The Write Way To Die.

I killed someone today.  And nobody will ever even know.  Well, just one person, but she won’t tell.  Let me see if I am brave enough to recount it for you.

Mean Girl:  You’re going to turn fifty in two weeks and you think NOW, all of a sudden out of the blue, you can try to make something of yourself with writing?

Me:  It’s not totally out of the blue.  I’ve tried my hand at writing before, you know.  But something always roadblocked me.

Mean Girl:  Something?  Typical.  Gotta have that scapegoat, doncha?

Me:   Well I know it seems like an excuse, but there were kids and divorces and deaths in the family and health issues – – mental health issues you know.  Can you keep that part to yourself, please?

Mean Girl: Hah!  Your children are so easy, it’s not even funny. What do you know of kiddy turmoil?  Good grades, no drinking, no drugs, nothing! And you were a stay-at-home mom, for God’s sake.

Me:  But there’s six.

Mean Girl:  Boo hoo – – try being a working mom AND raising kids.  Try being a widowed wife, working mom AND raising kids.  Try being a widowed wife, working mom, raising kids AND being diagnosed with breast cancer.  Try being…

Me:  I get it.  I see what you mean.  But don’t forget the mental health issues.  Those were hard.

Mean Girl:  Ohhh, right.  All that silly depression.  And your lovely, (most entertaining) thoughts of suicide.

Me:  There is such thing as a mid-life crisis, you know.  It’s legit.

Mean Girl:  You’re just fat, lazy, stupid, and dumb.

Me:  Stupid and dumb = same thing.

Mean Girl:   Google it, you idiot.  The fact that you don’t know the difference just proves how stupid you actually are.  Besides, that part needed emphasis.

Me:  You’re right.

Mean Girl:  Yep, reach for those chocolate chip cookies right about now.  Time to get even fatter.

Me:  I’m not.  I’m going to write instead.

Mean Girl:  Cough, cough.  Oh….My mistake.  I meant that jar of peanut butter.  And when you say “you’re going to write,” you’re using the term loosely.

Me:  That’s really unfair.  Certain people do enjoy my kind of writing.  My humor is . . .

Mean Girl:  So redundantly boring.  Insipid wordplay, cutsey-cheesy-corny titles, unrealistic, inane plots, ridiculous top-ten lists.  But it doesn’t even matter.  Who reads blogs anyhow?  It’s a totally moot point.

Me:  Well, I do have a few more followers these days.

Mean Girl:  Will wonders never cease?!  You know what? Just shove ten cookies in your mouth and call it a day.  Tomorrow you can start fresh.

Me:  Yeah, okay.  I bought some Thin Mint Girl Scout cookies – – they were for the kids.

Mean Girl:  LOL.  Seriously ?  And you’re fooling whom with that “it’s for the kids” crap?  I know.  They know.  We all know.  So eat them, already.

Me:  I could try taking a risk with my writing, blog about something different than my typical humor. Something meaningful to me in a more serious light?

Mean Girl:  I don’t think so, babe.  Even if you dared – – you’ve still got that old-age thing going on.  When are ya gonna do something about that?

Me:  What can I do about it?  Cosmetic surgery?

Mean Girl:  Nah, you’re way beyond that.  But here’s an idea that would kill two birds – – pun intended.  (I know how you love them puns.)  Kill yourself.  And then maybe, if you get lucky, some well-meaning friend or relative will talk up your writing and some of it will get more known, given higher regard. You know the whole “Unrecognized artists who only become famous after their tragic death” thing.  Google it.  It’s real, not an urban legend.

Me:  Yeah?

Mean Girl:  Yeah.  Sound good?  Or too chicken to even go that route?

Me:  Shut up.

Mean Girl:  Come again?  What’d you say?

Me:  Shut up.  Shut the hell up.

Mean Girl:  Oh, it’s getting interesting now.  A  big-talking loser.

Me:   You’re the loser.  What are you, like 15 years old?  Like the Mean Girl from middle school.

Mean Girl:  I WAS born in middle school.  Good job.

Me:  Born at age 15 – – thirty-five years is a long enough life for you.

Mean Girl:  Ya think?

Me:  Die.  Die, bitch.

Mean Girl:  You’re the one who feeds me.  You’ll have to starve me.

Me:  That’s too slow. I’ll put my hand over your stupid ass voice right now and squeeze the life outa you.

Mean Girl:  Yeah. Suffocation. Works every time.  If you have the guts.

Me:  Guts?  I hate your fucking guts. There’s no use for you around here anymore. You. Are. Dead.

Mean Girl:

Me:  There.  How was that?  That okay?

