Category Archives: Blogging Humor

Blogging For Fun & Profit! $1 Per Pun? C’mon . . . Get Off It!

My conference badge and blog biz card. I ordered them for free, thus the cupcake motif.

My conference badge and blog biz card. I ordered them for free, thus the cupcake motif.

The big Buzzword at the recent 2014 BlogHer conference was “Monetize!”  There was a distinct glamorization of those “Professional Busy Career Bloggers” who earn dollars versus the rest of us “Hobbyists” who play a couple rounds of “Bloggy” in between washing and drying the dishes.

Everywhere you looked in the Grand Ballroom of the Convention center, you’d spy hundreds of circular white-cloth tables filled with starving writers, (and not necessarily for scrambled eggs!) confidently passing their Blog’s business cards to one another, along with the butter.

An empty table at lunch? They must all be out making lotsa money on their blogs!

What? An empty table at lunch? They must all be out making big bucks on their blogs!

“Don’t ever write for free!”  OR  “Make your words work for you!”  AND  “Your Blog is Your Goldmine!” were quotes tossed around in every lecture, workshop or keynote speech, as we women linked arms and nodded passionately, our self-esteems and sense of worth skyrocketing in a frenzied crescendo with every success story told. If a picture is worth a 1,000 words, what could each 1,000 word post on our blogs be worth??

We were then unleashed into the Expo arena where hundreds of sponsors and vendors in colorful booths promised us lots of Swag.

“But how many pairs of velvet Drapes can I possibly hang up in my living room?” I asked my newly introduced blogger friend.  Swag?  Maybe they would teach us how to walk and talk cool?  After all, possessing “Swag,” was something my teenagers always aspired to have.  But it turned out “Swag” was none other than “Stuff.”  Lotsa stuff.  And there were even “Swag Hags” — women who hoarded all the free products, prizes, samples, and merchandise they could Snag into their Swag-Bag so they could Brag, which was actually kind of a Drag.

The idea was to hype these products/companies on our blogs so everyone profits.

Somebody got addicted to "wheel spinning."

“Somebody” got addicted to “wheel spinning.”

You could spin a wheel to "Win Swag!"

You could spin a wheel to “Win Some Swag!”

This is unnecessary Swag for someone who bites their nails when nervous.

This is unnecessary “Swag” for someone who bites her nails when nervous.

“But I don’t want my “Once Upon Your Prime” site to turn into a commercial advertisement?” I lamented to my new dollar-eyed friend who suggested discreetly weaving a promotion into one of my typical daily posts.  Oh sure . . .

Hey Readers! Today I woke up with a “Sorry Dear, Not last night, I had a headache,” pounding in my forehead. But thank goodness on my night table was a bottle of Tylenol Extra Strength caplets – – the painkiller hospitals use most.  “All day strong, all day long.”  Next I slid into my Levi jeans because quality never goes out of style.  Then I proceeded to pop some Pillsbury cinnamon rolls into the toaster since nothing says lovin’ like something from the oven!

Um, No thank you!

Instead I set about thinking up alternative, creative ways my everyday writing could make some money.  The best place to start was close to home.

 Little Miss Menopause’s Ideas of How to Monetize Everything In Sight With What You Write

1.  Grocery lists.  They can have a catchy title, a byline, a tell-all exposé  kinda feel, with an unpredictable twist ending!  i.e. . .

Walmart’s Worthwhile Witticisms

by Little Miss Menopause

  • 1/2 lb Wild caught salmon (Mercury in our fish supply is killing America’s Families!)
  • Loreal Preference Fade Defying Hair Color (Friends speculate – – Can Botox be far behind for this mundane housewife?
  • Chips Ahoy cookies (Can I fool the PTA into thinking they’re home baked?)
  • Kitty Litter (and our cat died 8 years ago . . . how’s that for a cliffhanger??)

2.  The scrawled messages I scotch tape to my kids sandwiches when I pack their backpacks. 

“Have a great day and good luck on math test!”  Copyright 2014  $12.95

DAUGHTER:  Mommy, why is there a price tag on the note you wrote along with my peanut butter & jelly?

ME:  Sorry, Sweetie.  But haven’t you ever heard, “There’s no such thing as a free lunch!?”

3.  Love Note to my Guy Traced in the Dust on His Car Windshield

BOYFRIEND:  “How come it says “Simon & Schuster’s Brand New Release” after “I love you” on my Honda?

ME:  Oh I get it.  You’re implying my stuff isn’t good enough for a big, traditional publishing house?  I should just stick to a small press.

BOYFRIEND:  Publishing?  Huh?  And why are your romantic sentiments a dollar cheaper in Canada than the USA?

ME:   Aha!  I see.  You think I should just give it away for free, don’t you?  “A man will Never buy a Hardcover book if he thinks he can keep getting paperbacks from his local librarian!!”

(Looks suspiciously at me, as if he knows I’m rehearsing for a soundbite.)

BOYFRIEND:  (sidling up to me) Well, can she be the kind of librarian who whips off her nerdy glasses, let’s down her prim hairdo, then becomes Va Va Boom Sexy Lexi and jumps my bones?

ME:  Never mind that.  My writing is worth a lot. You’ll see.  And who the hell is Lexi??

4.  The Baby Scrapbook I Diligently Kept.  Hey, it didn’t write itself, ya know?  My firstborn was a colicky character, therefore this was an amazing Best Yeller Seller with five subsequently written Page Turning Sequels.  You’ll simply drool (just like the six-month-old protagonist did!) over the “Learns to Crawl and Walk Early!” chapters.  Ladies Home Journal says, “This is a Must-Have series for anyone’s private bookshelf collection!”

5.  Any Recipes (that I haphazardly jot down onto note cards and manage to file) for fowl.  Top dollar for all my Rock Cornish Game Hen, Buffalo Chix Wings or Grilled Chix Tenders recipes.  Hey, we’re talking Classic “Chick Lit!” here.  Well-read females ages 28-42 eat this stuff up!

6.  All hand-written notes to teachers – – (Market as Tear-Jerker Mysteries)

Please excuse Eliza from P.E. today as her menopausal mother washed her white gym shorts with the red bath towels.

7.  All letters cleverly composed from the Tooth Fairy, Santa Clause, Easter Bunny, and any “Congratulations on Your Straight ‘A’ Report Card, You Just Earned a Trip to Disneyland plus $10 a week extra allowance!” greeting cards. (market as Fairytale, Fantasy, Folklore, and the last one as Humor. Note:  Distribute “Buy one, get 2nd half-off!”coupons under pillows and X-mas trees.

8.  All Forms I tediously fill out daily – –  This includes all paper work given to me on Physician Clipboards, Insurance Claims, Income Tax Filings, Driver’s License Applications, Job Resumes and Sweepstakes Entries – – From here on in, these get touted as my newly released Suspense/Thriller/Horror novels.  Stephen King has nothing on me, baby!  (Bonus Section will include dedications and acknowledgments. i.e.  “The author wishes to thank Dr. Spanky, the best gynecologist ever, for always warming his speculum.”

