I was going to end with Part 1 (avoiding future awkward moments for my readers) but many people phoned insisting I finish what I started. Of course most of those callers were my daughters referring to their baby scrapbooks.

Begin the call!

Once you have your partner on the phone, take things at a speed you’re both comfortable with. There’s no “correct” way to have phone sex.  However there is an incorrect way! Don’t put your partner on hold each time your persistent Jewish mother calls worried about your “health.” Here’s the fix: Tell her beforehand you’re keeping your line clear for a prominent physician to call. She’ll be so busy humming, “Matchmaker, Matchmaker” she’ll forget about you for hours.

• If it helps you relax, spend a few minutes chatting before you get started… just don’t let yourselves get distracted from your sexy goal.  I like to sing, “Happy Birthday, Mr. President” to bolster my confidence and to see if blondes really do have more fun?
  
• A low, soft tone of voice or heavy breathing can help set the mood, but don’t force it (if you have asthma, get your inhaler) Speaking comfortably in your normal tone of voice will be sexier than an awkwardly forced attempt at sounding sexy. In fact sometimes doing the opposite can break the ice for both of you.  Do you do a mean Rosanne Rosannadanna impersonation? Now’s the time.

• How much you miss them, or wish they were with you (if  your partner leads with this, best to confirm it’s not a wrong number.)
• What you would like to do if they were with you (Refrain from saying, “Call your mother up so you can explain why she’s not welcome at our house for dinner anymore.”)
• What you’re wearing and how you look in it  It’s a huge turn-on to be assertive so instead of asking them the usual insecure question, turn it around into a confident “I” statement. i.e. Insist,”I know these jeans DO make my butt look fat.  Yes, they absolutely do!”  If that seems to get a rise out of them, you can berate and discipline them ala Fifty Shades of Grey. “It’s your job to tell me! Don’t you roll your eyes at me!! How could you let me go out like this?  OMG, I oughta strangle you. Would you like that??”  Mmmmmm, they would. . .
  
• What you’re doing at the moment (Feel free to skip this part. They’ll never hear you filing your nails over your loud moans.)
• How you’re feeling about starting phone sex (avoid any synonyms to “Silly”)
• Recount how many items went missing in the last load of laundry, causing sorting and mating footwear to be difficult. Oh wait, that’s Phone Sox.

• Escalate into sexy talk. (If you tend to loose your footing on moving staircases, Elevate into sexy talk instead.)  Once you’re feeling comfortable, try getting bolder with your descriptions. A good approach is to describe these 3 things:
• What you’re doing: Describe how you look and the way you’re touching yourself. Be raunchy but coy! (Just don’t say, “Maybe we could do it in a Koi pond some day. Wouldn’t that be raunchy?”)
  • Ask for “advice” — for example, “should I start playing with my underwear?” (“White underwear that turned pink in the wash yet again, I kid you not! Any advice on that issue?”) Shhh, not the laundry again!  That’s only erotic the first time around.
  • Tell them what you’d like them to do, if they’re willing. (Would they be willing to buy you a Porsche? No? Bargain with them. How about just a down payment on a Honda Accord?)
  • Don’t feel bad if you’re not comfortable touching yourself — you can still let them know that you’re enjoying simply listening to them.  Or say enthusiastically, “I couldn’t wait to touch myself. And guess what I discovered? My purple nail polish is nearly dry!”
• What you’re imagining: This could be, for example, what you’d like to be doing with your partner, or a moment from great sex the two of you experienced in the past, (make sure their recall skills are just as sharp as yours however, or you’ll be arguing whether you were the person on top during an Alaskan cruise or a Mexican holiday.
  • You might want to start out slow: begin with tame descriptions like “first, I’d stroke your hair. Btw, did you ever try that dandruff shampoo I bought you?” or “I really like the way your chest looks in a T-shirt”, (just not the one that says, “I’m with Stupid.”) before moving on to steamier things like “then I’d kiss your neck” or “remember when you did that thing in the shower?” And after that, we never had another clogged drain again!
  • As always, how explicit you get, and how quickly, is entirely up to you. Seize the control, baby! 
• How you’re feeling: Describe the physical and emotional feelings you’re experiencing as a result of what you’re doing and/or what they’re saying.
  • Moaning is a great way to communicate. However, there’s no need to to do this if you’re uncomfortable. You can start with just letting your breath go at first, to help encourage little moans into louder moans. I think there’s a MPH (Moans per Hour) formula but I’m not sure. Moan Multiplication is complicated if your mouth math skills suck.  You could moan to the 10th power and then divide by the square root of 9 and call it a day. If you’re more right brained, Musical Moaning to Michael Jackson’s Thriller can be equally as effective.
    
  • Let them know when they’ve described something you particularly enjoyed. (Nordstroms, Tiffany’s, Neiman Marcus. This is called Foreplay storeplay)  Likewise, don’t be afraid to tell them when you don’t enjoy something — it’ll allow the two of you to move on to something else that you’ll both find enjoyable. Have a judging system like they do on ‘So You Think You Can Dance.’
    

 What Comes Next!  

• Masturbation and orgasm . Mutual masturbation and orgasm are excellent additions to phone sex, but they’re not a requirement by any means. No worries. Just like a new driver who starts the ignition and idles in the driveway the whole entire day. It’s all good.
  • Don’t feel bad if your partner doesn’t join you in masturbating. If you don’t want to masturbate alone, ask them before you start if they’d be interested in joining you? Don’t make a sales pitch. You’re not telemarketing.  Besides, they may still harbor resentments from you demanding they leave the warm bed you share together and heading to the phone booth around the corner so you could try phone sex.  Likewise, they shouldn’t get anxious if they start masturbating and you don’t want to — you’re not obligated to join them. What do they think they’ve formed? A Mutual Masturbation Coalition?  Just enjoy listening to them pleasure themselves.
  • Don’t worry if one or both of you never reach orgasm. Think of it as the icing on the cake, rather than the goal of the exercise.  However, they may have achieved their goal so quietly, (or your ears may be failing at your age) that you didn’t hear them. In situations like this, it’s permissible to say, “Was that what I thought it was?” Warning!  Don’t say, “Come again?”  
  • If you reach orgasm before your partner has, never hush all the way up!  Brush up on the lyrics to “The Sound of Silence” by Simon & Garfunkel and serenade them. Or continue talking, describing what you’re feeling and imagining. You might want to say, “Well, I imagine you might want to come back home now?” if it’s still raining outside.
   
• Finishing. The point at which you decide to stop is up to you. There’s no need to wait for orgasm or until you’ve built hotels on both Boardwalk and Park Place. However if you can’t discern if they’ve reached their climax (because it’s all sounding the same right about now) you may want to have an agreed upon signal that they are indeed “complete.” Walter Cronkite signed off with, “And that’s the way it is!” but I think you can do better.
  • There’s no rule as to how quickly you should end the call after finishing off. Some people prefer ending the call as soon as their breathing has gone back to normal, whereas others prefer to stay on the line and chat. Just don’t say, “Well, I hate to eat and run but….”
  • Let your partner know how much you enjoyed yourself before you end the call and that you’d like to do it again soon.  I once said, “Don’t call us, we’ll call you.”  (That didn’t go over very well.) Good Luck readers!

If this doesn’t work out, and a divorce looms in your future, I’ve got you covered there too with my brand new article on Huffington Post today right HERE.