Of Lice & Men (a miniature hell!)

FullSizeRender-4Okay, that’s my ridiculous attempt at silver linings and seeing the glass half full. Seriously? A family with six kids gets sent plague #3 ?! There must be an error somewhere.

“Dear God, I would like to apply for the (#9)Darkness or the (#2)Frogs or (#8)Locusts plague instead. Thank you.”

I also find it fascinating that two of my biggest phobias just happen to rhyme. LICE and MICE. I also don’t have great rapport with dry ICE or brown wild RICE either, but that’s another blog.

She’s just a little girl and already I’ve doused her head with Tea-Tree & Lavender Essential Oil, Campho-Phenique, Listerine Mouthwash, and Cetaphyl Cleanser. She won’t even bat an eye when she joins a college sorority and has to go through their hazing phase. On three successive nights I wrapped her scalp in mayonnaise, then olive oil and finally vinegar in the hopes of smothering these critters. On the 4th night I just tossed up a Caesar salad instead.

 Here Are  My 10 Astute Lice Observations After Dealing with this Trauma for Far Too Long.

  1. Close-Up: Whatever you do, NEVER look at a picture on the Internet of a single louse under a microscope. You will either shave your child’s head or send her to boarding school for six months so THEY can deal with these monstrous, grotesque, gargantuan inhabitants.
  2. Machinery: There is something called a LouseBuster which will make you look twice, thinking it says, “SpouseBuster.”LouseBuster It doesn’t but should.
  3. Professionals: There are people who get rid of lice for a price. I amused myself thinking up names for their businesses while I waited for them to run through each individual strand of my daughter’s long hair with a “Nit-onator” comb. The salon was simply called, “The Nit-Picker.”  How dull is that? Might I suggest “The Lice Whisperer” or “Sugar & Spice & Everything Lice.” or “Tip of the Liceberg” or “Once bitten, Lice Shy” or “Breaking the Lice” or  “At Nit’s End” or “Nit’s a Small World After All!” or “Playing Nit By Ear.” or “A No-Win Nituation” or “Laying Nit On The Line.” or “Like Nit or Lump Nit.” or “I wouldn’t touch Nit with a Ten-Foot Pole!” or “Get Over Nit!” and my personal favorite,  “Nit happens!” Gosh, who needs to blog?  I’ll just sit around and name parasitic petulance companies all day long.
  4. Longevity: Because live lice and nits cannot survive without their host scalp for longer than 48 hours, you don’t have to clean your home, you just need to starve it of humans. Move to a new residence!
  5. The Blame Game: Stay in Offensive mode when you report this experience (and you really should!) to the parents of your kid’s friends. Insist that it’s their unkempt child who gave it to your precious tot in the first place. Don’t back down on this one, trust me.
  6. Neat Freak: You will never clean your house as thoroughly as you will after a lice infestation. And by “you,” I mean your spouse.
  7. Facts: According to “Lice Literature” they can hold their teeny tiny little breaths for up to 8 hours. So if the plan is to jump in a chlorinated pool, you’ll need scuba gear. Also, they cannot jump or fly. Now that’s just a bold-faced lie — explain to me how they get on the body part that is the furthest away from the ground? I’ll believe this statement the day lice start colonizing toes and feet.
  8. Paranoia: If you go to your child’s pediatrician for the initial diagnosis (because you’re confused about identifying a nit from a piece of dandruff) and the Dr. suddenly exclaims, “Oh wow, her scalp is just teeming with them. Come closer Mom — let me educate you on what they look like,” and you run from the examination room screaming, “Teeming?? Teeming?! Who SAYS that??” Expect the physician to scribble notes in your child’s medical file about future hereditary mental illness.
  9. Mystery: If you want to capture someone’s attention, walk into Target and ask the clerk, “On what aisle would I find products to kill . . .” then whisper the rest in her ear. Ten people will follow you around the store.
  10. Controversy: If you keep your child home from school, the head-lice have won! Seriously, if you’re sick of reading about mommy/childhood vaccination wars, just write a post saying you sent your kid to school with a full-blown, active case of lice. Save this blog for April Fool’s Day.
  11. Drama:  When the lice problem finally goes away (and it will!) you will be reduced to your best Scarlett O’hara impersonation, dropping to your knees on old shag carpet, holding up the empty casing of a nit while shouting to the heavens, “As God as my witness, I’ll never be itchy again!”