9.  Misc Notes:  Clearance Sale! New markdowns on all written material that gets tacked on my front door for Gardeners, Babysitters, Neighbors, and the Postman!  UPDATED SPECIAL:  I will be holding autographed signings Monday Nights at Barnes & Noble bookstore for my highly acclaimed, “Sorry I hit your back bumper.  Can you call me so we can settle this for cash?  My husband will kill me if our premiums go up” Post-It Stickies.

10. Witty Facebook/Blog Comments & My Funny Texts:  These go for a premium now.  Have you any idea the time I spend leaving remarks on my friend’s Facebook alone?  Sheesh!  My brilliant Op-Ed pieces will go for top dollar.  But day-old, “Nice pic” Or “Many happy returns” snippets are now 25% off.  As for the days when I opt to text you – – haven’t you heard?  I’m a Syndicated Texter now (read here!) and it’ll cost you $19.95 for the first 40 characters.  PayPal will be graciously accepted.

But just as I gleefully began to add up all the money I would be raking in from the above 10 Real Life-Writing Monetization Ideas, I encountered a major glitch in the system. Family and Friends have now informed me of THEIR new policy — For anything I write from here on in, a steep Reading Fee will be instituted.   Seems they think their time is worth something, too.  Hmmph.   I guess we’ll just always be a Break-Even Household.

Tempting, very tempting....

Tempting, very tempting….

At night, signs like this appeared by the elevators, inviting you to "After Hours Parties." I was afraid I would stumble into the "Twilight Blog Zone" so I went straight to my room instead.

During BlogHer conference evenings, signs like this appeared by the elevators, inviting you to “After Hours Parties.” I was afraid I would stumble into the “Twilight Blog Zone” so I went straight to my room instead.

 

My Submission blown up pretty big because it was 1 of 25 Voices of The Year in the Humor category.

My Submission was blown up pretty big because it was 1 of 25 Voices of The Year in the Humor category. Thank you BlogHer!

 

Everyone else had nice, classy blog biz cards.

Everyone else had nice, classy blog biz cards.

I'm 5 ft. 6" so this thing was definitely tall. To ship it home cost hundreds of dollars. :-( It coulda made a nice doggy barricade.

I’m 5 ft. 6″ so this thing was definitely tall. To ship it home cost hundreds of dollars. 😦 It coulda made a nice doggy barricade.

 

Blunt? Bland? Blatant? Blissful? What Blogger Style do you fall in?

Pen and Ink or Calligraphy Blogs like this are coming back in vogue, so you should strengthen your fingers!

In exactly one week I will fly out for the big BlogHer conference.  Always nervous in new situations, I call a phone number for general questions and (supposedly) if I tell them my interests, they’ll make sure I’m seated with like-minded people.  Like-minded people?  I don’t mind people, but I don’t exactly like them either.

Hello!  This is BlogHer and you’re on speakerphone with Blanche and Blaire.  We’re The Bloggsey Twins!

Me:  Hi!  My name is Stephanie.

Blanche:  Oh.

She sounds disappointed.

Blaire:  Never mind her.  Stephanie with an S?   We were expecting another group of bloggers calling from Biloxi.  Blanca, Blythe, Blossom and Blinda.

Me:  You mean Belinda?

Blanche:  No, she dropped the ‘e’ to make it work.

Me:  I see.  Well, it’s really Blephanie.

Blaire:  Bl-awesome!  What can we do for you?

Me:  I was hoping to find out exactly what will happen this weekend and maybe sit with women I share common interests with.

Blanche:  You’re interested in blogging, right?  You’ll be just fine.

Blaire:  C’mon Blanche.  Seat her with the “Need to Knows.”

Me:  The Who?

Blanche:  We try to group by personality types.  The “Need to Knows” are control freaks and like to have an advanced detailed agenda.  And obsessively clean.  They could literally eat off their toilets.

Me:  Oh definitely don’t sit me with them, please.

Blaire:  Well, describe your blog.

Me:  I write humor.

Blanche:  Oh, A Niche Bitch.  Put her with the Niche Bitches.

Me:  Well I don’t confine myself to only humor.

Blaire:  Well, lemme ask you this….Do your readers ever find themselves NOT laughing?

Me:  Mostly all the time.

Blanche: (whispering)  Shove her in the back row.  I just saw her Gravatar photo.  Nobody will ever be able to see anything over that big hair!

Just then I hear another voice, whom they introduce as Blabette.  She offers to send me their “Blow by Blow, Blogger Blorganizer” which outlines their odd assessment of the different Blogging personality classifications.  This is what I see:

CATEGORIES OF BLOGGERS

The Blogcrastinator —  They will find every reason in the book to justify not having anything to do with Blogging.  From housework to headaches.  They’ll even post about why they cannot post.  The really desperate ones resort to citing “Sexual Conflict” as their excuse.  (Note: Because they talk a good Blogging game, they make good Phone Call Receptionists for BlogHer)

The “Don’t Applaud Cuz I’m a Fraud” Blogger – – Don’t believe in themselves and are petrified that others will find out they’re masquerading as Bloggers.  They generally blog about vacuums because they think they suck.  If they get a nice comment, they go all Sally Field.  “You don’t hate me.  You really don’t hate me?”

The Blah Blogger – – Wishy-washy, afraid to make a statement, and begins every sentence with “Perhaps.”

The Bloggert Braggert – – Lists all their many Chain Awards prominently in their Menu and conducts surveys or takes requests on what you would like to see next on their blog.  Their ABOUT page reads like an acceptance speech at The Oscars.  (Note: Don’t seat near the Fraud Bloggers)

The Frogger Blogger – – In an effort to not be boxed in, they jump all over the place with subject matter.  They also leap to conclusions, choose green as their background color, and beg to be kissed.

The Blues Blogger – –  Their keyboard needs Prozac.  Their followers are suicide hotlines.  They categorize and tag their posts, “Armageddon, Cancer, Save Your Soul.” And that’s on an upbeat day.

The Bloated Bladder Blogger – –  Hypochondriac writers.  A scintillating post for them would be “Candid Conversation for Convincing, Cajoling, Coercing, Coaxing a Companion into Colonoscopy!”

The Badger Blogger – – They miss that Persuasive Essay assignment from high school.  From fashion to politics, they are correct and you WILL see it their way.

The Voluminous Vaguely Visual Blogger – –  “A picture births a thousand words.”  They insert media graphics and pray the photos will tell their story for them.

Note:  All other Blogger Types not mentioned above, we’ll just stick on the outdoor lawn with speakers.

Not seeing myself described here, (although Colonoscopy is a frequent request I’m asked to write about!) I call back in a panicky sweat.

After I hear my “Bosom Blogger Buddies” identify themselves once again on speakerphone, I practically hyperventilate . . .

