Therapist: Before we begin I want to stress that anything we discuss remains in the strictest of confidence and will not be spoken outside of this room.
Captain: Or turned into childish lyrics and sung on bicycles. Am I clear?? Tooot, tooooooot–
Maria: Oh spare me your whistle, Captain.
Therapist: Tssk, tssk . . . control issues. So what can I help you folks with today?
Captain: How do you solve a problem like Maria?
Therapist: Hmmm…Anything you want to tell us, Maria?
Maria: Perhaps I had a wicked childhood. Perhaps I had a miserable youth.
Therapist: But somewhere in your youth or childhood, you must’ve done something good?
Maria: Well, nothing comes from nothing. Nothing ever could.
Captain: And that’s just about what this session is worth.
Therapist: Now, now Captain. Your wife tells me you aren’t very supportive of her creative household frugality.
Captain: Ya think? Nobody needs to wear window coverings just to military march around the house.
Maria: But the children. They just want love. Please just love them, Captain. The children.
Captain: Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.
Therapist: I’m sorry but that’s not a line of yours, is it? It’s not anywhere in my notes. Let’s save the Rhett Butler nonsense for later. He’s my next client, actually.
Captain: I said that to make a point. Sometimes I think she’s crossed over from the Gone With the Wind set – – they also have the Drapery/Dress Recycling thing going on. It’s like she’s taken Scarlett O’hara and Maria Von Trapp and blended them together.
Therapist: Could that be true, Maria? Do you think you have Transblender tendencies?
Captain: Haha, it was just a joke. Let’s get down to the serious issue, shall we? Whenever Maria is unhappy, she threatens to run away — go back to Abbey. Now, I don’t know who this Abbey person is, but I suspect it’s short for Abigail and my wife secretly likes girls.
Therapist: And how does that make you feel, Sir?
Captain: Haha, gotcha again. Kidding!
Maria: Honestly Georg, you’re so juvenile. It’s like I have an eighth child. You are 16 going on 17.
Therapist: Have you ever considered hiring a governess? To relieve the stress.
Captain: Ah yes, some pretty sweet young thing with a penchant for playing the violin.
Captain: Fraulein, you will remember yourself!
Therapist: Who says that anymore? Is that even a thing?
Maria: Well, it’s time for prayers. God bless the Captain, Liesl, Friedrich, Louisa, Brigitta, Marta, Gretel and . . .
Maria: Gesundheit and bless you . . . err, I’ve forgotten what you’re called. What’s your name? Well God bless What’s-Your-Name.
Captain: OMG. Look, is there any hope for this relationship? With a woman who has a severe phobia.
Therapist: What are you frightened of, Maria?
Maria: The hills are alive . . .
Therapist: Now we’re getting somewhere. But I’m afraid that’s all the time we have for this week.
Captain: Don’t you have any quick advice for her to conquer this fear? We may need to hike through the Alps one day.
Therapist: Of course — here’s a memorable tip . . . “climb every mountain!”