The Write Way To Die.


I killed someone today.  And nobody will ever even know.  Well, just one person, but she won’t tell.  Let me see if I am brave enough to recount it for you.

Mean Girl:  You’re going to turn fifty in two weeks and you think NOW, all of a sudden out of the blue, you can try to make something of yourself with writing?

Me:  It’s not totally out of the blue.  I’ve tried my hand at writing before, you know.  But something always roadblocked me.

Mean Girl:  Something?  Typical.  Gotta have that scapegoat, doncha?

Me:   Well I know it seems like an excuse, but there were kids and divorces and deaths in the family and health issues – – mental health issues you know.  Can you keep that part to yourself, please?

Mean Girl: Hah!  Your children are so easy, it’s not even funny. What do you know of kiddy turmoil?  Good grades, no drinking, no drugs, nothing! And you were a stay-at-home mom, for God’s sake.

Me:  But there’s six.

Mean Girl:  Boo hoo – – try being a working mom AND raising kids.  Try being a widowed wife, working mom AND raising kids.  Try being a widowed wife, working mom, raising kids AND being diagnosed with breast cancer.  Try being…

Me:  I get it.  I see what you mean.  But don’t forget the mental health issues.  Those were hard.

Mean Girl:  Ohhh, right.  All that silly depression.  And your lovely, (most entertaining) thoughts of suicide.

Me:  There is such thing as a mid-life crisis, you know.  It’s legit.

Mean Girl:  You’re just fat, lazy, stupid, and dumb.

Me:  Stupid and dumb = same thing.

Mean Girl:   Google it, you idiot.  The fact that you don’t know the difference just proves how stupid you actually are.  Besides, that part needed emphasis.

Me:  You’re right.

Mean Girl:  Yep, reach for those chocolate chip cookies right about now.  Time to get even fatter.

Me:  I’m not.  I’m going to write instead.

Mean Girl:  Cough, cough.  Oh….My mistake.  I meant that jar of peanut butter.  And when you say “you’re going to write,” you’re using the term loosely.

Me:  That’s really unfair.  Certain people do enjoy my kind of writing.  My humor is . . .

Mean Girl:  So redundantly boring.  Insipid wordplay, cutsey-cheesy-corny titles, unrealistic, inane plots, ridiculous top-ten lists.  But it doesn’t even matter.  Who reads blogs anyhow?  It’s a totally moot point.

Me:  Well, I do have a few more followers these days.

Mean Girl:  Will wonders never cease?!  You know what? Just shove ten cookies in your mouth and call it a day.  Tomorrow you can start fresh.

Me:  Yeah, okay.  I bought some Thin Mint Girl Scout cookies – – they were for the kids.

Mean Girl:  LOL.  Seriously ?  And you’re fooling whom with that “it’s for the kids” crap?  I know.  They know.  We all know.  So eat them, already.

Me:  I could try taking a risk with my writing, blog about something different than my typical humor. Something meaningful to me in a more serious light?

Mean Girl:  I don’t think so, babe.  Even if you dared – – you’ve still got that old-age thing going on.  When are ya gonna do something about that?

Me:  What can I do about it?  Cosmetic surgery?

Mean Girl:  Nah, you’re way beyond that.  But here’s an idea that would kill two birds – – pun intended.  (I know how you love them puns.)  Kill yourself.  And then maybe, if you get lucky, some well-meaning friend or relative will talk up your writing and some of it will get more known, given higher regard. You know the whole “Unrecognized artists who only become famous after their tragic death” thing.  Google it.  It’s real, not an urban legend.

Me:  Yeah?

Mean Girl:  Yeah.  Sound good?  Or too chicken to even go that route?

Me:  Shut up.

Mean Girl:  Come again?  What’d you say?

Me:  Shut up.  Shut the hell up.

Mean Girl:  Oh, it’s getting interesting now.  A  big-talking loser.

Me:   You’re the loser.  What are you, like 15 years old?  Like the Mean Girl from middle school.

Mean Girl:  I WAS born in middle school.  Good job.

Me:  Born at age 15 – – thirty-five years is a long enough life for you.

Mean Girl:  Ya think?

Me:  Die.  Die, bitch.

Mean Girl:  You’re the one who feeds me.  You’ll have to starve me.

Me:  That’s too slow. I’ll put my hand over your stupid ass voice right now and squeeze the life outa you.

Mean Girl:  Yeah. Suffocation. Works every time.  If you have the guts.

Me:  Guts?  I hate your fucking guts. There’s no use for you around here anymore. You. Are. Dead.

Mean Girl:

Me:  There.  How was that?  That okay?

Therapist:  Well done,  Stephanie.  Well done.  It was self-defense.