Me:  Hi again, it’s Stephanie with a Bl.  I was just thinking – –  Couldn’t I just sit with you nice ladies?  What category type do you both fall under?

Blanche:  Oh, we’re in a league all our own.  But, unfortunately we’re not able to attend the BlogHer conference.

Me:  Why not?

Blaire:  Blanche here has too much housework and I’ll be having a migraine and a sexual conflict.

Disclaimer:  The above represents absolutely nothing accurate from the real life BlogHer committee, staff, judges, attendees or keynote speakers.  I’m sure they’re a lovely group!

 

 

 

 

 

A Parody with Pecularity and a Little Familiarity!

Last night, a Candlestick didn't sing to me, but my Writing Equipment did croon a little tune. Sorry Disney!!

Last night, a Candlestick didn’t sing to me, but my Writing Equipment did croon a little tune. Sorry Disney!!

“Be Freshly Pressed!”

(To the Tune of “Be Our Guest!”)

Ball Point Pen (melodically)

Be Freshly Pressed, Freshly Pressed,
don’t be nervous, it’s not a test,
Just have a catchy title, Cherie
and a hook that’s been finessed.

Scoop du jour! It’s not your nerves,
Wordpress Daily Prompts have tricky curves.
I write the Play stuff, it’s fictitious,
Don’t believe me? You’re suspicious.
I can pun, I have fun, I hit publish when I’m done,
After all, a post can never be too over-spun.
As a blogger, it’s not good to be second best
So go on, use my drop-down menu,
Take a glance, and then you’ll….
Stay abreast
With how I’ve professed
To sleep at my desk, till you’re Freshly Pressed.

Desk Lamp (solo spotlight)

Cliched Clams!
Quotation Quiche!
Dry but Juicy Hacked Hashish!
Shut up! – –  we’re not here to overeat.
Don’t you know we have a quota to meet?

Computer (harmony)

With Other Bloggers, don’t compare,
But Yes, they do have better flair!
Writer’s Block!  Now you’re scared!
It’s just your souls about to be bared.
Everyone’s gloomy and complaining,
‘Cuz all your Readers expect entertaining…
So I write jokes, post good pics,
With my fellow literary chicks.

Keyboard & Mouse (duet)

And it’s all in questionable taste, that you can bet!
Come on and get off your ass,
You’ve won your own free pass, to Be Freshly Pressed.
If you’re stressed….
It’s mass Googling we suggest!

All Equipment (Crescendo Together)

You’ve confessed, You’re possessed,
You’ll even write about your big breasts
Get your worries off your chest.
Let us say for your next post…
try giving a recipe for French Toast.
Try some poems, try a quote,
Now go home and edit what you just wrote!
It’s a chore, but don’t be a wallower…
Don’t believe me? Ask your one Follower.
Singing sentences, dancing words,
Yes your writings for the birds.
How could anyone be gloomy or depressed?
We’ll make you shout encore,
Writing shouldn’t be a chore…
So don’t get obsessed, just make a small request
To be Freshly Pressed. Freshly Pressed!

Mrs. Plots (warbles)mrs potts

I’m aghast – – feeling harassed,
Sakes alive, you’re plagiarizing fast!
Words are pouring, and it’s not boring
Soon the adoring has your Stats soaring….
With the climax, they’ll want tea,
And my dear, that’s fine with me.
While this parody has some clarity,
there’s no hilarity or sincerity,
So any popularity will just be charity,
But you could throw in some vulgarity!

Yes! Write some porn! Be piping hot!
Heaven’s sakes! Perish that thought!
You little Tart, that’s not called Art!
Clean it up! You could write about your thyroid – – it’s gone hypo.
We’ve got a lot to do, so please avoid another typo!

Do you take one lump or two?
(Meaning the “likes” you get will be few.)
But if you tell all your blog guests
They’re just the best, to be able to digest
All your crap without their protest.
Then along the way, you might (yes, you just may!)

Be Freshly Pressed!  Freshly Pressed!!   Yes, you’ll Be FRESHLY  PRESSED!!!

(And now we turn the record over to play the lesser known “throwaway” song on the other side of the 45)

“Stop Blogging My ART Around”

image(To the Tune of “Stop Dragging My Heart Around” by Tom Petty and Stevie Nicks)

 

Blogger, you’ll come flocking onto my website,
Ignoring those banners ’bout my copyright.
I said ya, well
I know just what I’m gonna do…
You post my stuff without permission, just to get another view.

So you’ve had a little trouble with a noun.
Now you’re downloading my images around.
Stop bloggin’ my
Stop bloggin’ my
Stop bloggin’ my Art around.

It’s hard to think about what you’ve done.
When all you think about is Number One.
This is gonna be the big get even…
Cuttin’ n pastin’ is akin to thievin’

I know you really wanna give cartoons a whirl…
But you really shoulda picked a different URL.

Blogger, you could never look me in the eye,
You think the price for Clip Art is much too high….
Stop bloggin’ my
Stop bloggin ‘ my
Stop bloggin ‘ my art around!

[Instrumental Interlude while we Bloggers Sweat Bullets]

Crazy Writers runnin’ round loose online…
Ain’t got nothin’ much better to do.
Thinkin’ you’re too unknown for a big ole fine.
Well think again, cuz Baby Blogger, I’m gonna sue!

I know you really want to tell me goodbye,
Penalties are stiff because you should comply.

Stop bloggin’ my
Stop bloggin’ my
Stop bloggin’ my Art around!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6UD0c58nNCQ&feature=kp

 

This was my entry for this week’s writing challenge where you are supposed to rewrite a song.  My “normal” Quirky blog to return soon! And special thanks to Bumblepuppies for suggesting that “Stop Dragging My Heart Around” would be a song with some good potential. Visit him HERE.

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_writing_challenge/to-the-tune-of/

What Do Bloggers Eat at a Meet & Greet ??

Maybe they eat "Meet(and greet!)Balls?

Maybe they eat “Meet(and greet!)Balls?

Seriously?  What was I thinking?  Registering for a huge Blogging Conference like BlogHer 2014?   I can’t converse with anyone verbally.  That’s why I became a writer in the first place.  And I don’t eat, I don’t sleep, I don’t talk, I don’t drink and I don’t dance. All I do is sit in front of a keyboard and type.

And the only reason I’m capable of that is because I’m protected by the online anonymity.  But that will be stripped away, too.  I’ll have to wear one of those “Hello!  I’m Little Miss Menopause!” name tags.  And then people will approach me.  And say, “Really?  You’re not so little.”  Or, “How can you be a Miss if you’re divorced?  Wouldn’t that make you a Ms?”  Or, “So are you having a hot flash right this minute or are you just nervous to meet me?”

And then I am going to have a roommate.  What if she is a serious and substantial T-Bone Steak type blogger and thinks all us humor bloggers are just a jar of Marshmallow Fluff?  And if she’s one of those types who partakes in a specific, odd nightly routine.  Let’s say she takes a bubble bath, popping all but 11 bubbles, says prayers backwards, does 100 crunches to disguise the fact that she’s carried twins, sticks her head in the hotel mini-bar fridge for an hour, slathers on some awful smelling night creme and then humors   fluffs her pillow exactly 7 times on each side?  Oh wait, that’s my nightly routine.

