As a convenient service to my readers, I occasionally take online “How To” articles and expand on them so they’re more accurate. This will enable you to better accomplish your goals, (which let’s just suppose for today is, “How To Have Better Phone Sex!”) in a more expedient manner.
See, I’ve got your number. And you’re welcome!
This article was originally from Wiki How and can be found HERE with outrageous graphic illustrations that depict a woman getting ready to . . . uh, shampoo her hair??
Let’s Begin! My additions will be in red font and will luckily include much more than scintillating dialogue like this:
“What are you wearing?”
“I don’t know. What are YOU wearing?”
PART 1 (The Introduction)
Phone sex is a great way to spice up your sex life, whether you’re doing it because your partner is far away, (does the kitchen count?) because you’re not ready to have other kinds of sex together, because you just want to try something new, or any other reason like needing to have unique blogging material. To have great phone sex, you need to let loose, stop being self-conscious, (yes, remind yourself the phone probably hasn’t shaved its legs in weeks, either) and be ready to get turned on, no matter how silly you may feel at first. (“Silly” probably wasn’t the adjective you were feeling, but now that “Silly” has been mentioned, you probably cannot help envisioning how “Silly” the phone below would look on your partner’s ear)
If you want to know how to have phone sex, just follow these very easy steps. Hmm, shouldn’t one of these steps be very Hard? At least for him?
- Set up a phone date. While it’s true that, as with any other kind of sex, phone sex can “just happen”, the session is more likely to go well if you’ve planned ahead, especially if it’s your first time doing it together. There is probably a ready-made invitation you can send from evite.com but make sure the RSVP info is clear. You do not want to be stood up for this particular activity. And will it be potluck or catered? If you do not have a special someone already to have phone sex with then you could try a phone sex chat line number such as 1-888-392-5412. Yes, although this phone number is just one digit off from the As Seen On TV “Hurricane Spinning Kitchen Linoleum Cleaner” so be careful because instead of dropping your drawers, you’ll just be mopping your floors.
- Pick a time when you’re both alone and free to let your inhibitions loose. (Extremely wild inhibitions may do better abiding by local leash laws.) Your plan won’t work if you’re rolling around in bed, feeling hot and heavy, (hot, as in hot flashes? Heavy, as in that extra 25 lbs?) while your partner is shivering in the rain outside the library. (Your partner is intellectual enough to visit a library, but not intelligent enough to take shelter inside during a storm?)
- If your partner is new to phone sex or feeling unsure, consider sending them this article, or reading it together. If your partner is already a phone sex expert, then send ’em my blog on I Hate Hugging. They’ll feel blessed to have you as a partner instead of me!
- Don’t forget that you can always discuss what you’d like to do during phone sex before you start. Great point. How about designing a personalized menu for both of you to choose from? i.e. Let’s say his name is Gus. You can order up a side of Steamed AssSpareGus. You get the idea.
PART 2 (The Setting)
Let loose and get in the mood. It will be difficult for you to enjoy yourselves if you feel tense or Silly, (oops! There’s the mention of Silly again. Now you’re thinking about this . . .)
So before you call, do whatever you need to do to get yourself comfortable and feeling sexy. If you’re the one in that pouring rain outside the library, get a seductive looking umbrella.
- Let loose: Lie in bed for a while, (browse the internet, have a glass of wine, jog on the spot, do some singing and silly dancing in front of the mirror — anything that will allow you to release the tension from your body.) If you keep your drapes open for all the jogging, singing and dancing, you may not have time for any phone sex since the neighbors will have beaten you to the telephone. They’ll call the asylum.
- Get in the mood: Setting up a sexy atmosphere can help put you in the right frame of mind, so consider doing whatever you’d do to prepare for any other kind of sex. Here are some ideas:
- Tidy up your room and make the bed (this was written by Merry Maids, Inc.)
- Turn off lights, perhaps set up some candles (nice touch if you forgot to pay the electric bill)
- Play soft music (Actually your cell might already have just the perfect melody programmed into itunes or some other app, but you’ll never know unless you get your phone turned-on.)
- Have a bath or shower (and a shave, if you like) Yes! Poor hygiene is a real hot button. Your mobile device is very dialed in to this issue and you don’t want to push its buttons.
- Put on (or take off!) your favorite, sexiest clothes and underwear. I have nothing to add.
- Set out a sex toy (Be careful that it’s not another battery operated gadget because your cell phone may feel jealous and possibly even replaced. You could convince your phone that this is actually for a ménage à trois. However it may not fall for this trick since it’s a Smartphone.)
- Turn yourself on by gently caressing your body, or thinking about your lover, or imagining sexual encounters you’ve had or would like to have… but don’t let yourself get too turned on just yet — that’s what the phone call is for! Definitely don’t get too worked up! It’s much better to stay in that Silly frame of mind (mentioned numerous times earlier) so your partner will sense your arousal when you finally quit singing, “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” and stop dancing like Dick Van Dyke.
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As ABBA said, “Ring, ring, Why don’t you give me a call”.
That top photo gives new meaning to “putting your ear to the ground”. Might as well put the ground to your ear, if you don’t want to get dirty.
How convenient that phones are now hands-free.
I like your menu idea. I wonder what else you might put on it.
My favorite part of the WikiHow How To Have Phone Sex article was the end: “We could really use your help!” specifically, “Can you tell us about Harvard Business School?” I’ll bet that their students could tell us a lot about phone sex 🙂
I’m going to turn on my phone now 😉 I do like to push its buttons 😉
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ABBA, lol!! Forgot about that!! Top photo remark…. Priceless!! And hands free phones– how did I leave that out?? Oh Grace you always do win the Best Remarks ALWAYS award!! Can you do me a favor and visit this post and give him a thrill with one of your glorious comments? https://inmyclutteredattic.wordpress.com/2015/03/04/only-641-words-is-it-15-minutes-yet/comment-page-1/#comment-238
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I’d do anything for you dear… Deed done! Next?
