People despise me. Yesterday I went to my P.O. Box and opened  144 envelopes (addressed to “Little Miss Menopause”) and gasped to find them graced with gobs of glamorous, glinting Glitter. If this was heaven, it sure glistened. In fact, there were enough sparkles for me to make the centerpieces (pictured below) for a big bash I recently threw.  Now if only the rest of the hateful population (the ones I’ve rubbed the wrong way) would send me some sequins, some swatches of velvet and a few glue sticks, I’ll be able to make some “thank you for coming” party favors as well.  With enemies like this, who needs friends?

If you’re feeling a bit lost right about now–you haven’t paid enough attention to the Big News lately.  On Wednesday, a man started a company where (for $9.99) he will Ship Glitter (I made him the custom logo above!) to your Worst Enemies and . . . well you can just read about it here.  But please return to this post and see what I’m planning to send people in the mail.

Yes, messy craft supplies may put some of us in our place, but as a very clever blogger recently reminded me…

“The Pen is Mightier Than the Sword”

Therefore here are the letters I plan to write and send:

To My Publisher

“Thank you for submitting your recent rejection letter regarding my novel.  However, I am returning it to you for revisions. It’s just not what I’m looking for at this time. It contains cliches, lacks originality, and is entirely unsuitable for framing.  Therefore I reject your rejection letter. Best of luck in your future writing endeavors. ”

To My Creepy, Inappropriate Male Gynecologist:

“In light of your conduct during my recent Pap Smear Leer, I’ve spoken with your wife so she can schedule your upcoming “Lap Spear.”  You are long overdue.”

To My Female Tenant:

“You are not only Behind on Your Rent but it seems you Rent Your Behind!  Check today’s Craig’s list. ‘Your’ ad is prominently displayed.  Butt don’t be too bummed out about that – – I’m sending you some  ‘Good Luck Glitter’ to sprinkle on that newly backed venture of yours. You’ll be bedazzled  bedASSled.

To My Child’s 4th Grade Teacher:

“Do you remember the parent conference we had long ago, during which you stated my son would never amount to anything because a) getting him to do assignments was like pulling teeth and b) he was a Smart Mouth?  Well, to show we have no hurt feelings fillings, please visit him at his new dental practice. You know the drill.”

To The Beautician who suggested I dye my hair:

“Check the back of your car.  You have a new bumper sticker.  “Gray is the new Brunette!”  You’re welcome!”

To The Department of Motor Vehicles:

“It’s very flattering you read my blog, but I politely decline the license plate you “randomly” issued me… ‘PMS 247.’  Also because I no longer do dishes, you might appreciate my new license on my Mazda now.

To WordPress Bloggers Who Hate Me For Not Visiting Your Blog Lately:

I apologize.  But let’s trade Glitter for Twitter!  Follow me @MissMenopause

and I will follow you.  To the glitter bitter end.

 

Are you a book or movie lover?  See what I did to your favorite classic on The Huffington Post today. Click HERE.