The Twilight Crone

photo-175This week – – a rare glimpse into the Diary of a Mad, Maniacal, Menopausal Maiden, AKA . . . Me! Before you delve into today’s confidential entry, let me set the proper mood(swing) for you.

“You’re traveling to another dimension, a dimension not only of brain-fog and confusion, but also of mindless minutia and memory loss, a journey into a Midlife Meltdown whose boundaries exceed the imagination. At the signpost up ahead, your next stop – – ‘The Hormone Zone!’” (Cue irritating eerie music and Rod Serling’s voice getting on my last nerve!)

Dear Diary – – Today was averagely efficient. I loaded dirty laundry into the dishwasher, stepped on the gas-pedal thinking it was the brake while driving to McDonald’s where I paid at the cashier window, zoomed right on through the pick-up window without any food (much two my kid’s chagrin) then went home to find the Windex in the freezer where I was looking for some ice-cream, (as a consolation to my kids for their french-fryless existence) which was finally located in the refrigerator doing the perfect impression of Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Soup!

But then Dear Diary, something miraculous occurred! I was given a sign from above that at age 49; I’m to become a mother again. On the kitchen table was a stick from one of those test kits with a little pink holy cross in the results window (somewhat odd for a Jewish girl) but some call this a “plus sign,” meaning a positive pregnancy test! photo-177Never mind not recalling ever taking this test – -it wouldn’t be the first time my memory fails me. But the point is . . . I am with child! I searched online for statistics of women my age who have buns in ovens, and instantly craved Cinnabon. That’s when our home phone rang.

“I’m busy gurgling something important on the Internet,” I informed my eldest daughter.

“It’s Googling, Mother,” she sighed.

“Right! Guess what? I’m pregnant. I found a stick I must’ve peed on and it’s positive.” Patient silence.

“Firstly, You did not pee on a stick. You spit in a tube. Last night, remember? Secondly, you’re not going to have a baby. You have high cholesterol.”

After my disappointment waned (not over losing diapers and breastfeeding; losing eggs and red-meat!) we had our usual conversation.

“Why won’t you save money and get rid of this landline that we’re talking on? After all, you do own a cellphone,” she reminded me.

“Because I need this home phone to call my cellphone. When I misplace it.”

She hung up exasperated.  I immediately called my cell phone.  Eight different times.

In my defense, the ringer was off, making it inaudible. On the ninth time, I found it in the kitchen garbage (more a commentary on my age than the quality of my Android!) but I was thrilled to see eight new voice-mails had come in!

My literary agent? Publisher’s Clearinghouse? My high school boyfriend saying his life has never been the same since dumping me? My kids planning me a surprise 50th?

But all eight recordings were from myself, saying the same thing, “Will you children be quiet while I call my cell? I’m trying to hear it vibrate!” Oh yes, there WAS a ninth caller – – my own mother, (whom I must’ve forgotten phoning earlier with my wondrous news) congratulating me on my pregnancy, but fervently refusing to babysit one more grandchild. Naturally.

Sigh, goodnight Diary.

Submitted for your approval: One Little Miss Menopause – – A very tired, confused, brain-fogged woman destined to keep wandering (for lost items) and wondering (is she pregnant?  Or? )  does she just have high cholesterol? But consider this for a moment in time – – Was there really a home test? Or a daughter? Or a cell phone? Or a McDonalds, a diary, or even a blog that you read at all? Maybe she’s just a mannequin in a store window?photo-176 Or a doll come to life?

We’ve got answers to all your pressing questions in tonight’s very small exercise in Menopausal Mania, whenever you dwell in the “”Once Upon Your Prime” Blog Zone!”

Is Your Memory Lane Paved With Potholes?


“Not only is my short term memory bad, but so IS my short term memory.” – Anonymous (Note: Perhaps author forgot her own name?)

Are you losing it? In order to decide, first you must remember what “It” refers to. Then you must retain your answer without forgetting the original question. I guess it’s obvious by now that “it” means your memory! If you aren’t sure, take the following quiz … But file away the number 18 for a special bonus section at the end.

1. Do you walk into rooms needing someone holding flashcards with prompts of why you came? i.e. “Purse?” or “To make dinner?” or “To have sex?” or “To yell at my kids?”

2. Ever save on monthly entertainment with just one book, one DVD movie and one magazine? Isn’t it wonderful to watch Titanic 18 times, constantly shocked when she lets go of his hand on that wooden board in the icy water!? (PS. He didn’t need to drown – – They both COULD’VE balanced.)

3. When you go to a deli with a friend or spouse, do you ask them, “Is it the pastrami or the corned beef I like here?”

4. Is this how you tell jokes at a party? “A Priest and a bar walk into a Rabbi. Oops, that’s the punch line, only it’s wrong. Pretend you didn’t hear that. And scratch the bar – – they’re playing 18 hole golf. And then uh…what’s another word for a small horse? Oh, right! So then a pony comes over. Or was it a parrot? Alright Honey, you tell it! Never mind, I’ll send you guys the joke later when I refresh my memory on who emailed it to me!”

5. When you hear Streisand belting out, “The Way We Were,” are you grateful for the following famous lyrics? “Memories may be beautiful and yet….What’s too painful to remember, we simply choose to forget.” Yeah, that’s the ticket! We voluntarily forget where we park our car because it hurts too much to recall. Better to get stared at while the security guy drives us 18 miles around the Nordstrom’s lot in his jerky little golf cart.

6. Do you claim your short term memory is worse than your long term memory? Which really means, you can’t recount what you had for dinner OR for breakfast?

7. Do you ever re-gift a present to a friend, then worry she might be who gave you, “The All New Clapper, Chia Pet Snuggie” in the first place? (Relax… she can’t remember either.)

If you answered ‘Yes” to several questions, rest assured you are exactly normal. But if you answered “Yes” to all, rest assured you are exactly like me. But we can still call ourselves normal, if we just conveniently forget what the definition is! So always remember you are NOT alone and there’s strength in numbers . . . which reminds me – – Hmm, next week’s topic might need to be on the significance of the number uh, um, was it 28? Because for the life of me now, I cannot recollect why I asked you to remember it.

See? We can all forget about your test results – – truly I am the one officially losing it!