20 Thoughts I Have Tossing & Turning! (as you sleep soundly…)

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  1. Oh you’re doing that super irritating, sudden jerky movement thing with your body again. Having a dream, I suppose. Must be nice. Could’ve invited me. Of course you have to actually fall asleep to be included! Well I hope it morphs into a nightmare and you’re wide awake. Misery loves company nobody!
  2. Those very capable hands of yours just sitting there useless on the sheets for 6-8 hours every night. Someone should invent a way to harness the energy of a pair of hands for back massages, while the owner of the arms they’re attached to continues sleeping, none the wiser. It could be like a “Snoozing Toll.” Direct compensation to your restless bedfellow who has to just stare begrudgingly as you slumber.
  3. What was that loud noise coming from downstairs? Nobody else is home! I’ll give it three minutes and if the bedroom door doesn’t burst open, then I’ll know I imagined it and mercifully, I won’t wake you.
  4. I could pretend to talk in my sleep and say really bizarre things I could never be held responsible for. And you would never know I’m not really sleeping. Because APPARENTLY YOU ARE!!
  5. I wonder what the statistics are for the number of people who kick or hit others in their sleep?
  6. Okay what was THAT noise?  Two minutes!
  7. There should really be a pillow-flipping mechanism that senses when your pillow is too warm and automatically turns it over to the cooler side. Why is there no app for that?
  8. “You’re under arrest for stealing the covers. You have the right to remain silent. Because every grunt, groan, snore, snort, loud breathing, and sniffle is already being used against you.”
  9. I wonder how many songs there are about sleeping? The only one I can think of is “The Lion Sleeps Tonight.” That seems like an open field for a writer like me to compete in. Ugh, never mind. There’s all these too, right HERE.
  10. How many words can I make from the letters in INSOMNIA? 1.minion 2.mansion 3.amino 4.moans 5. man. Man, this is a really stupid game.
  11. If a tree falls in a forest with nobody around to hear it, does it really make a sound?  If I shout “Sex!” right now in this bedroom while my partner is sound asleep, do I really need to follow-thru? Aristotle and Socrates got started this way.
  12. Maybe this is all a dream and I’m actually sleeping.
  13. Another noise! You are so lucky I’m giving it the benefit of the doubt and not waking you up.
  14. There’s no more lit-up digital clock radio on my nightstand to watch the minutes literally change before my eyes. Gosh, those were the days. “Boy the way Glenn Miller played…Songs that made the hit parade….Guys like us we had it made….Those were the days.” I wonder if the actress who played Edith Bunker really sang that bad?
  15. Look at you. Just laying there. Breathing in. Breathing out. Rhythmic, pathetic fool.
  16. I’m hungry. I’m starving. It might be fun to actually get thrown out of bed for eating crackers.
  17. The downstairs noise has stopped. But I have a good mind to tell you in the morning that you slept through a burglary while I bravely cornered the armed robber with a baseball bat and the police came with loud sirens and now I have a medal of honor for bravery. But you’re just going to the slammer for stealing covers.
  18. What would you look like if I french-braided your hair, drew cat whiskers on your face with my eyeliner, and put a clown nose on you?
  19. Why didn’t I fork out the money for that super expensive mattress where one side stays perfectly flat, but the other side sits up at a 70 degree angle, vibrates and plays backgammon with you?
  20. Some boring one-night stand you are, fellow!  If I wanted to stay up all night alone…I never would have picked you up from that nightclub. Sheesh, lose my number immediately!!

What’s your most common thought when you can’t sleep?

Things That Go Grump in the Night!

photo-297Of course!  Why didn’t I figure this out long ago?  I know how to keep marriages together.   Just not my own.

A Brand New Study shows that people’s sleep styles (and positions) says something significant about their relationship – –  And could possibly be a predictor of long term marital success.   It particularly talks about the proximity of sleeping close with your partner.  A full 94 percent of couples who make physical contact with each other while sleeping, enthusiastically state they are happy in their relationships.