Oh dear. What number Fluff was I on? Guess I'll have to start all over.

Oh dear. What number Fluff was I on? Guess I’ll have to start all over.

And then I’ll go to the fancy hotel ballroom for my meals.  And people are going to sit at tables without any laptops to keep their hands busy. What will we all do with our fingers besides tapping on the tablecloth like it’s an imaginary keyboard?  Maybe the centerpieces will be glitzy computer screens with the words, “Once Upon a Time….” typed in Helvetica font.

Of course the elegant board with our various dining choices will fall from the table and crash on to my lap, because that’s what “Drop-Down Menus” do.  And no doubt, I’ll be very confused as to what to order at this BlogFeast.  If I wanted my soggy, bloggy cereal, I shoulda just stayed at home.  There’s a whole lot more creative food choices to nourish a Blogger than just Alphabet Soup, you know.    Let’s have a look . . .

BLOG CONFERENCE MEAL OPTIONS

Whether You’re Famous, Famished or Already Full (of yourself!)

It will be Love At First Bite!   Write!

BREAKFAST:

Posted Eggs, Edited Over Easy.  Served with Permalink sausage with choice of (depending how your writing is going) Belgium Awfuls or Fancakes, drizzled with Blog Cabin Syrup.

OR

Quotation Quinoa Quiche with Jumbled, Crumbled, Stumbled-Upon Mumbo Jumbo.

OR

Jotted, Blotted Frittata served with a Scone Poem

Bold, Seasoned Condiment Comments by Request

 

LUNCH

All entrees (entries) accompanied with a Flaky BlogRoll & Butter and your choice of Mixed Metaphor Mesclun salad, Cliched Clam Chowder or Stat Pea Soup.

“All You Can View” Stew served in a Writer’s Block Crock pot.

   OR

Dangling Participle Pasta – – Garnished w/ Grated Gravitar Graphics

OR

Steamy, Creamy, Dreamy Porkography – – Archived Anchovies

OR

Widget Wasabi Won-Tons  & Parsnip Snippets, Turnip Tags

OR

Bloghetti & Tweetballs served over Doughy Poetry

OR

Allegory Albacorey Tuna on Spellcheck Spelt

 

DINNER

Sauteed Jumbo Shrimp Daily Prawmpts with Freshly Pressed Garlic and Cleverly Clarified Butter

OR

Tempura Templates  w/ chopped, cropped Images of Inspiration

OR

So You Think You’ve Posted the Holy Grail Lobster Tail?  And Corny Kale

  OR

Hacked Halibut w/ Plagiarized Potatoes &  Tender AsPUNagus Tips

OR

FRENCH CUISINE:  – – Blog Hop Frog Legs & Escargot Escape Buttons

OR

STARVING WRITER’S SPECIAL: Blank Screens Frank & Beans w/  Wordless Watermelon

 

AFTER YOUR MEAL

Keyword Keylime Pie

Simile Spumoni

Deleted Donuts

Ping-Back Pumpkin Pie

Published Plum Pudding

Dashboard Cheeseboard

Expressive Espresso

Italian Italicized Ice

 I better stop here because I’m afraid one of my clever readers is going to make me eat my own words! 

Disclaimer:  If someone asks me what the hell I’m doing there, I will actually be able to justify my presence.  It seems that I was selected for 1 of 25 “Voices of the Year” in the Humor category.  Now that’s a real laugh.

But if you don’t have indigestion by now and would like to read the post that got me that honor.  Click Here. 

Yes, I could very well have made this badge up on Photoshop . . . if I wasn't so computer challenged.

Yes, I could very well have made this badge up on Photoshop . . . if I wasn’t so computer challenged.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Excuse Me, What Does This Say?? (Better Yet….What Does It MEAN??)

Most writer's will have a post-it like this which kind of makes sense.

Most writer’s will have a post-it like this which kind of makes sense.

How do we keep track of good ideas for blogs?  Surely I cannot be the only one who just pulled an old bank deposit slip out of her wallet today and read my own hastily scrawled message, “Teller/Yeller   Funny/Money – – First Mustache Encounter!”

Is that supposed to mean something to me?!?

Maybe that was a creative “Hold-Up” note??   So I remember now that the bank employee talked quite loudly, which could account for the first part of that chicken scratch.  Or did I intend to write a blog analyzing what it would “Tell” about your personality if you cried at end of the “Old Yeller” movie??  The middle part I’m seriously clueless – –  because nothing about finances is humorous to me.  But that last part?  Let’s see….  Well, I was either planning to do a blog about my first kiss or a confessional post that I need to start shaving.   Help!

It happens all the time.  I’m somewhere buying groceries or in a movie theater and the stuff that makes blogging golden pops into my head.  And I know.  I just KNOW that if I don’t capture the immediate thought (in writing!) within 60 seconds, it’s all Gone.  With the Wind.  A movie I’ve also disturbed people in while asking to borrow a pen.

Many a film buff has said to me, “You’re supposed to watch the screen – – NOT take dictation from it!”  as I furiously type into my cell phone “notepad” something that was just triggered during “Gravity” when Sandra Bullock hallucinates that George Clooney is still alive, but then she weightlessly floats in space.  I got from that . . .

“Write a blog where you imagine you’ve lost so much  weight, George Jetson offers you root beer floats in space!”

Uh, yeah.  There’s just no accounting for the jump an “original thinker” can make with an idea, is there?  Keeping that in mind, here are some scraps and scribbles I have recently come across.  I thought maybe you could help me figure some of them out?

Stephanie’s Scraps & Scribbles

1.  A receipt from the Outback Steakhouse says, “Bkd Pot loaded w/ butt/SC/Chives”  I’ve written, “Ruin healthy things.”   Where it says, “Tip:”  I’ve added, “expects advice but receives lottery.”    ANYBODY????

2.  A note home from my child’s school says, “Dear Ms. Menopause – – E was very tired today and says she’s been staying up late to do homework because you’re so busy with your own writing and cannot help.  Please help!”   I’ve crossed out the second “help” and written “Yelp.”  Then I’ve jotted down “Reviews on Defective Nasty Teachers.”   Might be a good one!

3.  The Water and Power bill is overdue and on the envelope I’ve printed rather neatly (for a change!) “Electric sparks, sex, Viagra, cheats Sparklett’s Man.”  Huh.  That coulda been a doozy.

4.  While arguing with my ex-husband on my cell, I’ve unconsciously doodled on a recipe for an Omelette,  “kill scrambled spouse, diced pepper spray, minced words smothered in Swiss bank account cheese, Lettuce wilt under cover(s) until steamy.”

