People despise me. Yesterday I went to my P.O. Box and opened 144 envelopes (addressed to “Little Miss Menopause”) and gasped to find them graced with gobs of glamorous, glinting Glitter. If this was heaven, it sure glistened. In fact, there were enough sparkles for me to make the centerpieces (pictured below) for a big bash I recently threw. Now if only the rest of the hateful population (the ones I’ve rubbed the wrong way) would send me some sequins, some swatches of velvet and a few glue sticks, I’ll be able to make some “thank you for coming” party favors as well. 
With enemies like this, who needs friends?
If you’re feeling a bit lost right about now–you haven’t paid enough attention to the Big News lately. On Wednesday, a man started a company where (for $9.99) he will Ship Glitter (I made him the custom logo above!) to your Worst Enemies and . . . well you can just read about it here. But please return to this post and see what I’m planning to send people in the mail.
Yes, messy craft supplies may put some of us in our place, but as a very clever blogger recently reminded me…
“The Pen is Mightier Than the Sword”
Therefore here are the letters I plan to write and send:
To My Publisher
“Thank you for submitting your recent rejection letter regarding my novel. However, I am returning it to you for revisions. It’s just not what I’m looking for at this time. It contains cliches, lacks originality, and is entirely unsuitable for framing. Therefore I reject your rejection letter. Best of luck in your future writing endeavors. ”
To My Creepy, Inappropriate Male Gynecologist:
“In light of your conduct during my recent Pap Smear Leer, I’ve spoken with your wife so she can schedule your upcoming “Lap Spear.” You are long overdue.”
To My Female Tenant:
“You are not only Behind on Your Rent but it seems you Rent Your Behind! Check today’s Craig’s list. ‘Your’ ad is prominently displayed. Butt don’t be too bummed out about that – – I’m sending you some ‘Good Luck Glitter’ to sprinkle on that newly backed venture of yours. You’ll be bedazzled bedASSled.
To My Child’s 4th Grade Teacher:
“Do you remember the parent conference we had long ago, during which you stated my son would never amount to anything because a) getting him to do assignments was like pulling teeth and b) he was a Smart Mouth? Well, to show we have no hurt feelings fillings, please visit him at his new dental practice. You know the drill.”
To The Beautician who suggested I dye my hair:
“Check the back of your car. You have a new bumper sticker. “Gray is the new Brunette!” You’re welcome!”
To The Department of Motor Vehicles:
“It’s very flattering you read my blog, but I politely decline the license plate you “randomly” issued me… ‘PMS 247.’ Also because I no longer do dishes, you might appreciate my new license on my Mazda now. 
To WordPress Bloggers Who Hate Me For Not Visiting Your Blog Lately:
I apologize. But let’s trade Glitter for Twitter! Follow me @MissMenopause
and I will follow you. To the glitter bitter end.
Are you a book or movie lover? See what I did to your favorite classic on The Huffington Post today. Click HERE.
Once Upon Your Prime 
God I’m in the rears here. Buried treasures these. Particularly loved the one with the fourth grade teacher LOL!
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A rejection letter for the publisher: excellent!
You crack me up!
Love the Ship of Glitter, too
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Your letter to your publisher did it for me! Ha, your pen is mightier than his pen XD
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Although the Glitter, i know, is intended to cause the recipient angst… I think I might giggle were I to receive such a bundle… then again, the cleanup job afterwards could put me in a bad mood. 🙂
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oooo – a glitter bomb in the mail … it has sooo much potential!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
… if it goes badly, I hope you’ll bail me out of jail 😉
Very, very funny!
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The letter to the publisher is PRICELESS! May I borrow that line “I reject your rejection”? hehehehe…… ;-))
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Absolutely! Maybe if all us writers started doing that, they would mellow out with their holier than thou attitudes. And we can use that “I reject your rejection” philosophy on so many other issues besides publishing! Thanks Joy!
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I knew I heard about this glitter sending via mail recently. And thank you very much – I almost choked on my gum when I read your rejection of the rejection letter. As a glitter lover my – bring it on.
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Excellent way send a retort and much cleaner than glitter. Very funny. Perhaps you could write a book of letters. How to respond to various situations such as neighbors who block your driveway or even sub in for an attorney now and then. I’ll be looking for that book “See How I Would Say That” but I know you would come up with a much better title.
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“Gray is the new brunette.”
I love this and hope I remember to use it the next time I hear about how much younger I’d look if . . .
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I bet you lay awake nights thinking of these things and then laugh yourself to sleep! I’m headed to the store to buy some glitter — I know just who to send it to
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I did get a few “glitter giggles” from this whole saga. Thanks so much for visiting me here. Love your posts.
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Oh Little Miss, you always make me laugh.
