10 Reasons NOT To Kill Your Home Phone


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“Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here today to lay to rest that wonderful device, THE LANDLINE. Before we pay our final respects, it’s not too late to resuscitate our jingly-jangly, dialy or push-buttony friend.”

2 out of 10 people don’t even know their home phone number anymore and the majority of people are saying “Bye Bye” to their Home Phones, claiming anyone who really wants to reach them will just send a text.

HERE ARE 10 REASONS WHY YOU WANT YOUR LANDLINE BACK!

  1. Eavesdropping! — What’s wrong with you heartless murderers?  If you get rid of your home phone, how will  I   uh, YOU ever be able to pick up an extension and listen in on someone again?  How will marital affairs be discovered?  How will you know your daughter is planning to sneak a guy into the house when you go to sleep tonight? And you may as well just stock up on beer and chips because every time you go out of town, your teens will throw a huge party that you won’t be able to bust them on beforehand.
  2. I’m Hung Up On You! — Is there no greater satisfaction than slamming the receiver down on either of your two ex-husbands?  Err, okay an annoying telemarketer?  More power to you, Happily Marrieds out there!
  3. No More Building Those “Interesting” Relationships! — Think back to the home phone and how often you answered it when it wasn’t even for you. You’re never gonna get close to your potential future mother-in-law now because she’ll simply call her son’s cell directly. Previously, she had a 50/50 chance of getting you on the line when she dialed and you could say self-serving things like, “Hi Rose! I’ll put Robbie on the phone because I can’t talk now….That’s right, I’m very busy cooking your Smart little Boy a six-course dinner starring his favorite tri-tip roast — your delicious recipe of course.”
  4. No Screening People First — Gone are the days when you could answer the phone and after the high squeaky voice politely requested to speak to your child (so they could invite him for a sleepover which you found out about by asking, “What is this regarding?”) you could first ask things like, “Did your poor mother already say this is ok? Any child molesters in your neighborhood? Do you have guns in your house?  Etc.”

bye-bye-birdie-telephone5. No Being Able To Embarrass People —I loved telling the throaty sounding female caller asking for my then husband that he couldn’t come to the phone because he was in the bathroom.  For the last twenty minutes.

6. Acquiring Information — With a landline,  if the person you phoned was busy and told you to hold on for a minute while they set the phone down (with a clatter!)  you could detect the entire mood of the household. Was a baby crying? Was romantic music playing?  Was the television blaring “Seinfeld?” (If so they had a great sense of humor.)  But nowadays you are just antiseptically put on hold with the cellphone’s sterile mute button.

7. No Finding Out What People Really Think About You — I’d call my sister’s house. She’d pick up in the kitchen and my brother-in-law would pick up the second line in their bedroom. I’d recognize the opportunity for what it was and instantly keep quiet. Brother-In-Law: Who’s there? My Sister: It’s just me in the kitchen. There’s nobody on the line, I guess. But I was expecting Stephanie. She’s supposed to stop by later to borrow my black dress. Brother-In-Law: What a pain in the ass your sister always is. And she doesn’t look nearly as hot in that dress as you do. My Sister: You’re right. I’ll come right upstairs. We’ll have wild sex!

8. No Chance to Teach Your Children Phone Manners or More Importantly About Safety —If your kids never get to answer the phone while you’re out, how will you rehearse them to say polite things like, “May I please take down your name and number and have her return the call?” And how can you warn them that they should never say a parent is not home, lest the caller immediately come over and abduct them from their bedroom. And now there’s no opportunity to teach them how to tell a little white lie (when you’d rather not speak to the pesky caller) by saying, “Sorry but she can’t talk right now because she’s super busy.” But for God’s sake, don’t tell them I’m in the bathroom!  That’s for me to say about your father!

9. No Cradle! — There’s no curved plastic piece for cradling comfortably between your shoulder and your ear while you do the ironing. Wait, you don’t iron anymore??? Hold the phone!  “Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to lay to rest another wonderful laundry device used mostly before job interviews and first dates….

10. Steven Spielberg is a mockery! — Who the heck is E.T. gonna call anymore if he cannot PHONE HOME????

And of course if the home phone is gone, WHAT will you use to call your cellphone when you can’t remember where in your house you last left it??

REACH out and touch someone — inspired by today’s daily post.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/reach/

 

 

 

32 thoughts on “10 Reasons NOT To Kill Your Home Phone”

  2. I haven’t had a landline in six years, but yes growing up I miss hanging up on people/ telemarketers. Now we resort to electronic devices instead, but I still screen my calls, I don’t know the number I’m not answering it, or if I don’t want to talk to you I can decline you,and you can leave a voicemail til I call back,if and when I want to,lol.