5.  On a friend’s 50th birthday party invitation I’ve made the zero in the number fifty into a target (for darts?) and scrawled three cryptic words,  “Black Medium Ears.”   Ooooh, if anyone can help me decipher that one, I think it could be the most intriguing post of all!   Maybe an African American Psychic heard something?!   Oh, nevermind.  I just realized those are my hints on what kind of gift she might like.    Favorite color is black, wears size medium and has pierced earrings, which Target has on sale now.

I cannot take credit for this one. Anyone else recognize it??

I cannot take credit for this one. Anyone else recognize it??

I would list a few more puzzles, but as of now, it’s perfectly clear that I’m either an innovative genius with inspirational prompts to write every day for the next year – –  or I’m losing it big time and they’ll put me in The Home For Unsettled Bloggers Who Squint at Jibberish.

But I really shouldn’t worry about recovering my own blogging material.  I have certain creative (FUNNY!) Followers who are starting to write to me regularly with their “prods, suggestions and requests.”  Just the other day, WeaverGrace emailed me, pointing out that since I turned fifty, I will need a Colonoscopy – – and wouldn’t it be fun to write about that??  Dearest Grace – – It will be so much more fun to write about it than to HAVE it!  So yes….look for that topic soon.  And Thank you.

Come to think of it, notes for that Post could be a little frightening, so I better keep them off my son’s letter to the Tooth Fairy.

Well?  How do YOU keep track of blogging material??  Leave me a comment!

 

Must You ALWAYS Cross Your Eyes And Dot All Your Teas?? YES!

photo-253Here is a fact:  If you have OCD (Obsessive/Compulsive Disorder) or are a Perfectionist or even just Superstitious,  (heaven help you if you’re all three!) you will waste spend a lot more time on your blog than the typical person.  There are even sub-sets of related problems that bloggers can develop and not ever realize they are afflicted.  Read on to see if you recognize yourself in any of these 10 maladies.

1.  The Compulsive Commenter Syndrome (extra 10 minutes)  Before you leave a comment on someone else’s blog, you absolutely MUST read what other readers have already said about it, otherwise you could duplicate their remarks or just sound terribly boring in comparison.  Add on another ten minutes if the person’s blog already has over twenty comments.

2.  The Crime of the Rhyme – – (extra 8 minutes)  You get caught up in rhyming, especially your titles. Kind of like this: The Lame Name Shame Blame Game!  Prior to blogging, this problem manifested itself in other ways – –  When you took a music course in college, your thesis was entitled, “Mozart: His Notes-art and Quotes-art!”  Or you admonish your kids for turning in a paper called simply, “U.S. History,” when it could have been called “The Blistery Mystery of U.S. History.” Consequences?  Nobody wants your opinion on anything anymore, and the only people following your blog also follow Dr. Seuss.  He’s dead.

3.  Paragraph Quotas – – (extra 13 minutes) You need to include a certain number of witty points or laughs per paragraph.  The number is usually 7 because that’s your lucky number.  If you count and find you’ve fallen short, you need to go back and funny things up. This is non-negotiable.  And sometimes just for good luckle, you need one extra chuckle.  (A humorous rhyming bit counts as two!)

4.  The Proof is In The Pudding Proof-Reader – – (extra 32 minutes)  You re-read everything you write at least eight times because you’re certain there is some slight typo or misspelling that has slipped through the cracks.  Wait!  Does misspelling have one “s” or two?  Tsk, tsk.  But that’s easily remedied because a spellchecker can catch those.  But what if you type “their” when you mean “they’re?”  Ahh, there, there.  Don’t worry so much.  Bloggers are a forgiving bunch.  Right?  Maybe.   Prior to blogging, you were a door and oven checker.  Because how do you know those latches are REALLY locked or the flames TRULY extinguished?  Better go look again just to make sure.  I’ll wait.

5.  The Cliche Police – – (extra 22 minutes)  You will seek and destroy anything you write that rings a bell.  Like that preceding sentence.  Or these next two sentences.   All your analogies must be “fresh as a daisy.”  Your metaphors “Like a virgin, touched for the very first time.”photo-255

6.  The Fanatic Follower — (extra 11 minutes)  Someone you Follow has not posted anything in a week.  Oh dear!  Are they okay?  Should you check on them?  What if something happened in real life and they never post again?   Ever.  You will never know why.  Even a spouse or next of kin won’t have their Password to come online and give a reason for their absence.  Which means you won’t be able to send flowers.  This is closely related to  #7.

7.  Patterns of Perceptively Paranoid People – – (extra 141 minutes) You analyze your Follower’s activity on your own blog, particularly scrutinizing for changes in the length or the intensity in the words people write with their comments to you. Sensitive to any decreases or increases in the frequency of their “Likes.”  Uh oh, “GlueStickMom” isn’t quite commenting with as many paragraphs as she used to.  Perhaps one of your posts has offended?  Or maybe you ought to go to her blog and comment a little bit longer, just in case she believes things have become too one-sided.  And what is up with some polite Followers (TyWood12?) who can be enticed to “Like” your blog, but will rarely say a word.  You can’t even get a “LOL” out of them.  Would he talk to you at a cocktail party?  You even resort to Reverse Psychology and customize your comment prompt to read, “Don’t Even Think About Leaving A Comment!”  But these are Pressing Questions.  Will Menomama3 ever come back to you?  Why did “Alfred Hitchcock Master” only appear once and then disappear?  That’s a true mystery/suspense. Can “Bumblepuppies” leave a comment without sarcasm?  Did “Message In a Fold” change her identity to see if you’ll still recognize her?  And what about all your Facebook friends?  You can see that they come to View you quite often, but then mums the word.  You knew it all along – – They hate you.  They really, really hate you.

8.  Alliteration Addiction Advocation– – (extra 18 minutes) You are highly in favor of post titles that sound like this:  Mathematical, Musical or Maniacal?   or simply refer to # 6 , #7 and #8 in this list and guess who needs a treatment center ASAP?

8.5  Topic Titillation – – (extra 31 minutes)  Yes that’s correct – – this is # eight and a half.  When you state upfront that you’re writing a list of “Ten,” then you cannot go over that amount, even if you think of one more really good thing.  Anyhow, “Topic Titillation” is when you realize that you have a wide range of readers, both age-wise and interest wise and you need to think of something to write about that gets nods from every single one of them.  Kinda like when you take all six of your kids (with a 14 year age range, mind you) to the movies.  How can “Frozen” please everyone?  That’s gotta be one great film.  And it is.

8.75  Image Imagination Implication — (could cause you to delay a post for 48 hours)  This is when you get so caught up (inside your own head) with how a graphic or photo will look on your post that the reality cannot possibly measure up to your expectations once you’ve clicked, “Add Media.”   Therefore you now have “Preview Changes” on speed dial and the sheer # of revisions (which consist solely of you resizing or switching the same image from left, to right to center) outnumbers the number of potential Future Followers for your blog through 2015.  Just take a break and head to The Happiest Place on Earth.