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No good deed goes unrewarded! Big hugs and thank yous from me – – I’m sure you made his day. He’s a sweet guy. I’ve been wondering about you and writing – – are you ever going to try out a writer’s conference or a retreat? I would love to meet up with you at one. We’d have a BLAST together.
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I looked at retreats listings, and then moved my laptop to my dining room table. I set up a comfy chair nearby. I see out windows on 3 sides of me in either seat, and love the views. I have all the foods that I love to eat. Why leave home?
Now, a conference…that’s different. I love conferences and look forward to finding one when and where I want to go. I’ll let you know.
I’m starting another writing MOOC. I’ll tweet it to you.
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Hmmm, you seem to certainly have this dialed in. With all the new apps out there it would be easy to step it up a notch with video. Certainly if you had a smart phone wouldn’t it know to switch the ring setting to strong vibrate or perhaps pulsed setting. I believe if you are on a party line that would constitute and orgy. Of course some of your readers may still be dating so wrapping your phone in saran wrap, could that be considered safe sex? Terrific piece you have here.
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Party line = orgy. Ha Saran Wrap….you’re on a roll!
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Oh, I became quite good at this when my boyfriend and I were going through our long distance period of our relationship. Guess I’ll just have to settle for the real deal now 😉
Loved the bit about the smart phone too! ❤
Michelle
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I want to comment, but I got nuthin’…maybe for part three. 🙂
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Pingback: Phone Sex . . . Your True Calling? (Part 2) | Once Upon Your Prime
Love your advice although I would be no good at phone sex. Probably set fire to the bedroom by knocking over the candles I’ve lit to set the mood, Having the Fire Brigade barging into your burning bedroom rather kills the mood somewhat. Then again,everyone loves a man in uniform….you never know your luck!
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Tee Hee!
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Oh it’s the giggle of “One Who Knows.” 😉
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I’ve never tried phone sex, and now i know why haha. 🙂
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I know, right? Who preps this much for something unless you’re a surgeon?!!! Thanks so much for commenting.
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I love your thoughts highlighted in red.. perfectly done and now I’ll feel dirty talking on the phone to anyone today.. Thank you.
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New thrills abound everywhere! So good to hear from you. Thank you!
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Well, this was so good (Merry Maids) I just feel so dirty.
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Clean up your act, Paul!
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That’s why I went out and hired Merry Maids, so that they could wash out what I have left between my ears.
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By the way, I tried to reach you last night. But your 1-900 number had been disconnected due to non-payment. I was so desperate that finally I called 1-900-PSY-CHIC. The woman I talked to was very helpful. Said that the cards said I was getting addicted. I needed a different routine to release the tension. Perhaps reading a crystal ball might do or channel some Neanderthal named Wilbur. And when I say Neanderthal, I am not speaking metaphorically. I did email the psychic your pic. She said you had a nice aura for someone your age. So thanks. I do have to tell you that she sounded a little like you when I talked to her on the phone.
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“For someone your age!” oh you Sir are skating on thin ice here. 😉 This was funny in a very odd, quirky YOU sort of way.
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It wasn’t me who said that.
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Hey that would make a great title song: “In a very odd, quirky you sort of way.”
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Write it, then call me and sing it, baby.
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By the way I absolutely love the glasses … 🙂
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call me! 🙂
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Very funny. Nobody needs to call you. They merely need to Read You.
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well I am surely flattered … and awake now! 🙂
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Indeed, perhaps yet I am a visual gentleman … 🙂
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This cracked me up 😀 super!
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Oh, I’m so glad!! Thank you.
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I’ll need to let go of a few of my “hang ups” before I can heed your sage advice… 🙂
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Clever girl.
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Phone sex? I thought that was done on a retina screen…
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I don’t even know what that is. But maybe I should find out if that’s my true “calling.”
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A good start Stephanie. I think we need to also think about what happens when you’re mother calls on the either line and you choose not to answer so then she starts texting, wondering what you’re doing, if you hurt yourself or died or something and then when you still don’t answer she had your brother call…
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I think somebody Else has already given quite a bit of thought to that scenario!! 😉
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I have no idea what you’re talking about.
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Oh, of course not. Give your friend the message that these things always happen with Jewish mothers.
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Okay, so maybe a different set of directions for girls…I mean people with Jewish mothers…please??
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This poor desperate friend. Tell her help is on its way….;-)
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Oh yesss!! Um…I mean, I’m sure she’ll be very happy.
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You are so cute.
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You will need to cellphones. One for your phone sex and one for Mom. So the conversation can continue during your meeting with mom.
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She’ll probably find the other number. Jewish moms are very good this way…
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LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!
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I think that is the name of a superhero: Jewish Mom.
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Um… any chance you’d be willing to phone this in?
(Great stuff, Stephanie!)
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Always an honor when you stop by, Ned. Glad you didn’t give me too much static on this topic. 😉
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It’s always a pleasure, Stephanie! Besides, for some reason this topic just spoke to me…
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LOL
Merry Maids. LOL
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I know, right? I had to keep it clean at some point.
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This doesn’t work if you have an old crank phone like I do. It’s embarrassing to be kicked off the party line. Before they booted me they said I was creating a “dull” tone. Lol funny post! 🙂
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HAHA! Gosh, party lines – – that must’ve been something for nosy housewives. An eavesdropper’s delight! Wow! That’s getting me more turned on than phone sex. 😉
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