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  8. You know, I never thought about the benefits of a landline. I do miss slamming the phone down. But more importantly, those brief accidental conversations (like the one with mother -in-law), they’re gone. Your humour speaks truth.

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  9. 1. Eavesdropping — solved! A friend of mine installed an app on her phone that records all of the calls and texts that her son sends and receives. She debated whether to tell him. Surely we could do the same to track other people…

    2. I’m Hung Up On You — I hate when someone presses keys (accidentally?) during a conversation. Talk about zinging my eardrum! Surely pounding the keypad is a modern-day equivalent?

    3. No More Building Those “Interesting” Relationships — I hear that Facebook is a haven for this. I avoid that social media site like the plague, but you got me thinking…

    4. No Screening People First — See #1. Alas, reactive instead of proactive, though. I’ll concede on this point.

    5, No Being Able To Embarrass People — Yup. Irreplaceable, except on Facebook. Maybe Twitter.

    6. Acquiring Information — I don’t know anyone who uses their mute button. Even Customer Service Reps rarely use it.

    7. No Finding Out What People Really Think About You — See #6. My doctor loved it when a patient told her that her nurse put the phone down (not on mute) to say to someone, “It’s that pain-in-the-ass Mrs. X again.” Yeah. Fired!

    8. No Chance to Teach Your Children Phone Manners or More Importantly About Safety — Courtesy? Privacy? You really ARE over the hill! Are you sure that menopause is a recent acquaintance?

    9. No Cradle! — You are clearly an imposter. Even people my age don’t remember what to do with an iron.

    10. Steven Spielberg is a mockery! — I’m sold! We must keep the line open for E.T. No worries about party lines any more.

    gluestickmum: I searched high and low to find an app that gives me a “real” phone ring. A friend still starts to dance when her phone “rings”, instead of answering it.

    Thanks again Steph for all that you put into your blog.

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    • How in the heck did I miss a comment from my all time fave commenter. WordPress is gonna get a piece of my mind, and NOT by voicemail! I love truly LOVE your list here. We should co-author a blog?? # 7 is just soooooo perfect. I can see it as a scene in a movie. (Although I imagine all the nurses refer to me like that when they put me on hold, followed by hypochondriac. Miss you Grace, hope all is going splendidly and life is weaving you into its wondrous experiences. Xo

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      • co-author? Sure! You write, and I’ll coauthor Please send job description 😉

        Little Miss Marvelous, yes, life is splendid here. I’ve been so busy landscaping, sewing and weaving that I haven’t been writing much — understatement — writing at all?

        I was diagnosed with osteoporosis — a generous gift from my menopause. I devoured all of the books and scientific articles that I could in a couple weeks, and found that I need to have enough backbone to decline the unbelievable offer from Big Pharm to increase my bone density with their drugs, and instead reduce my risk of broken bones (which has nothing to do with bone density) by eating and exercising better. I like the recommendation of being on my feet 4 hours per day, thus less writing now.

        By the way, the first breath of life is overrated. At my doctor’s office, a couple weeks ago, as I used an asthma inhaler for the first time, I discovered what it really means to breathe for the first time. I never realized that I gasp for breath every day, and that oxygen deprivation could be behind my panic attacks. Now, if I could find an inhaler that doesn’t trigger my migraines… Which is more important to me: breathing with pain or being asleep in comfort?

        WP might give your voice mail a ringing endorsement. Their answering machine might say, “If you wanted it then you should have put a ring on it”.

        Always great to hear from you, Steph, and always sending my best wishes…

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  10. I only use the landline for one thing nowadays…for calling my mobile when I’ve lost it. The home number is even listed as ‘Found You!’ on my mobile.
    I miss the click brrr of a dial though. And a proper ring. The loss of those are what killed the landline.

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  11. My hands won’t let me use a smart phone. My home phone is supplied by my Internet provider. When the Internet goes down my home phone goes down. The blurb I am given for Internet customer satisfaction is to phone customer services for instant looking into the problem. Duh ! 😀 ❤

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  12. Haaaa! # 9! I finally did get to the ironing today when moments later my mother called on my cell, which she rarely does, and my chin cut her off…oh, wait. That’s a good thing, right? Ahhh, but yes. I’d been thinking about giving up the landline. Now, thanks to you Steph, maybe not so much 🙂

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  13. I could see number 3 going either way! And let’s not forget the elimination of pocket dialing or accidentally muting, especially when we’re trying in vain to cradle our cell phones in that neck/shoulder crook!

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  15. I can see now why you held on to the land line for so long. Although I too have had a landline for some time but thinking of giving it the boot, or the unplug. Hmmm, this made me take pause.

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