Ready to Turn the Tables? Here’s Whatcha Gotta Do!

I don’t know about you but I get tired of all the annoyances that go on in our “civilized” society and the protocols and routines I’m expected to adhere to. I think turnabout is fair play and sometimes people deserve a dose of their own medicine. I recommend the following:

Dentists:  Send them a pesky postcard every few weeks saying, “Just a friendly reminder! It’s been six months since you last cleaned my teeth. What’s taking you so long to schedule me? Please call my home because I’m waiting with baited breath for my next appointment!” Also after your cleaning, when they hand you your new dental hygiene accessories in a little festive party favor bag, hand them back a zip-lock baggie with your old toothbrush and some used dental floss as a gesture of goodwill in return.

Restaurants: Bring your own little rectangle tray and when the server sets down her tray with the itemized check, you hand them yours with a little bill that says “Seat-Warmer Fee- $25. Without my presence at your table, this place would take a nose-dive. Gratuity is already included. Thank you for your patronage.”

Physician’s Office: Walk immediately up to the receptionist and hand her your guestbook commanding, “Please sign in.” Then give the nurse a little cup and insist she leave a sample in the restroom.  Ask a Physician Assistant to step on the scale, but don’t allow her to remove her shoes first. Catch the Doctor himself off-guard by rapping three times very loudly on his office door and startling him by calling out, “Hope you’re decent? I’m coming in now!” But first make him wait about twenty minutes. Also before you leave, find every person you interacted with and have them sign forms to protect their privacy and acknowledging the new HIPAA laws.

Department of Motor Vehicles: Distribute a Scrabble letter tile to all employees and announce through a megaphone, “Now serving Letter R.”  Then snap their photo with a Polaroid camera when they’re least expecting it and not anywhere close to smiling.

Theaters: Walk in with a mini-flashlight and immediately greet the usher, asking to see his ticket. Hand him a program which consists of your grocery list for next week folded in half with Act 1 listing all the healthy foods in order of their appearance around the supermarket and Act 2 specifying the junk food you’re actually buying and the commercial jingle lyrics that go with them. Tell him to enjoy the show.

Babysitters: Go to the babysitter’s house while she’s watching your children and eat all her ice-cream, view an R-rated DVD, and rummage through her dresser drawers during the boring parts.

Psychics: Call up the medium and tell her you’re canceling your appointment because you’re getting a strong message from the other side that something very bad will happen if you see her today.

Hairdressers: Sit in the chair and stare in the mirror at the reflection of their hairstyle behind you, asking nosy questions like “Is that your natural color?” and “How often do you condition your split ends?”

Schools: Send your child’s teacher a note saying, “Hi! I’m so glad my child is in your classroom this year. In recent months our household budget has been drastically cut back and we appreciate you sending the following items home on Back-To-School Night to help our family run smoother during the school semester. 1. Five boxes of tissue 2. Six Printer cartridges, color only please 3. King size sheet set, floral pattern in shades of blue 4. Gain Laundry detergent, 42 oz size, original scent 5.  Dozen yellow roses, long stem. 6. Three boxes of Cheerios, Honey Nut flavor.

Telephone Sales: Answer promptly on the first ring when you see their number in your caller ID and say, “Surveys R’ Us. I’m ready to answer all your questions and accept your free vacation to Cancun. My consulting fee for marketing research is $125. My travel fee is triple that and on weekends I require my family accompany me. Which credit card will you be using today?”

Publishers: Send a gentle but firm rejection letter stating, “Gentlemen, I’m sorry but at this point in time your publishing style does not suit my particular needs as an author. I’ve decided to pass on letting you consider putting my novel into print. This is not to say you don’t have potential and I encourage you to keep hoping that I’ll send some of my writing your way — because you never know what the future might bring!”

God: Instead of praying for help, better opportunities, or for the things you need, pray to be of service and to get more opportunities to help those in need.

 

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All That Glitters is Not Gold!

photo-56People despise me. Yesterday I went to my P.O. Box and opened  144 envelopes (addressed to “Little Miss Menopause”) and gasped to find them graced with gobs of glamorous, glinting Glitter. If this was heaven, it sure glistened. In fact, there were enough sparkles for me to make the centerpieces (pictured below) for a big bash I recently threw.  Now if only the rest of the hateful population (the ones I’ve rubbed the wrong way) would send me some sequins, some swatches of velvet and a few glue sticks, I’ll be able to make some “thank you for coming” party favors as well.  photo 2-4With enemies like this, who needs friends?

If you’re feeling a bit lost right about now–you haven’t paid enough attention to the Big News lately.  On Wednesday, a man started a company where (for $9.99) he will Ship Glitter (I made him the custom logo above!) to your Worst Enemies and . . . well you can just read about it here.  But please return to this post and see what I’m planning to send people in the mail.

Yes, messy craft supplies may put some of us in our place, but as a very clever blogger recently reminded me…

“The Pen is Mightier Than the Sword”

photo-58

Therefore here are the letters I plan to write and send:

To My Publisher

“Thank you for submitting your recent rejection letter regarding my novel.  However, I am returning it to you for revisions. It’s just not what I’m looking for at this time. It contains cliches, lacks originality, and is entirely unsuitable for framing.  Therefore I reject your rejection letter. Best of luck in your future writing endeavors. ”

To My Creepy, Inappropriate Male Gynecologist:

“In light of your conduct during my recent Pap Smear Leer, I’ve spoken with your wife so she can schedule your upcoming “Lap Spear.”  You are long overdue.”

To My Female Tenant:

“You are not only Behind on Your Rent but it seems you Rent Your Behind!  Check today’s Craig’s list. ‘Your’ ad is prominently displayed.  Butt don’t be too bummed out about that – – I’m sending you some  ‘Good Luck Glitter’ to sprinkle on that newly backed venture of yours. You’ll be bedazzled  bedASSled.

To My Child’s 4th Grade Teacher:

“Do you remember the parent conference we had long ago, during which you stated my son would never amount to anything because a) getting him to do assignments was like pulling teeth and b) he was a Smart Mouth?  Well, to show we have no hurt feelings fillings, please visit him at his new dental practice. You know the drill.”

To The Beautician who suggested I dye my hair:

“Check the back of your car.  You have a new bumper sticker.  “Gray is the new Brunette!”  You’re welcome!”

To The Department of Motor Vehicles:

“It’s very flattering you read my blog, but I politely decline the license plate you “randomly” issued me… ‘PMS 247.’  Also because I no longer do dishes, you might appreciate my new license on my Mazda now. photo 1-7

To WordPress Bloggers Who Hate Me For Not Visiting Your Blog Lately:

I apologize.  But let’s trade Glitter for Twitter!  Follow me @MissMenopause

and I will follow you.  To the glitter bitter end.

 

Are you a book or movie lover?  See what I did to your favorite classic on The Huffington Post today. Click HERE.