Therapist:  Well done,  Stephanie.  Well done.  It was self-defense.

Note:  This was an atypical posting for me.  My blog is humor based  (with an occasional anchoring of seriousness) so if you need a laugh after this, please see my most recent posting – – about the Academy Award nominated movie, “Her.”  Just click  HERE

159 thoughts on “The Write Way To Die.

  1. Pingback: Interview With a Real Live Mean Girl! | Once Upon Your Prime

  2. Pingback: Are You Out There? I Imagine You Are . . . | Once Upon Your Prime

  3. Pingback: How to Foster a Teen Girl's Self-Esteem | BonBon Break

  4. Pingback: I’m Normally Not Such a Busybody! | Once Upon Your Prime. . .

  5. I wish I would have done this a long, long time ago. Depression has been with me all of my life and she’s a nasty, loathsome and diabolical being who would seek to destroy me. When I think of the wasted time spent listening to the lies and the self-deprecating comments, if only I would have buried her… Thank you for this insightful piece. You are an artist!!


  6. So brave, so true, you are amazing, sadly for my Daughter that bitch of hers has taken over. I regularly try to kill her myself. Some days I frighten her and she runs for cover. I even tried talking her to death( which I have managed to do to a few people…they disappeared) but not this one. Not all doom and gloom though, we do have fun and laughs about that bitch when she is cowering. We have many laughs about the strangest things.


    • Yes, It’s a tough battle. As many already commented, the voice resurrects itself in many different forms. You seem like an amazing mother and grandmother. I just turned fifty two days ago and remain close with my own mother who has seen me thru quite a lot. I’m off to read your other comments now. You do get around fast! 😉


  7. Haha!! Love it!! Die bitch!! Die!! I killed mine off too…. And sometimes there are clones but I killing off the first one makes it’s easier to spot!! Age is only a number! You go!!


  8. Pingback: I Am Now A “Cut Above The Rest!” | Once Upon Your Prime. . .

  9. Wow, what an enlightened post. It’s as if you can actually identify the negative and positive thinking trajectories in your mind. Your positive side says ‘I want to write about humans and the world!’ And the other says ‘You can’t because you’re not good’. The fact that you’re listening and empathising with yourself is such a good thing. It led you to be inspired, to write this and put it out there for people who are like you to get and empathise with themselves. It shows the power of positive thinking because as a result, you chose to think positively and post your writing on the internet and I empathise and understand as a fellow human being. A beautiful reflection and I’m so glad you posted it 🙂


    • What a remarkably kind comment. Thank you so much. Your reinforcing what I did means so much to me. You must work in the field of psychology?

      I actually didn’t do this in front of a therapist as the ending implies, nor did a therapist give me the exercise to do as homework. I was just trying to post some writing one day, and the mean girl was bullying me extra awful – – so I decided to give her a voice. A real one. As dialogue in an actual post. Because then I could stifle her voice. Hopefully forever. Thank you again for empathizing and taking the time to read/remark.


      • No problem, I love empathising because I believe it brings out the good in people and the good in people is the individual unique characteristics – playful, creative, interesting, happy, sad. I’m not a psychologist but like you, I’m a writer so I’m an observer of human nature. All it’s ups and downs. Generally, I like to take a positive message from everything because it makes things easier for me but more so because it makes things easier for others when we understand. It’s what we love about books, film, art in general! Relating to each other. A beautiful thing! I’m only 22 and I have massive ups and downs and massive uncertainty because I’m young and naive but I practice learning from others and celebrating others. It’s such an empowering way to be. Don’t listen to negative voices, listen to positive ones! 🙂 it’s yin and yang. Know your enemy but don’t indulge him. Indulge your friends, what makes you happy.


  10. Oh, what a brilliant and well written post! Kudos to you for killing off that bad character- my own mean girl was born around the time yours was and it’s time for her to go too. Absolutely loved this- you have a new follower 🙂


    • No Truer Words! Thank you for reading, commenting and most of all for taking a moment to thank me for sharing – – it was quite hard to do, but comments like yours make me feel very good about doing so.
      Take care,


  11. loved it, you and I seem to have identical mean girls. I’m not feeling particularly homicidal today, but thanks to your prompt, I think she and I are going to tussle in the near future. peace.


  12. Relieved and shocked! Relieved that the mean girl is not actually a real person, though we all know they exist out there…….and shocked by how awful your own thoughts can be towards yourself. My own ‘mean girl’ is pretty subtle but no less deadly! I really hope she stays dead!


Hark! I'd LOVE to hear your remark . . .

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s