Why People You Know In Real Life Want Your Blog To Fail!

haters-gonna-hate-bloggers-gonna-blogI have officially been blogging for 3.5 years now and the people who are my biggest fans (and my best supporters!) are those I haven’t even met (yet!) and who’ve never watched me grow up and feel no particular attachment to my success. That’s right — all my cyber friends really go out of their way to cheer me on. But what about my adoring family and all my real world “in the flesh” friends, you ask? They absolutely cannot be bothered to give my blog the time of day.  In fact, I just eavesdropped on this conversation the other day from two people who love me very much.

My Grandmother: So what does our girl do all day long again? She’s a Bragger? A Blotter?  A Blooper? A Blabber?

My Mother:  She’s a Blogger!

My Grandmother:  And for this we sent her to college?  What does she put on her blog anyhow?

My Mother: They’re called pillars or poles. Something like that.

Me: (bursts into room) Posts, Ma. I put posts on my blog.

That’s actually not so bad. We don’t really expect people who aren’t in this field to understand what it is we do. That’s fairly innocent. But did you know that not only are the people you’re closest to in real life not supportive, they’re downright hoping your blog gets shut down?

Why Real People Want You To Quit Blogging!

  1. THREATENED: If you announce that you’re starting a blog, heaven help you. Be prepared to get sabotaged. Just like those who proclaim they’re starting a diet and suddenly homemade Toll House cookies on platters are left on doorsteps by friends who’ve never baked before in their life.  Your success as a blogger means that people will spend less time with you because (let’s face it) blogging can consume your every waking moment.
  2. SLOTHFUL: If you don’t write stuff, they won’t have to pretend to read stuff! Your family and friends are incredibly lazy. Just let that sink in for a moment. At family reunions, I hand my brother printed out pages of my blog because I know he won’t ever bother to click on the links I text him. And this way I can oversee which parts he likes by monitoring his facial expressions as I peer over his shoulder while he reads. “What??  That line about how controlling our mother is doesn’t even get a chuckle?” I chastise. “I think it warrants a guffaw at the very least.” The Laugh Police is out in full force.
  3. FEARFUL: They don’t want to be IN your blog. That’s right. We’re in need of material and they’re the ones we have daily contact with. My family and friends preface everything they tell me now with, “And this stays between us! So don’t even think about sneaking it on your blog even if you change my name, my gender, or my profession.” My 15.5 year-old daughter refuses to learn to drive unless I give up blogging.  I am bribing her to get behind the wheel, my pen poised.
  4. NO CONTROL: You’ve entered the blogosphere and are socializing with a whole new set of people named, “Food For Thought” and “Diary of a Scatterbrain” and frankly the people in your normal daily life can’t come along to these Posting Parties. They will wonder if someone who goes by “Biff Sock Pow!” is a harmless comic book character or looking to do you real harm.
  5. SOUR GRAPES: They’re jealous because they secretly wanted to start their own blog but you already beat them to it — so now it looks like they’re just big fat copycats without an original idea in their head. Work with me on this one, will ya? It could be possible.
  6. MAGAZINES: They’re old school and believe the only real way to ingest information, entertainment, and knowledge is to turn tangible pages in their hot little hands. Every time I get published, it never fails that my mother asks, “Which magazine? Cosmo? Glamour, People?” And I always say, “It’s going up on an online blog, Ma. But it gets a million hits a year!” Only to hear her retort, “I hope they have good insurance. Those hit and run drivers, I’ll tell you. They cause lots of damage.”
  7. MEMORY ISSUES: There are a percentage of your friends who can’t even remember your name, let alone what you wrote on today’s post. They’re wanting to avoid the grilling and interrogation that inevitably happens if they become a regular reader. When I was married, I regularly quizzed my husband on what he thought of my topics, the title, the hook, the ending, and if he found anything that needed fixing like typos or punctuation. I desperately wanted his input but he couldn’t recollect a thing about my blog. It got so bad that he finally told me he was resigning as my editor because he had “Correctile dysfunction.”
  8. JUST ANOTHER NUMBER: Your family and friends don’t want to turn into a run of the mill statistic. They know you watch your Google analytics like a hawk and you can see when or IF they’ve tuned in to your blog. And if they did read it, but failed to leave a “like” or a “comment” — well that’s a crime punishable to the fullest extent of the relationship. That’s right! If they’re going to give you the silent treatment on your blog, you’re not going to speak to them in real life.
  9. FOLLOW THE LEADER: Many people bristle at the thought that they’re gonna become one of your “followers.” “Really??” My cousin recently told me. “I watched you grow up, a goofy little girl who stuttered and wore “waiting for a flood” pants with your Farrah Fawcett hairdo which by the way you somehow still wear today?  Farrah Fawcett went down the drain in the 80’s, ya know. I should follow you? I’d rather play Simon Says!”

