knoll = A Kindly Narc for Trolls?  Nah, I think she’s a therapist!

Me:  Look guys. I just feel that a life of bullying isn’t for us. Didn’t we have enough fun stealing lunches on the playground? Being a troll takes its toll when it leaves a hole.

Troll 5:  She’s constantly rhyming, ya know?  And those cutsie puns. This dame is really some kinda corny lifestyle blogger.

Troll 6:  Oh yeah. I know her! I’d recognize those hot flashes anywhere.

Troll 2:  Hey, it’s Little Miss Menopause. The jig is up! Look at her super dry, wrinkly skin.

All Trolls:  Oh boy – – you ain’t seen nothing yet. You think we’re just gonna leave embarrassing stuff on your blog about moisturizers? Wait till you hear what we’re gonna comment on when you blog about “Sex At Age 40.”

(Ahhh, I love these guys.  They’re welcome anytime. They think I’m 40!?)

Me: Let’s sing…..”For they’re some Jolly Good Trollers….which nobody can deny!”

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63 thoughts on “Conversations Between Internet Trolls”

  3. Too funny!! I should have known better than to eat while reading your blog (almost choked on my peanut butter and banana sandwich). I saw a troll the other day like the ones pictured and for the life of me I couldn’t remember what it was called – geez menopause is killing me. My middle son would make an awesome troll, I’ll have to pass this post on to him lol.

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      • He’s going to be 27 on Sunday. Oh I feel so old. At any rate when he was young he used to introduce himself to people saying that he was the middle child. This is the one who had ADHD and boy of boy did he ever make me work for that “mommy of the year” award that I never received. But he’s grown into such a level headed young man it’s like he’s a different person.

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        • Awww, I just saw this, Steph. It is like they’re different people completely when they’re older. I mourn for “the little affectionate boy” I see in home movies. Anyhow, I hope you have a wonderful mother’s day. My eldest is 25. He just moved away to Chicago to start his nuclear engineering job. I’ll never understand a thing he does anymore!

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          • Happy Mother’s Day to you too Steph. Wow nuclear engineering! I have no idea what my odest does anymore all I know if that it has something to do with computers and security. When he went into the army he chose to be some sort of missle operator but he never got an opportunity to fire one. He’s such a smart kid though.

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  4. If only the online trolls really did look like the trolls pictures we could just read the nasty comments and write back…’you can’t talk with that bad hair…or… Shut up nudie bum…’ Always funny you are . Xx

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  5. LOL.. thanks for the reminder that anyone who trolls is probably more bluster than substance- come to think of it, no offense to actual trolls, but they’re not that scary either. Way to bring them down to life size- I loath encountering trolls online and it can be easy to give them more power than they actually have.

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  8. These trolls think they are so droll but in fact, are nothing but a-holes, with black holes where their hearts should be.

    Waste not another word on them! They are not worthy of your plume!

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  9. So you found out that I was one of the troll’s that harassed you on the Huffington Post, huh? Well, I don’t know where you got that naked picture of us (I’m the one on the left with the spare tire and flaming red hair), but if you think posting it on your blog is going to stop me from harassing you, you’ve got another think coming. And I for one can’t wait until it pops into your head. You’ll write it down here, and when you do, I’ll eat that egg-roll, and you’ll have fed a troll! Hey wait a minute! You thought you were pretty clever baiting me like that didn’t you? Well you just wait until I get done at Weight Watchers. I’ll be back!

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  13. My dear Blogging friend – if you are comfortable with it, would you ask your followers to Like my author Facebook page: The Moon To Play With – A Daughter’s Journey. Many thanks.

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  15. well I forgot how much I like your flowing writing – and this is actually unnerving – but trolls are very real and well, funny that you did this…
    and this really stood out
    “Being a troll takes its toll when it leaves a hole.”
    so sad that people do this maliciousness

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  16. I agree.
    No trolls on wordpress.
    Maybe a couple of wishniks.
    The internet is loaded with people who just like to be contrary.
    Actually troll is too good of a name.
    I prefer internet oger.
    Funny post a always. 🙂

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  18. Funny, I was just talking to the kids about trolls. When it comes to blogs they do not like to scroll. In fact I was helping interview some help for a friend when one came in but I could not justify having a troll on the payroll. Too quirky even for . . .well I shouldn’t go down that fox hole. I also found out trolls despise spam.

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  20. I’m just going to laugh, great post.

    I loved trolls, the rubbery, extreme hair variety, plus they smelt nice (I know, weird), feel sad the word now stands for something else rather less enchanting.

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  23. I’m a middle child! I guess I have a promising future in troll land! Heheheh….what a funny group this would be 😉

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