9.  Freshly Pressed Perfection – – (extra 82 minutes) If you read all the advice on WordPress and watch their tutorials about “How to Craft the Perfect Blog” and do everything just so, you WILL finally get Freshly Pressed.  It just has to work that way.  After all, you followed all the rules! (Oh wait, they’ve done away with Freshly Pressed?? Why must things change in life?? Nooooooo!)photo-254

10.  All’s Well That Ends Well – – (extra 11 minutes)  The perfect ending to a post must occur in such a way that the reader feels satisfied, but yet is left still wanting more.  And it must happen within a certain word count.  Currently that would be lucky number 821.  (This blog has gone over!) Studies show if you’re any wordier than that, your Blog will end up on someone’s “To Do” list. (Or maybe their “To Don’t” one.)

        1.  Buy kitty litter  2.  Play Candyland with Kids  3.  Have Sex with Spouse  4.  Read Little Miss Menopause’s Blog  5.  Cut grass with manicuring scissors

So what does it all mean?  I certainly am not making light of anyone who has these troubles, especially when they overflow from the Blogosphere into the real world and interfere with your everyday life.  And especially when I suffer with all of them (and more!) myself.  If you find you’re spending far too long composing a post or lingering on WordPress in general, remember there’s a 12 Step Program that can help you.  Simply recite their Serenity Prayer. (See below)

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/confused/

“Grant me the Serenity to accept the comments I’ve submitted that do not have an Edit Button, The Courage to Change my posts that are too safe and milquetoast (or is it milktoast?? Help!  It’s after midnight and I need to click “Publish” already!) and the Wisdom to know the difference between a WordPress Follower and a Real Life Stalker. Amen.”photo-256

The Blogcademy Awards (The Bloscars!) – Will You Win?

Image Credit to the Skyscanner.com who for some reason uses this word (which I thought I made up) to run a contest for Travel Bloggers. They appear to be an airline?

Image Credit to the Skyscanner.com who for some reason uses this word (which I thought I made up!) to run a contest for Travel Bloggers. They appear to be an Airline.

C’mon, admit it.  You just knew you’d find me with this Blog title today, right?  With my love of inventing Blogger Vocabularly (read here) and how I honored the Winter Olympics with “The Writer Olympics” (read here) and Super Bowl Sunday (read here) then it follows there must be an event called “The Bloscars.”

Now let’s walk the Red-Carpet and enter the actual Post to see the grandeur that awaits, shall we?  Beware of the Blogarazzi with their blinding camera flashes, whoops and hollers.  Smile nicely, with that odd, “look over your shoulder at who-the-hell-knows what” type of pose.  Maybe all bloggers should keep looking over their shoulder for the next odd thing to happen to them?photo-217

THE PRE-CEREMONY TIME WASTERS & A PRIZE!

Welcome! First of all – – instead of Ellen Degeneres and pizza, you’re stuck with me serving Blogdogs on Buns. Children Bloggers get CornBlogs.  Sorry.  I won’t pass a hat around for $ contributions, but please don’t blog one single word about how I didn’t take into account alternative meal options for Blegetarians and Blegans.  We like our blogs meaty here!  i.e. – – “Where’s the Beef  Blog ??”

photo-216Insert your Favorite Opening Dance Sequence Here to the left.  Idina Menzel (pronounce it however you like, but give John Travolta a break- – he’s barely “Staying Alive” since his Saturday Night Fever stint) can also sing “Let It Go” from the animated film, Frozen, which is what happens to Bloggers who refresh their Stats page too much.  Their computer freezes.

And yes, there will be a Selfie Photo Contest, so let’s take down Twitter…Wordpress!  No WordPressure, but please take a photo of the front page of your Blog the way that it looks on your laptop/computer with you (the proud Blog creator!)  in the photo as well.  Shy, retiring, inhibited, insecure, and/or paranoid Bloggers (that would be me) feel free to just portray your blog alone, without any human in the pic.   Put the photo or a link to the photo (since I don’t know if it’s even possible to post a photo here?  Some of the higher-tech Bloggers will tell me, no doubt) in the comments section and the winner (based on the most eye-catching, creative photo) will receive two movie passes. (or the equivalent of such, on an Amazon Gift Card)  Deadline will be this Friday, the 7th of March to post Selfie photos and a winner will be picked and prize awarded on my birthday, March 12th.  Since I will have nothing better to do on that day, other than to sob about turning 50.

And Now . . . The Blotion Picture Blogcademy Proudly Presents . . . THE BLOSCARS! (think of orchestras rising here)

During the silence that follows each category,  please imagine who would deserve this particular award in your own real life world or Online world that you call your Blogosphere.  I would never be so presumptuous as to start naming Names here!  The idea is to get YOU thinking about the kinds of people (bloggers and non-bloggers alike) that you consciously surround yourself with each and every day.  It CAN make a difference.

And the Featured Categories Are ????

Best Supportive Commenter:  Who regularly leaves you lots of love?

Best Editor:  Which individual do you count on to give your posts a onceover, so you don’t get blatant errors like “onceover” when published?

Best Original Score UnderScore: (Note: Strikeovers would also fall in this category)

Best Blog Header:  Your eye was drawn immediately!

Best Blog Background:  It compliments, rather than detracts.

Best Song: (Oh!  I feel another contest coming on!)  In the comments section below, please leave the one best song (with either a Title or the well known chorus lyrics) that would best suit your blog.  In other words, you would most want to have this song blasting when someone clicks open your blog.  Give a brief explanation as to why you chose this song. One winner will be announced (same dates given for the Selfie Photo contest above) and awarded a $20 itune Gift Card.  Looking again for Creativity here and some Wordplay. (See InspireTheWorld2Day (who happens to be the first entry) in the comments section below for a clear example.)

Best Tagger:  Who gets the best traffic from tags?

Best Motivator:  Who inspires your ideas?  Which individual do you most find yourself telling to “hold that thought” for a second while you jot something down in your “Blog Notebook”  You do have one of those, right?!?

Best Brusher-Off-er:  Who changes the subject the fastest when you bring up your Blog?

Best and Worse Dressed List

Clothing is a huge deal.  I know.  Just not here. And breasts are not going to be mentioned here at all.  If you want to know why, go here.   So alternatively,  there will be no hiring Mr. Blackwell  Blogwell to ogle (blogle) and rave or conversely rant/diss any certain Blogger’s Pajamas Attire – – but the following categories will rhyme with the word “Dressed” instead.  You should nod your head right about now and see this as a perfectly suitable solution.

Best Jest:  Favorite Non-Serious Blog

Best Guest:  Who regularly has the most interesting Blogger Guests writing for them?

Best Blessed:  Whose Blog seems to have the most Gratitude or Grace?

Best Addressed:  Who takes a Controversial Subject and Nails it?

Best Confessed:  Who takes the opportunity of blogging to bare their soul, show their authentic truth?

Best Assessed:  Who is the Best Reviewer you know.  Books, Movies, Food, etc. Their opinion matters to you!