And there you have it. Nine creative reasons why the people in your life want you to delete your blog. And a few more interesting explanations (justifications) would be left in the comment section below, by all my well-meaning friends and relatives — but NONE of them will ever read my blog!

Important Note: if you have real life relationships who genuinely WANT to be the wind beneath your wings with regards to your blogging craft, but they’re not sure how — immediately direct them right HERE because this is brilliant advice authored by a Christine Carter, (a highly supportive cyber friend of mine!) that will guide them on exactly how they can help you and perhaps more importantly, WHY they should help you.

showing-cool-things-to-internet-vs-real-friends-frozen

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/bumble/

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Do You Have Blog Blur? Take This Quiz!

fullsizerender-37BLOG BLUR – noun. The insidious and dangerous blurring of the boundaries between your Blogging life and the real world. “My husband cited “Blog Blur” as his reason for divorcing me. The judge gave him the house”

*Choose the answer that best describes how you feel about the question.

1. When You talk about individuals named,  “LivelyTwist” and “Morning Grouch” and “Surviving Butterfly” and “GlueStickMum” and “Writey McWriteface” and “Bitter Ben” or “Shallow Reflections,”  your family and friends assume you are referring to:

a)  New Muppet Characters that are making a debut on Sesame Street  this week  to teach kids about Feelings

b)  Some very troubled individuals in the new Twelve Step Anonymous program you recently attended

c)  Very real (and talented) Bloggers that you often have communications with

2.  A member of your household lost their job. A good friend recently started a steamy love affair. Your child got a C- on a History exam. A second cousin (who’s a painter) named her newborn baby, “Hunter Green.”  All of these people have this in common:

a) They call you for support, encouragement, understanding or applause.

b) They communicate their latest happenings with you in clever holiday newsletters

c) They advise you that this recent information is copyrighted, trademarked, or patented and under no circumstances are you to blog about it!

3.  When you complain about having trouble with your dashboard, your significant other:

a) Makes an appointment with the Toyota dealer to have the warning lights and the speedometer looked at.

b)  Looks puzzled regarding this new sport of yours and tells you to stick with a snowboard, surfboard, or even a hoverboard.

c) Immediately logs into WordPress.com and says triumphantly, “Well, here’s your problem right here.  You’re blogging too damn much!”

4. A Daily Prompt is:

a) An intriguing word or scenario that motivates you to write a creative new blog post

b) My body’s signal that I need chocolate

c) A note I leave on the dishwasher for other household members that says, “Empty Me Now!”

5.  If someone inquires about Stats:

a) You smile, bat your lashes, and tell them yours are, “36-23-36, of course.

b) You rattle off the number of TD’s, Interceptions, Fumbles and Passes Complete for the Seattle Seahawks and loudly assert they should have won the Super Bowl in 2015.

c) Whip out a computerized print-out, a yellow highlighter, and show the person how many hits your blog is currently receiving from Egypt.

6. Someone asks you to please stop following them. Do you? . . .

a) Apply the brakes and remember that in driver’s training you learned it should be one car length per every 10 mph.

b) Remind them that it’s a free country and if you want to wear skinny jeans with a paisley plaid flannel shirt and a backwards baseball cap, you will.  They don’t have a monopoly on fashion!

c)  Immediately click the “Unfollow” button on your blog.  You’ll show them!  They were lucky you gave them the time of day in the first place.

7.  When someone asks if you are happy with the new Post, you:

a)  Nod and offer to give them the name of the contractor that built the entire side fence around your house.

b)  Tell them, “Absolutely not, the price of stamps these days is outrageous.”

c) Launch into a diatribe about how many drafts it took you and how nobody left a single Like or a Comment.

8.  When you remind your kids to Share, you actually mean:

a)  You’ve given them extra cookies in their lunchbox and they should pass them out to friends.

b)  They should raise their hand and give an opinion when a teacher asks, “Class, what do you think?”

c) “For god’s sake, post a link to my latest blog on your Instagram and Facebook accounts or you’re losing your cellphone for a week!”

9. After you Tag, you:

a) Shout, “You’re it!” or “Gotcha last!”

b) Wipe your fingerprints off the can of spray paint so nobody traces the upcoming election graffiti back to you.

c) Hope and pray that every search engine in the world brings up your blog first

10.  Someone has asked you what kind of Views you have?  You:

a)  Say there are some decent ones from your backyard but your home would be worth much more if you could see the ocean from your bedroom window.

b)  Politely state that neither candidate is fit to run this country.

c)  Spout off an embarrassingly low number but tell them you’re working on publicizing your blog more (even offering prizes!) so you’re sure it will grow to be thousands.