Note:  This was an atypical posting for me.  My blog is humor based  (with an occasional anchoring of seriousness) so if you need a laugh after this, please see my most recent posting – – about the Academy Award nominated movie, “Her.”  Just click  HERE

159 thoughts on “The Write Way To Die.”

    • Laughing at that question !! Yeah, I’m just a “gun for hire” now! 😉 Seriously, try it and see how even just exposing “her” makes her cower. Write it down. Post it! Thanks for the support and your comment. Take care and visit me again, please?
      Stephanie

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  3. I seriously find this piece of writing one of the only one’s who resonate with me the most, i was sucked in and loved it 🙂 Amazing writing. reminds me of the arguments i have daily whilst i try work on my novel amazing depth i ❤ it

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    • Your compliments are like flowers on the grave of my Mean Girl (can you believe I actually felt I owed her a burial?!) Seriously, thank you for saying that and for the notification that you reblogged. It’s so much appreciated and maybe someone else will do the same thing and we can all be just a little freer in our lives, yes? yes!
      take good care,
      Stephanie

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  5. Loved this! “If you hear a voice within you say you cannot paint, then by all means paint and that voice will be silenced.” ~ Vincent van Gogh And for those of us who don’t paint sub “write.” I do knew one of those mean girls once (or more) in my lifetime. 😉

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    • Thank you Sherrie Squared! (Sherrie To the Second Power?) Seriously, thank you. Those mean girls breed and multiply faster than you can say “Well, Bully for you!”
      I so appreciate you taking the time to read and comment.
      Tae care,
      Stephanie

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      • Great post! I’m not an aging woman :), I am a 36 year old dude, and I really appreciate your bravery. I have just killed off my ‘mean girl’ as well… Happy free writing!!!

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        • That was very funny! Thank you for commenting, but somehow your comment posted under another person’s – however, my “nice girl” is determined to personally thank you so I hope this message finds its way!
          take care 36 year old dude,
          Stephanie

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  16. Oh my god, I gave birth to this same mean girl in middle school. Only she pushes me to eat Doritos and tells me I have terrible hair. You on the other hand have wonderful hair.

    I love your blog–I used to talk to the little paper clip guy in MS World while writing papers in college and grad school. He was so much nicer to me than my mean girl. I’m sad he’s gone on my new version. And I, too, stop the microwave on 1 second, but I know it’s because I hate beeping noises.

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    • You’re hysterical. Our mean girls are twins only yours has a thing for salt? I can’t thank you enough for reading my About page – – I didn’t think people did that. Can’t wait to come explore your blog….I can tell the sense of humor is the same!
      Stephanie

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  20. This is great. I’m a 20-something male but I still find myself relating to this with my own recent self-doubt struggles. It literally does feel like an additional person/presence. I certainly enjoyed the concept behind this article – thanks!

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    • You have no idea HOW much I appreciate someone who isn’t “an aging woman” telling me that they can relate to this, too. Not that misery loves company (okay, she does. Maybe I gotta murder “Misery” next!) but just knowing I am not alone and guys do this too. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment!
      Stephanie

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  21. I have had this same conversation with myself a million times. Thanks for this post. It was beautiful. Just knowing that we are all infected with a mean girl that needs to die is a really fun way to frame this issue. As I was reading it occured to me that God made me to be just like I am, and that i should be PROUD of that fact, and celebrate my weaknesses as well as my strengths.
    Thanks for sharing. I loved this post!

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    • Here, Here to that! And thank YOU for sharing THAT with me. I love how you put “PROUD” in all caps!! As several have remarked already, she could reincarnate and live again but you better believe, I’m just standing here waiting. Smash! Take good care and please visit again.
      Stephanie

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  22. Well done! I love this kind of exercise! The part about the titles, lists and plots etc. sounds especially familiar.

    I love shining the proverbial light into proverbial dark places to scare out the proverbial beasties. Have you ever noticed how little light it takes? Just a candle’s glimmer illuminates an entire room. Only the bold can dare to venture to such dark places, though. I commend you for your courage. ‘Tis easier to pretend to muffle the voice than it is to listen to it, challenge it, and make it dumb, meaning permanently silent (you were wrong about stupid and dumb meaning the same thing. I’m glad you made her dumb instead of vice versa). I’m glad you weren’t chicken about taking the Mean Girl’s advice about killing two birds with one stone, with her being one of the birds.

    I’ve gotten to know you so well, i figured out who the mean girl was between the time I saw the notice in my Inbox, and the time that I landed at this page. I get a gold star! Or an oldy moldy one.

    At the risk of being wishy-washy, I recommend positive affirmations as a talisman to ward away Mean Girl clones, relatives and other buddies. A void will be filled, so you might as well fill it with what you want. You can take over the role of ventriloquist. I hope you can declare that the Catty Mean Girl has exhausted her nine lives.

