Skip the movie, “Her.” And forget about “Him” too. I’ve got something much better!


photo-214“HER,” the 2014 movie, was up for the Best Picture of the year during this past Oscar’s Awards.  “A man falls in love with the operating system on his computer” – –  An Academy Award winning premise, if I’ve ever heard one.  In fact, I was thinking I would write Part II,  but then decided that Hollywood can keep its futuristic, gimicky sequel starring whatever latest/greatest high-tech invention comes out next.  Prequels ARE where it’s at, Baby!  That’s right – –  I am writing the Prequel to HER.  Before there were computers, cell phones, ipads and Tivo.  I’m calling my movie, “THEM!”

Because why should YOU be monogamous with an inanimate object?

Any good screenplay starts off with great characters and some riveting plot points . . . so here we go!

PLOT

An ignored, unappreciated wife and mother, (Doris) finds the gratification she needs in her male household appliances.

CAST

The Dishwasher – an automatic, erotic, steamy sort of fellow with a very dry sense of humor. Our housewife is immediately smitten by the strength of his (stainless steel!) hard exterior and his commitment to energy saving efficiency.  His hidden Touchpad Controls only add to his mystery, not to mention he’s completely silent when he gets turned on. An added bonus – – he once told Doris that dishpan hands can be very sexy.  “You’re soaking in it~Palmolive” . . .  Mmmm, she could really come clean with him!

The Toaster Oven – – This space-saving appliance is far more convectional than that conventional, crusty old oven. Surely a relationship with him would heat-up consistently and evenly, plus he’d always remember her personal setting preferences. This could be the best thing since sliced bread.  Besides Doris knows which side her toast gets buttered on!

The Crock Pot – – So deliciously slow and steady – –  love could really simmer into a frenzied, bubbling boil with someone like this.  And he accomplishes so much while she sleeps or goes to the office.  My god, who could ever find another man like this?!  And his 2 qts are just as effective as other 8 qts, proving to Doris once and for all that size truly does not matter.  The only thing that’s kinda worrisome is how he once stewed in his own juices when she ignored him for a few nights.  Can he get over that and move on? She could always utilize his temperature probe to ask these probing questions later.  And if he can’t?  Well, Doris thinks that’s just a crock of… Sh#t!

See Doris' Purse.  But where's Doris?  Could be in (with) the bathtub?!!

See Doris’ Purse. But where’s Doris? Could she be in (with) the bathtub?!!

The Microwave – – A lover to turn Doris Inside-Out!  Such an explosive and fiery personality, but she must try to remember his pet-peeve about aluminum foil.  Talk about sparks flying!  And the things they share in common; oh my, it’s endless – – popcorn, pizza, baked potatoes; never eating frozen dinners alone again!  Yes, he knows every single one of her hot buttons and never hesitates to push them.

The Blender – – Ah, what a smooth-talking, masterful, machine man. But get him agitated, and he’ll cut you like a knife. There’s just no mincing words about the complexity of this guy’s features.  He makes quick work of their relationship, getting to the heart of the matter, (especially with artichokes) but he never truly peels the layers of her psyche slowly (like an onion) in that gentle way she craves.  Besides he so often mixes her up, crushing her hopes, and reducing her to an emotional puree – – she already knows she must let go of her whipping fantasies with him.

The vacuum cleaner – What can you say?  Theirs is a push/pull type of relationship.  As a lover, he totally sucks.  And she can’t stand what he does to her bare, hardwood floors. Yet Doris is completely drawn in by his proud, upright posture and some of his maneuvers in the bedroom just can’t be beat.  Oh dear, “beat” makes her yearn for that Blender again.  But just look at the shape of this guy’s can-ister!

The Freezer – – He’s completely off limits.  He once had the nerve to call her, “Frigid.”

The Ceiling Fan – –  A spinning, dizzying type of love.  Doris thinks he’s the best thing for occasional hot flashes.  But like the freezer, he sometimes chills her to the bone.  A cooling off period is probably best for both.

The Clock Radio – – Once upon a time, they made time stand still together.  Such a good time, tuning his stations, cranking up the volume of their love.  Time was of the essence and time flew when they were having fun. But suddenly time stopped.  And then time passed her by.  Because there’s no time like the present.  He no longer plays their song either; just jolts her awake in the mornings with his loud vibrational snores.  What a buzz kill.   Doris actually wants to kill time. But time would tell.  And then she would have too much time on her hands.  Could they save time by having a baby together?  Would that be in the Nick of time?  Could he be Father Time?  Maybe. Because everyone knows Time heals all wounds.