* SCORING: Mostly A’s – Congratulations! You’re able to compartmentalize and keep both aspects of your life in order.  Mostly B’s – Your Worlds Are Colliding just like George Costanza in Seinfeld.  Mostly C’s – You have Blog Blur so bad, even Extra Strength Mindex won’t wipe away your confusion.  GET SOME HEALTHY SEPARATION RIGHT NOW!  (Right after you leave me a comment below!)

Hate me here? But you can still “Like” me on Facebook, can’t you??  Just click HERE!

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/dilemma/

Be a Nice Blogger – – Don’t Spread Blumors!

Have you heard the latest Blossip?  There’s a certain Bleached Blonde Blogger who posts photo-200her black bleather blurbs shorter than mid-bligh and you can almost see her blotch!

In some ways, the blogging world is no different from the real one. There’s an “Online Grapevine,” where often in the blink of a blye, you can be blogsided by a big Bloggermouth;  your Blog blackened, blemished,  bloglisted or even blogcotted forever.

Exactly Like This . . .

Blanche:  Remember “Blaine, the Blunt Blogger Bloke?”

Blaire:  Yeah?  What about him?

Blanche:  Well Blumor has it that he blirted with “Blossom, the Blushing Bridal Blogger” after she got herself a bloob-job and then on their very first draft, she gave him a blog-job.

Blaire:  The Blussy!

Blanche:  They’ve since blended their blogs, trying hard to get blognant.  Finally the Bloctor prescribed blertility drugs and she got blocked-up with Bliplets.

Blaire:  No!

Blanche:  And Blythe, the Bluebonnet Blogstress who does fashion?

Blaire:  Yes?

Blanche:  Was seen blogging in a blazer blouse from Bloomingdales that made her look bloated!

Blaire:  Does she think her followers are blind?

Blanche:  It’s a blunder she doesn’t lose them all!

In order to prevent Blumors and Blossip from spreading, a Blogger must first be able to decipher what’s being said about himself or a Beloved Blogger Buddy/Brother.  Alas, rest easy my Dear Reader  – –  for I have taken it upon myself to become your very own personal Blogger Bleacher (Teacher) and will now offer a Translation to Today’s Blogging Blanguage.

Presenting:  The Totally Incomplete (check back as more will be added) Guide To Blogger Blingo!

Clogger Blogger– – A Dutch dancer who writes a blog.

Blogtose Intolerant – –  A person afflicted with this terrible probloglem gets cramps if they even come within 5 ft of  WordPress.com. Closely related to Irritable Blog Syndrome.

Hitnosis – – Going into a mesmerizing trance as you refresh your Stats page 85 times.

Blogdrop – – To keep mentioning a certain blog that has been numerously Freshly Pressed because it brings one clout.

Everlasting BlogStopper – – Willy Wonka’s new gumball sized candy that Mr. Blogworth tries to steal.

Boogie Woogie Bugle Blogger – – One who types to the rhythm of World War II music.photo-201

Sprog – – A blog that originates in the warmish season following Winter.

Blawkward – – That moment when you hype your blog to someone and you realize they could care less as they overtly Blawn (yawn) in your face.

You Ain’t Nothing But a HoundBlog – – Tune someone sings when a Blogger incessantly sends a “friend” a link to their latest post, after that friend has changed their email address. Twice.

Blaless – – A woman who runs a bare-breasted blog.

A Pot Roast/Post – – Bloggers gather at a banquet to poke fun (often good-naturedly) at both a man’s blog and his wife’s cooking.

A Bleeper Blooper Blanker Blogger – – One who blogs using profanity or frequently substitutes symbols &*%$ so the reader must constantly fill in the blanks.

Bloco – – Means “A crazy Blogger” in Mexico.  But in the U.S., you can order chicken at a fast food place called  “El Blollo Bloco.”

A Past Post Pest – – Someone who keeps “replaying” their older posts again and again, so that each new Follower will read them.

A Blogan – – An advertising bloy (ploy) to blure (lure)  someone to their blog.  Read more about Blogans (Blogs + Slogans) as well as blog-branding, when you click HERE. 

The Father, Son & the Holy Post – – When Daddy & Me time at the computer takes on a religious tone.

A Snotty-Blotty or a Blog-Snob – – One who is hoity-toity and disables their comments to the public, only letting their BBF’s (Best Blends Forever) (who’ve known them since childhood) leave seriously snooty remarks.

Bladder Blogging – – That gross act of multi-tasking when a blogger posts from his bathroom.

Blimp – – This happens to a man’s fingers when he tries to blog in front of a woman he’s just met.photo-203

I hope this Blargon helps you navigate through the Blumor Mill.  But just like in the real world, please use the information you read here for purposes of Good (to put an end to the Blossip)  If you plan on being Bleaky (Sneaky) and using this Blocab (vocab) for ill-will, then leave me a comment and I will make sure to pass it on that you are the “Biggest BusyBody Blogger” this side of the Blississippi.