    Even with such armor in hand, I have found that the Mean Girl is often followed by more attractive, apparently sensible variations, like the lovely wise old crone turned wicked old witch, or the wispy willow of the girl we always wanted to be but were never good enough to become.

    I greatly enjoy your kind of writing. I’m glad you are hitting that Publish button so often. I wonder what’s hiding in your private drafts. I hope you’ll let them speak! Then we can play the part of your therapist and tell you how well you did.

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    • If I didn’t have Grace, I don’t know what I’d do. (sorry, no more Grace puns!) Seriously, Anyone reading these comments – – Look at her! She says the best things ever. So visit her blog and follow her! Grace, I actually made an edit based on you pointing out that Stupid and Dumb mean different things. Luckily my inner critic was already stone cold dead or she woulda beat me up over the fact that you had to bring that to my attention. Your last paragraph in your comment almost moved me to tears. Seriously, I have a lot of frightened drafts that are scared to see the light of day.
      Big Hugs my Bloggy Friend,
      Stephanie

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      • I HOPE HOPE HOPE HOPE I am not part of the Mean Girl Club by pointing out the stupid/dumb thing. I REALLY didn’t mean to offend, or provoke an edit. The Mean Girl got meaner! I’m sorry for giving you food to feed her. I’d rather give you ammunition to blast her and her club-members’ heads off so they can stop blocking the stone cold door to your other seedling posts.

        By the way, Stephanie, you really must stop sending me such exorbitant bills for promoting my blog. (it’s working, though)

        I noticed that in 101 comments, no one is commenting on the suicide word, so I must. Big hugs to you, dear. I’m really glad you are here.

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        • Re: your last paragraph just now — Thank you so much, Grace. It seems it takes someone with your keen insight to read between the lines of my blog and know what’s what. Thank you. Really.

          As for the other – – don’t give it a second thought. I love piggy-backing off comments to modify my blog. Follower’s say the BEST things and I wish I had thought of them first. In fact, I just edited the ending of my most recent post (a Parody on the movie HER) because a follower made a witty remark I couldn’t ignore. That’s how it felt with “Dumb & Stupid.” Make sense? Much love back, Gracie!

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  25. This was so different and very brave to write! It was definitely a little creepy in a good way! We all have those inner voices at various times and need to keep silencing them. I couldn’t help, however, of thinking of Glenn Close in “Fatal Attraction”….when you think she’s dead, she pops up with that knife. You, me, everyone…may have to kill the “mean girl” off a few times during the course of our lives.

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    • Thank you! That’s a great analogy. Actually just opening up and writing about it, knowing I was going to publish the piece publicly, dismantled “her” quite a bit. She thrived in secrecy and shadows. She got exposed right before I squeezed the life outa her! She may have an “Evil Twin{ sister hiding still, though – – 😉 I’ll be waiting!

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  26. I LOVE this! Being able to identify your own distorted thinking is such a difficult thing. I think killing it off is even harder. It’s usually with us for such a long time that it becomes something we work around not through, it’s a part of us. What are we capable without it completely???? I hope you murderous rampage works for you and you can let me know.

    Love how you came at this.

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  28. Certainly sharing the inner struggle many of us can go through was a bold move and I commend you on doing that here. It was nice to see you triumph over the invalidating teenage voice inside and break through. Love your humor and Love you completely.
    Believing in yourself and shedding the doubts, very nicely done. You have such talent and so much to share. Looking forward to seeing much more.

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  29. I’m proud of you, not just for doing away with that mean girl, but having the courage to share with us her existence in the first place. Very brave. As for turning 50 in two weeks, you’re not alone, I face that milestone in two months. I bet the whole experience will turn out to be the time of our lives. And I look forward to reading all about it.

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    • Hey you – – it was ridiculous how long my finger hovered over the “publish” button. But hearing someone like you saying they’re proud means a great deal so I am glad I didn’t just save as a private draft, (my original intention!) Let’s turn the world upside down at 50!!

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  30. This made me cry. You have no idea how much this helped me today. I am going to do the same exercise right now. Thank you for being brave and putting yourself out there. Especially the part with the cookies. And congrats on turning 50. It’s a brand new beginning.

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    • Thank you very much. By the way – – I made this up, there was no therapist involved. I just don’t want people to think they need to get into therapy to try something like this. It was very cleansing. Take good care of yourself.

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  31. It’s perfect. Thank you for prompting me to get over here and digest this. I’m so sorry you don’t see me all the time. I have all kinds of horrible excuses why I’m not reading more writers as much as I should be.