 The Hussy!
The Hussy!

THE PLOT THICKENS!

A very lovely, black baby grand piano comes into the home, showcasing her musical talents. No piano legs on this broad.  She seems to hold the key (all 88 of them!) to harmony for the entire house. Doris is insanely jealous because whenever she plays “Just Whistle while you work,” all the other appliances seem to hum along just fine without her.

That’s when Doris makes a very efficient decision. She quickly writes all the males in the house a note with the mechanical pencil she’d grown fond of.  The men find their “Dear John” letters sitting on the toilet.  The fireplace instantly goes up in smoke over his old flame’s absence, while the Smoke Detector is alarmed at the speed of her departure.  The Coffee Maker thinks it could be grounds for divorce. But it had to happen.  Even the Front Door knows this is an open and shut case, though he still feels a bit unhinged as she slams past him.

THE CLIMAX  

Doris drives off with her husband’s best Car.  He was her back-up plan all along because she knows he’ll steer her toward happiness, while revving both their motors.  They are both so driven towards success, that one big brake is all it takes to make the new movie, “THEM” a Mega Hit (and run).  Just ask Doris, she auto know!

FOOTNOTES:  No Kitchen equipment or devices will be harmed during rehearsals, as the director is a member of the “Appliance Compliance Alliance.”  Please also note that filming for this movie broke down when the Production Studio forgot to pay their Gas and Electric bills, thus necessitating all the actors to go on strike, except for the Piano.  We promise this movie will be repaired  coming soon – – so Look for it in a theater or drive-in near you!

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67 thoughts on “Skip the movie, “Her.” And forget about “Him” too. I’ve got something much better!

  1. This was brilliant! Still laughing and I’m not gonna lie …a little turned on. LMAO. I would so watch this movie…bit of player your Doris…

    she should be careful though …we’ve all seemed Tranformers. Not all appliances are created equal.

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  2. This. Is hilarious. So much shtick! Love it. Dishwasher, Vacuum and piano especially are my favorites. Genius.
    I’d hate to see what the toilet’s like though…yikes.

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  3. The poor blender got a bad rap, since it clearly is female, hence your lack of interest. Now the stick blender could be an entirely different story …

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  4. Oh Man! Now it’s clear what’s going on in my kitchen while I’m at work. No wonder she calls herself the “Happy Homemaker.” Really hilarious work here. Some of your best yet. This deserves to be Freshly Pressed. “Appliance Compliance Reliance.” lol

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  5. Hee! Perfect! 🙂 Couldn’t stop laughing; now my computer mouse is in a huff, since I stopped fondling him and sprayed him with coffee. He’s already jealous of the time my camera gets to spend in my hands… Prissy little dude.

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  6. But what about the coffee maker? That relationship could be really strong and hot, and possibly sweet, but if it cools down, that could be grounds for divorce! 😉 I don’t know how you come up with these clever lines, but you never cease to amaze me. This is definitely one of your best and funniest posts! Great job!

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  7. …Hollywood can keep its futuristic, gimicky sequel starring whatever latest/greatest high-tech invention comes out next.

    LOL, Stephanie. You know that film and TV has long fretted over the implications of humans loving technology too much. If you look up the Wikipedia article for this film, the “See also” section lists a few, and includes music and computer games in the mix, and the mythological story of Pygmalion, too. It would seem that most of the storytellers, however, are really questioning the quality of our relationships, and sculputers, machines, and the like are just the focal points to what distracts us from that quality. Why did the characters fall in love with non-human things? Because their human relationships were already lacking.

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  8. “Them” rings a little of “Invasion of the Body Snatchers”. Definitely brilliant move writing the prequel. The first character could have some very sudsy scenes. I can actually picture this as a movie, but that’s just me. Dazzling funny as long as something doesn’t short circuit.

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      • You bounced back beautifully.

        I went back and read what you wrote yesterday. If you ever go dark like that again, I’m right there with you. It was a piece that gave a lot to the reader.

        It was dark humor and invigorating. There’s something about this age (around 50, I’m around there), that invites all the crushed dreams and the demons who did the crushing back in.

        Better than a class reunion, we invite them back, offer them all drinks, and then kill what crushed our dreams. Then watch as the eyes of our dreams widen with delight and begin to bloom.

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