However, there are no statistics that apply to marriages like mine — marriages where one (insomniac) mate makes plenty of physical contact with the other (sleeping) mate.  Using her fists.  And hisses one of the following phrases (or all four at once)  a)  Move over! b) Stop snoring! c) Give me some covers! d) You’re mumbling unintelligibly in your sleep again. . . something about Suzanne Somers, your golf game and our mortgage payment.

The Couple that Sleeps Together, Keeps Together??

And guess what?  Only a mere 2 percent of couples sleep more than 30 inches apart.   How do the rest of you 98 percent touchy/feely types stand it?   With a Human Noisemaker slumbering on a neighboring pillow, sounding off every night at midnight.  I always felt I should put on a pointy party hat and sing, “Should old acquaintance be forgot….” in between all the snoring, whistling, teeth-grinding, coughing, sputtering, fluttering and muttering.

And that was just the auditory portion of the nightly Surround-Sound show.  There was a Tactile element too.  It featured such sensations as: a) hot breath on my neck b) seismic mattress movements, (that made me check our earthquake supply kit the next morning) and  c) getting squeezed in weird, sporadic, jerky involuntary muscle releasing rhythms as he drifted off peacefully, holding my waist hostage.

This Pose would have scored a 10 in the Bedroom Olympics if she had entered in The Peaceful Singles Division.

This Pose would have scored a 10 in the Bedroom Olympics if she had entered in “The Serenity Singles Division.”

Am I the only one who believes sleeping should be a solo (Olympic) event?  You need the entire bed (court) all to yourself to perform the best stunts.  “The Sideways Sleep Sheet Struggle” requires single status.  “The Triple Pillow Flip with a Half Twist” is also best implemented alone, with a pillow slip that’s labeled, “The Cooler Side,” of course.  Even the traditional  “Check the Clock Every Hour to Figure Out How Much Shut Eye You Can Get Before Your Alarm Goes Off” maneuver is not a team event – –  if you want to have perfect (panicky) form.

But never fear – – as always, I have a helpful tool that will offer assistance with your Nightly Nuanced, Nauseating, Neurotic, Narcissistic Nightmare:

Sleep close together . . . and you too, can be this deliriously happy!

Sleep close together . . . and you too, can be this deliriously happy!

Miss Menopause’s Screening Test:  Is the Innocent, Exhausted Woman Possibly  the Problem In Bed – – or is that Thoughtless, Annoying Male the True Likely Culprit?

(Directions:  Take this test “in the moment” (in the still of the night)  Then Answer “Agree” or “Disagree” after each Unbiased Statement.  Always answer loud enough so as to awaken your partner.)

1.   This is the polite way of formulating the following request: “Will you turn off the friggin light and stop reading that stupid “Freakonomics” book already?”

2.  I would never throw an attractive partner out of bed for eating crackers.   But Knuckle Crackers, Jaw Slackers, Pillow Stackers, & Head Smackers (no matter how studly) are another story.

3.  My favorite invention would be a linking device attached to the television remote control.  Every time “he” changes the channel during Desperate Housewives, the thermostat adjusts up (for my thyroid trouble) or down (for my hot-flashes)  by five degrees.

The Couple That Sleeps Together, Weeps Together??

4.  Anything he mutters incoherently, (after I insist he roll over) is grounds for next day interrogation.  I also think it’s fair (after being kept up all night) to claim that while talking in his sleep, he graciously promised to mow the lawn this weekend before taking me out to dinner.

5.  If he is loud enough to be mistaken for a New Year’s Eve noisemaker, it might be interesting to find out what kind of 4th of July firecracker he would make.  Putting a teaspoon of PopRocks in his mouth while he snoozes, is the next logical step to that end.