    This was great. Now I need to ask you a favor, just in case you have lingering doubts about any choices you want to make for the rest of your life… https://www.facebook.com/james.altucher/posts/10151917845155636?stream_ref=5

    Please keep writing. Write your ass off. Until your soul bleeds.

    A whole bunch of healing happens after that. *hugs*

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    • Matt – – such a great thing to see your face here, even if I did sorta summon you! Did it feel like going to the principal’s office? Heading to that link you posted right now. But just wanted to let you know I sent my ex-husband to your blog. Thank you and hugs back.
      Stephanie

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      • Not at all! I want everyone to ask me to come read something. I want you to want me to care. It means a lot.

        I don’t not read others’ work because I don’t care. I just get extraordinarily distracted with my own life because I’m a selfish person, Stephanie!

        I hope you liked the Altucher piece. I think it’s a really, really good one.

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        • You’re so great Matt, to flat out just say that. I’m pretty sure I am your female counterpart in the selfish “but what about my own life” category, but (it was on YOUR blog that it first occurred to me, actually!) I realized when I make the effort to go read others, then I (me! me! me!) get something (from THEIR writing) that I cannot ever give myself. So win/win.

          The Altucher piece is extraordinary. Thank you! I am about to share it on my own facebook.

          ps. Your line above, “I want you to want me….to care” may be some discarded lyrics from my fave Cheap Trick song!!

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  33. Thank you for this. It was brave to share and we can all relate. My most favorite author EVER said in a rare interview, every time she begins to write a new book (which are ALWAYS NY Times Best Sellers) she hears doubt and she thinks, “what makes me think I can do this?” We’re our own worst critic. And as my mom so perfectly says, “We’re all broken.” Amen!

    I am thrilled you started this blog. Thank you.

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  35. Aww… that probably wasn’t easy to write, but I bet it felt good to give that evil inside person a swift well deserved kick. Go you! ((hugs))

    PS! Loved the fading yellow of the mean voice. Nice way to end.

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    • Than you so very VERY much. I just now re-edited and added a Strikeover to the yellow mean voice. It needed more blotting out! This was super scary for me to hit “publish” on and people like you make me feel good I did.
      Take care!

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  37. THIS is wonderful. The contrast to your usual material is partly responsible for the impact. But you have NAILED the two distinct voices – the smarmy, nasty, deadly mean voice and your cool, capable, and clearly I’ve-reached-the-end-of-my-patience-shut-up-and-die- already voice. On top of all of that, you have put yourself out there, have taken the courageous step and have masterfully given of yourself to your readers. I truly appreciate that, and I thank you. Well done, Stephanie.

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  38. I have similar dialogue from my o-dark-thirty days in college. Maybe I’ll drag them out someday. (O-dark-thirty is still when I do my best writing.) If I suffocated the voices (yes plural) in my head, though, I’d have no one to talk to. Are the devils I know better than the stillness of silence? You bet ya. :>

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  41. I totally loved this. At first, I was like….what? Who would talk to someone this way? And that’s when it hit me. We wouldn’t even talk to our worst enemy like we talk to ourselves. Really powerful for me. Thank you.

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  42. This was really interesting. A big departure for you from your usual clever humor. I kind of had that same feeling I had when watching the movie, Sixth Sense, where it suddenly dawns on you that he’s dead. It suddenly dawned on me the Mean Girl was you! And actually that did not happen until you said, “I was born in Middle School.” Also, I really liked the subtle thing you did with the color font after “you kill her.” She fades to yellowish font and says nothing more. Nice. I let my wife read it and she completely related. Don’t give up your clever humor for this but nice change of pace every so often. Very versatile writer.

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    • You’re the only one who noticed the color font change. I really appreciate a guy taking the time to comment like you have on this. Do men have the same running, chatter in their heads? I’ve always wondered. Thank you again.

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  45. I didn’t get it at first, but it became very clear to me towards the end. I think it is brilliantly written and a sad commentary about the challenges, struggles, and demons that we all face from our worst enemy…ourselves. Great job!

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      • My Dear Darling, I just kept hearing Vivian Leigh’s voice while reading this. If you haven’t watched her in “A Streetcar Named Desire” please do. My all time favorite play by Tennessee Williams and she is superb in it. She’s so fragile in the film that she could be easily gone with the wind (pun intended) after opening those windows in that house she was staying in :). You are going to appreciate the play about a “wilting” Southern belle who is loosing her mind because she is reaching a menopause.
        And on the side note, who doesn’t want to watch young Marlon Brando shirtless, sweaty and full of sexual rage, who? I just kept hearing them both say the text you just wrote :)! Fun, fun, fun :)! Keep writing! Love it!!!

        P.S. I just love seeing you busy with your writings. You inspire me ;)!

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