And now since my home is so clean you can eat off the floor, I’m issuing a formal invitation to come for dinner tonight. Just don’t show-up empty-handed. That’s a pest-peeve of mine.


There are Lice Salons where classy coiffed parasites get perms and blow-drys!

There are “Lice Salons” where classy coiffed parasites can get perms and blow-drys!

48 thoughts on “Of Lice & Men (a miniature hell!)

  1. This was great! I was visiting my son several weeks ago in Alabama and saw a building with a sign that said “The Lice Clinic.” I had to do a double take on that one! I asked my husband who was driving (and who is an RN) if I missed something and if lice were now taking over the world? That was a first for me. I had no idea we now have these lice salons!


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  4. Nice you were able to make light of the situation. Perhaps some movie titles too, Nit Busters or Gone with the Nit. Oh, she has lice, well frankly my dear I don’t give a nit. What’s the harm in sending them to school, provided you lather up their head with mayonnaise, tea tree oil and some camphor then cover it of course with a brown paper bag. Then tell him or her to just be nonchalant about the whole thing. I’ll bring some nit soup and of course lice cream for dessert.


  5. Almost a Dr. Seuss yarn here. 🙂 I’m with you Steph, my two biggest fears, lice and mice! I feel for you, but moms have to step up to the plate. You must be wearing your very big girl pants! 🙂


  6. Oh Steph, how I feel for you. I’ve never experienced these itchy little buggers personally this post just made me realize that my grandson could become a victim. Guess I’ll have to invest in a defibrillator because I don’t think I could survive this ordeal without one. I know better than to look at pictures of lice and I so wish I could unremember what dust mites look like. Some things are better left unknown.

    Thank heavens you were able to overcome and develop a witty repertoire. I’ll have to keep this post close by just in case 😉


  7. I once read something about kids getting lice by leaning their heads against the walls of the school. So now whenever I feel myself about to lean my head against a public wall, I freeze. Crick in the neck is better than head lice. Now whenever I hear about lice, I’ll envision you running screaming out of the doctor’s office—humor helps even lice.


  8. Now i’m scratching and itchy……. eeeekkkk. As a hairdresser (retired) I have never seen a real head lice.. eggs yes but not lice which is fine by me… And why wouldn’t they want to go in your luscious
    locks… ?


  9. Ohhhhh, Bunkie! I remember those days. Fortunately, only had to deal with it once. After that I armed the medicine chest with a box of RID, just in case, and never had to use it. Nit picky little b@$$*urds. Certainly fodder for a great piece though. May you remain lice-free for the rest of your lives!


  10. A couple months back, my wife and I went ten rounds with these pesky critters, as we chopped and sloshed our way through our youngest sons hair. It was an exhausting exercise, but we lost a lot of pounds, and our son… a lot of hair.


  11. Also my biggest fear… hasn’t happened to us yet, but we have had the flea infestation from hell. Got a used cat for free (who was scared and spent his first two weeks under my daughter’s bed). By the time he came out, his minions had already taken over. $200 and hours upon hours cleaning later… back to “normal.”

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Lice are the worst!! I worked at a daycare for four years during college and one summer EVERYONE got lice. And bed bugs. And fleas. And pink eye. The positive is that lice like clean hair, so they’re really issuing you a compliment by moving onto your head (or your child’s head). Knowing that, I made it through that summer unscathed by never washing my hair. I made it through without the bed bugs and fleas by taking off all my clothes and getting in the shower the second I got home from work. Fun times.


  13. I tried to think of a witty comment, but i’m left here just scratching my head trying to think of one.
    I hope things turn around for you and head in the right direction. 🙂


  14. Hysterical!!! I love the image of you running out of your pediatricians office screaming! Our pediatrician told me he recommends picking them out, one by one! Like a mother monkey, I suppose. Hang in there!!! “One, lice, three times a lady …”


    • Hey – – so great to make your acquaintance over this silly little buggaboo blog. And I had to laugh since Teemley (which I presume is your last name?) is very close to the word the doctor used with me (teeming) to make me run screaming. Thanks so much for taking the time to read/comment!


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