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Thank you for that – – I am glad I don’t always make you nap! 😉
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Great post! It really shines. Or I should say sparkles. 🙂
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Thanks Kind Sir!
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OMG. Where do you come up with these things? You are too much. Very very good letters……I’m sure we all have a few of these we’d like to write, but I think I’d like you to write mine for me!
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A new business! Writing letters to uncomfortable people in your past. Yes, yes….I’m on it! We’ll call it, “Got Closure?”
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Love that!
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I love this.Hilarious, especially the female tenant who ‘rents her behind!’ You are so funny.Will try and find you on Twitter.
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oh good, was not sure how that might go over with folks. Didn’t want people to think my humor “bottomed” out. 😉
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Ha Ha! It is of course, up to your usual very high standard, don’t be an ‘arse’!! 🙂
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Hi Steph. I really love your Blog. You make my day brighter with your humour so I nominated you for the versatile blogger award. http://edwinasepisodes.com/2015/01/17/episode-110-the-versatile-blogger-award/
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ps – – so did we connect on Twitter? Or are we just twiddling our twittering thumbs?
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I have managed to follow you on Twitter;
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And you don’t have my address. Too bad…
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I know – – look at all you could be receiving from me — cherry tomatoes, prize money for your new literary game show, and now glitter!
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Thanks for the beASSled idea – we’ll know who to blame when Kim Kardashian’s backside is covered in nothing but(t) swarovski crystals to her next opening of an envelope.
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From my bottom, you’re welcome. Bottom of my heart, that is. 😉
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Oh Stephanie, I don’t know how you keep doing it…very funny.
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Thank you once again, Miss Morningstar – – you are a gem. (FAR better than glitter!) 😉
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Read your Huffy and have to ask: How’s this for a movie title: The Stink Ain’t Leavin’ (Gone With the Wind).
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Yup…Tale of a family car trip where the parents utilize the window locks. 😉
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Like the license plate letter. My letter to the California DMV would have to have some waiting period. Like they receive an envelope they can’t open for four hours and then it pops open and asks them for information and if they don’t answer fast enough, it reseals itself and start over. Then it would stay sealed for a different length of time and does the same thing over again.
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HA! Good one. Why should we always be jumping through the hoops?
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Seriously, you are awesome! I would love to have even a smidgen of your humor! Keep writing!
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You are soooo sweet – – I’ve missed seeing you around. Everything okay? Happy New Year!
Stephanie
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Yes thank you! Everything is wonderful actually. Happy new year to you as well!!!
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So, you’ve been moonlighting…good for you! Dazzling others with your sparkling wit.
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Moonlighting for free, as usual. But you know how I hate sunlight. 😉 Thank you as always, for your gracious comments!
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I’m glad I could be of use in offering inspiration. As for the glitter, back in the day, I would put glitter all over myself and it was embedded in the floor boards of my apartment. But did I care…no!! Because glitter is never litter!
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You Glitterbug you. That was a sight, for sure.
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Ah, do I detect a fellow daughter of the 70’s? how I miss those sparkly days when glitter glam was always appropriate. Stephanie, I’ll message you my address and you can pop an envelope to me. Shine on!
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Oh absolutely. My favorite decade!!
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Would glitterizing your tenant’s backside be the new bedazzling? Love the letter to the 4th grade teacher…I think we all have a few of those we could address. Following you on Twitter, of course, because more you in my day is more laughter! 🙂
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I’m glad we are connecting on Twitter, glitter or no glitter. Love the new bedazzled comment and as you can see, I will call it “bedASSled!” 😉 Thanks for the inspiration, as always. Email me your address so I can send you a little something.
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Loved the rejection of your publisher’s rejection letter! I’ve spotted you on my blog – sorry to disappoint but a big ‘thank you’ for visiting and for your silent encouragement. Means a lot to me! Have been helping extended family and friends but have decided to concentrate on myself for a change – new year, new me! Watch out for some work from www. My best to you Stephanie. 👏👍
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I do check up on you, Miss Wendy. Missing you and want to encourage you to come back to blogging. Helping others is great but as they say, we’ve got to put our own oxygen masks on first. Oy, I sure do rely on that flight attendant saying a lot! Happy New Year to you and yours!
Stephanie
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You’re good, and so funny. You find the humor in everything, a blessing for sure. If you indeed write book reviews for the Huffington Post, I’d love you to write one for me, re: The Moon To Play With.While humor is your strength, I know there’s a great deal more to, Little Miss! If you’re game, so am I.
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Thank you as always, Wendy. I haven’t tried writing actual book reviews on Huff Post yet. I’m working my way up from parodies, as you can see. But when I do, you’ll be one of the first — still hoping to come to a book signing party when I’m in NYC in May! 😉
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Excellent! Sign me up. New York in May sounds great. Keep me posted.
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