6.  Sometimes when my mate is zzzzzz-ing away, I get so bored that I drag the dresser bureau, the nightstands, and the bed (with him in it) around in different positions.  I then frantically pull his arm until he awakens, announcing that an Interior Decorator just broke into the house to rearrange the furniture.  And now we need new drapes.

7.  My spouse has two of the most unusually annoying habits.  Inhaling and exhaling.

Look at this photo.  Who is to blame - - Wilma or Fred?

Look at this photo. Who is to blame for Hammock Hell – – Wilma or Fred?

8.  I often politely tell my mate to scooch over just a bit.  Then a tad further.  A trifle more.  And just another smidgeon, yet again.  One last inch, please.  Whoops.  Sorry down there!

9.  “Watching the contours of my husband’s handsome face while he sleeps is my favorite pastime,” said no Wife ever.

10.  After viewing this scene from a famous show (click here)   I feel like he probably had it coming.  I also think twin beds are a wonderful invention.  But twin beds in Twin Cities would be even better!

If you are one of those people who simply cannot relate to any of this Post because you’re a “Cuddly Wuddly Romantic,” (I’d like to give you an UGH!  I mean a HUG!)  and if your idea of a perfect night sleep is having your partner insidiously tightly coiling his/her body around you like a Python snake – – please leave the number of years you’ve existed in your happy relationship in the comments section.  I have a special prize I want to send to my Reader with the longest track record of  Suffocation Strife  “Bedroom Bliss.

 

Good Night, Sleep Tight….Yeah, Right!

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“People ask if I slept well? I always answer, No, I made a few mistakes.” ― Steven Wright, Comic

Are you so exhausted in the morning that you sometimes mistake a certain snoring male body part next to you for the snooze button? (And that’s all the action he gets for the week?) Ever pour orange juice in the cereal bowl instead of milk? Plan a “Girl’s Night In,” — a wild foodfest slumber party, only to find you’re the only one slumbering? I’ve never exactly been a morning person either, but when I hit my mid-forties, nobody dared phone before noon. I even joined the “National Unable To Sleep” club, but had to quit those “N.U.T.S” meetings when they foolishly rescheduled them for 10 am.

Fortunately during a beach walk last month, my best (and exasperatingly perky) friend Tiffany (the name has been changed to protect “the perfect” from the rest of our wrath) pulled out a new quiz from a popular women’s website. “Are you tired of being tired? Do you feel irritable? Tense? Depressed? Forgetful?” She told me to circle my answers. “Who do you think submitted those darn questions?!” I snapped, vaguely remembering tapping on my laptop during the Insomniac Hour. “Well, no wonder it has so many typos!” Tiff retorted, tossing her blonde (grayless!) tresses as she gracefully broke into an effortless sprint, kicking up wet sand that stuck to my face, highlighting the crevices of my under-eye bags and wrinkles. When I have more energy, remind me to make a new best friend. And her real name is actually Anita-Leigh, so there! (Anger Management blog coming soon!)

But on that fateful day, gorgeous “Tiffany” had an epiphany! She heard about a fun, free event called “Wine, Women, and Hormones” where doctors specializing in females who think they are losing their minds (but might actually only be losing their estrogen) give informative, entertaining talks while ladies listen, learn, laugh, and stuff themselves with dry-roasted almonds. Okay, okay, so I was too tired to cook dinner that night. And even though I secretly hoped they would start me on an IV of Red Bull; the wine was wonderful, the feminine energy rejuvenating, and I even found a new sympathetic doctor who understands that whenever someone asks, “What time is it?” the answer is always, “bedtime!”

Now I just have to list my symptoms so I won’t forget them at my next appointment. Then I have to put a sticky on my front door to remind me to bring that list. Then I need a post-it on my steering wheel detailing the location of the sticky. Note to self: Don’t forget to write a blog about memory loss.

Stay tuned because in the coming weeks, I will keep you abreast (word chosen intentionally due to new, unwanted and LARGER bra size) of my adventures into Hormone Harmony and how it impacts my life and those brave enough to stay in it!