Best Compressed:  Who can blog in the fewest words you know and still make it work?  Really distill down their ideas so you just get the concentrated bottom line from them?

Best Distressed & Stressed:  Who is always having an issue?  Yes, this could be a Drama Blog, but maybe not?

Best Obsessed:  Who focuses on just one topic every single solitary time, but you love them anyway?

Best Cardiac Arrest:  Who shocks you the most with their outrageousness?

Best Nest:  Which Parent Blogger gets the most “oohs and ahs” because their love of family shines through?

Best Quest:  Who seems to have the loftiest goal or purpose in Blogging?

Best Teenage Blogger who is wise beyond their years:  Hey that doesn’t rhyme?  That’s right, just seeing if you are paying attention.

Best Contest:  Who regularly has Blog Giveaways that excite you?

Best Pest:  Who is that Blogger you wish you could secretly Unfollow?

Best Rest:  Their Blog is where you hang out when you want to unwind and relax.

Best Pressed:  They haven’t been Freshly Pressed, but you think that’s just a matter of time. Either that or they make really good freshly squeezed orange juice.

Best Detest:  Okay, you hate their blog.  You don’t follow it at all, but you’re aware of its presence and you want them to clean up their act.

Best Intelligence Test:  Wow, are they just off the chart smart or what??  Do you even belong there as a reader?  Yep, you do!

Best Request:  They’re the Blog-Pleasers.  They will do what you ask because they want crowd approval.  But do you really know what they’re about?

Best Impressed: They are the equivalent of the  Name   Blog-Dropper who wants you to admire their Blog for the Flash, not the substance.

Best Protest:  They are never going to be happy unless they can keep blogging about how unhappy the world makes them.

Best Mae West:  “Why don’t you come up and see me sometime?”  That’s right, I finally ran out of rhymes that had any connection to blogging! And besides we needed a real movie star right about now.

Along with leaving a comment, Please don’t forget to enter one or both contests above (Selfie & Song) and we’ll see you next year at the BLOSCARS! Also signing up to follow my blog will guarantee you won’t miss the next time I get zany enough to decide to bizarrely tie a Giveaway Contest with a Posting Topic.

Be a Nice Blogger – – Don’t Spread Blumors!

Have you heard the latest Blossip?  There’s a certain Bleached Blonde Blogger who posts photo-200her black bleather blurbs shorter than mid-bligh and you can almost see her blotch!

In some ways, the blogging world is no different from the real one. There’s an “Online Grapevine,” where often in the blink of a blye, you can be blogsided by a big Bloggermouth;  your Blog blackened, blemished,  bloglisted or even blogcotted forever.

Exactly Like This . . .

Blanche:  Remember “Blaine, the Blunt Blogger Bloke?”

Blaire:  Yeah?  What about him?

Blanche:  Well Blumor has it that he blirted with “Blossom, the Blushing Bridal Blogger” after she got herself a bloob-job and then on their very first draft, she gave him a blog-job.

Blaire:  The Blussy!

Blanche:  They’ve since blended their blogs, trying hard to get blognant.  Finally the Bloctor prescribed blertility drugs and she got blocked-up with Bliplets.

Blaire:  No!

Blanche:  And Blythe, the Bluebonnet Blogstress who does fashion?

Blaire:  Yes?

Blanche:  Was seen blogging in a blazer blouse from Bloomingdales that made her look bloated!

Blaire:  Does she think her followers are blind?

Blanche:  It’s a blunder she doesn’t lose them all!

In order to prevent Blumors and Blossip from spreading, a Blogger must first be able to decipher what’s being said about himself or a Beloved Blogger Buddy/Brother.  Alas, rest easy my Dear Reader  – –  for I have taken it upon myself to become your very own personal Blogger Bleacher (Teacher) and will now offer a Translation to Today’s Blogging Blanguage.

Presenting:  The Totally Incomplete (check back as more will be added) Guide To Blogger Blingo!

Clogger Blogger– – A Dutch dancer who writes a blog.

Blogtose Intolerant – –  A person afflicted with this terrible probloglem gets cramps if they even come within 5 ft of  WordPress.com. Closely related to Irritable Blog Syndrome.

Hitnosis – – Going into a mesmerizing trance as you refresh your Stats page 85 times.

Blogdrop – – To keep mentioning a certain blog that has been numerously Freshly Pressed because it brings one clout.

Everlasting BlogStopper – – Willy Wonka’s new gumball sized candy that Mr. Blogworth tries to steal.

Boogie Woogie Bugle Blogger – – One who types to the rhythm of World War II music.photo-201

Sprog – – A blog that originates in the warmish season following Winter.

Blawkward – – That moment when you hype your blog to someone and you realize they could care less as they overtly Blawn (yawn) in your face.

You Ain’t Nothing But a HoundBlog – – Tune someone sings when a Blogger incessantly sends a “friend” a link to their latest post, after that friend has changed their email address. Twice.

Blaless – – A woman who runs a bare-breasted blog.

A Pot Roast/Post – – Bloggers gather at a banquet to poke fun (often good-naturedly) at both a man’s blog and his wife’s cooking.

A Bleeper Blooper Blanker Blogger – – One who blogs using profanity or frequently substitutes symbols &*%$ so the reader must constantly fill in the blanks.

Bloco – – Means “A crazy Blogger” in Mexico.  But in the U.S., you can order chicken at a fast food place called  “El Blollo Bloco.”

A Past Post Pest – – Someone who keeps “replaying” their older posts again and again, so that each new Follower will read them.

A Blogan – – An advertising bloy (ploy) to blure (lure)  someone to their blog.  Read more about Blogans (Blogs + Slogans) as well as blog-branding, when you click HERE. 

The Father, Son & the Holy Post – – When Daddy & Me time at the computer takes on a religious tone.

A Snotty-Blotty or a Blog-Snob – – One who is hoity-toity and disables their comments to the public, only letting their BBF’s (Best Blends Forever) (who’ve known them since childhood) leave seriously snooty remarks.

Bladder Blogging – – That gross act of multi-tasking when a blogger posts from his bathroom.

Blimp – – This happens to a man’s fingers when he tries to blog in front of a woman he’s just met.photo-203

I hope this Blargon helps you navigate through the Blumor Mill.  But just like in the real world, please use the information you read here for purposes of Good (to put an end to the Blossip)  If you plan on being Bleaky (Sneaky) and using this Blocab (vocab) for ill-will, then leave me a comment and I will make sure to pass it on that you are the “Biggest BusyBody Blogger” this side of the Blississippi.

Overheard Conversations With NON-Bloggers

photo-149Any of this sound familiar?

Neighbor:  I don’t read blogs.  Why don’t you just Turn Your Blog Into A Real Book or something?

Me:  What’s wrong with reading a blog?  It’s free.  It’s entertaining. It’s easy and it’s short and sweet.

Neighbor:  Oh you know.  Well, you know.  So what do you hope to get out of this little obsession of yours, anyhow?

Me:  It’s gratifying to express myself, the humor is cathartic for me.  Oh, and I’m bringing peace in the middle East.

Neighbor:  Why don’t you actually go out in the real world and do the things you waste your time blogging about?

Me:  Excuse me, can you turn down the volume of your “America’s Funniest Home Videos,” – – I couldn’t quite catch that last question.

Neighbor:  Right.  Well you know what they say – –  “Those that can – – do.  And those that can’t . . . Blog.”  To each his own.  But how can someone possibly make any money doing this Blah Blah Blah-gging stuff?

Me:  Several ways.  If you get enough people reading, then advertisers will want to be on your blog.  Also if you want to publish a book then…

Neighbor:  Fantastic.   So when are you gonna Co-Star on someone else’s website.  Like going on the Oprah or Ellen show!

Me:  You mean Guest Blog?

Neighbor: Oh, you’re probably not good enough for that.  I heard you could get sued or in big trouble with blogging if you don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.  Or you put your foot in your mouth? Couldn’t you?

Me:  Yep,  “YOU”  sure could.

Mother Knows Best (About Blobs & Such)

Mother:  We sent you to college for THIS?

Me:  Got my B.B. degree (Bachelor’s in Blogging)

Mother:   Isn’t Blogging just a fad, like Hula Hoops, Mood Rings, and Sex?photo-197

Me:  Yeah, that’s right.  Just like that silly old Sex trend,  Ma.  Lots of Hits = Multiple Blogasms.

Mother:  (Blushing) Well last night I tried to read some of your recent Pillars and Poles – –  and I just didn’t get what they were about.

Me:  Pillars and Poles?  Oh my Posts.  Well, thank you for reading.  Maybe you could even leave a comment.

Mother:  Me?  Oh,  I wouldn’t have anything to say.  That’s Your thing, Dear.  Well, I guess I could leave a little remark about how you hardly spit-up, walked at 10 months,  and by 2 years old  had a vocabulary of 1,850 words.  We knew right then you’d grow up to be a great, big, successful Blabber.

Me:  Blogger, Ma. Blogger.  And you’re not filling out my Baby Book.  Just leave a simple comment that you like my writing.

Mother:  Oh….I see.  You want me to lie.

The Not So Sweet Sixteen

Daughter:  Who gave you the idea that you could have a humor blog?  You’re not ever funny around the house.  Well, only when you trip over things and that one time you shrunk the living room carpet down to a bath mat.

Me:  Yeah, that was hilarious. And now when anyone takes a shower, I have to tell them not to drip water on my good oriental rug.

Daughter:  Why don’t you blog about recipes or crafts like other normal mothers?

Me:  Because I can’t cook or glue things.

Daughter:  True.  But it’s major awkward that you blog about all the disrespectful stuff I say and the bad grades I get.

Me:  You could just be polite and study.

Daughter:  See?  You’re sooo not funny.  And I’m 16.  When are you going to teach me how to drive already?

Me:  The next time I get Writer’s Block and need some new material.

Daughter:  It’s always about you, isn’t it?   You’re like some kind of Attention Hogger Bragger Blogger.

Me:  You know something, young Lady?  I poured my whole life into you children and…

Daughter:  I know, I know – – there’s a law firm crying at this very moment over their grave loss in court because you gave birth instead.

Me:  So smug.  I COULD have become a lawyer.  But I wasn’t going to say that.  I was going to say that in order to be a better mother to all of you, I have to help myself be happy first.

Daughter:  You get so much mileage out of that “Airplane Oxygen Mask” thing, don’t you?

And The Male Non-Bloggers Are The Most Fun!

Husband:  So daily blogging is the one New Year’s resolution you’re finally able to keep?

Me:  Shhhh, can I just format this last paragraph and add a title and then I’ll listen to you.

Husband:  When can you stop typing and make dinner?

Me:  Don’t you have other thoughts besides food?

Husband:  When can you stop typing and make love?

Me:  Didn’t you hear that Sex went out with Pokemon?photo-198

Husband:  Can’t you at least blog about Victoria’s Secret and review lace push-up bras or something?

Me:  This blog is not about things of the flesh.  I have better things to write about than breasts.

Husband:  Right.  And you didn’t just recently dedicate a whole entire post to your own set of boobs.  ???

Me:  That was different.  But Aha!  So you have been reading my blog?

Husband:  Who do you think left the comment asking what the record for largest cup size is?

Me:  Okay, okay, I’ll come to bed if you let me blog about what’s about to take place there first.  You can check it for accuracy and errors, I promise.

Husbad:  I think I actually just found a typo.  To the left here, in the blue font – –  you accidentally spelled Husband  with the word “bad” on the end.  Unless that’s some sort of commentary on my bedroom skills?

Me:  Yeah, that was intentional.  But let’s have some more of your spell-checking, Honey.  Keep it up.  Let’s see how long you can go for.

Husbad:  Man, talk about  your “Proofreading Anxiety!  Never mind – – WordPress can have you for the night!! (looks down sheepishly)  I’ve already got “Correctile Dysfunction.”

Does anyone in your life really, truly “Get” your Blog??  Who is the least understanding of your blogging world?   Leave me your comments below.

Don’t Change That Channel-er !

photo-192I finally broke down and did it.  I made an appointment with a Chaneller.  Not someone who expands the variety of stations on your cable TV set,  but rather a psychic medium who tunes into “the Other Side.”  I don’t normally believe in this New Age, metaphysical, transcendental stuff, (and definitely don’t believe in ghosts) but my friend Tiffany, (one of these people obsessed with life after death)  thinks I need a new blogging topic (all my friends somehow think I’ve run dry) and took the liberty of arranging a session for free.

She further claims that this Channeler is completely legit and highly renowned in the industry – –  (btw, it’s not a very large industry, just a “Medium” one.  Yeah, I know….Sorry!  But haven’t you read that, “He who blogs after midnight is entitled to tell one bad joke.”)

Doesn't everyone get a fortune like this?

Doesn’t everyone get a fortune like this?

And get this – – the Channeler’s name is Paul Pulseman and his tagline is, “Mr. Pulseman has his Pulse on the Pulseless.”  How’s that for some good Medium Marketing?

Basically I’m supposed to focus on someone that I have unfinished business with because (Tiffany promises) I will supposedly get some much needed closure.  I’m giving some thought on whom this should be.

Meanwhile, Mr. Pulseman emails me to confirm my appointment and advises me to do the following:  Each day I should find a quiet space, close my eyes, and silently issue an invitation for the people that I want to make contact with to come into our upcoming session.  I must specify the date and the exact time – – like these Souls have calendars and booked-up social lives??

Hmmmm, Let’s see – – how many people should you put on the guest list when you’re throwing a Closure Party?  More importantly, what happens if someone has already been reincarnated? Do you get their voice-mail?

Still highly skeptical, I decide to go forward and make it my personal mission to speak to someone I never did have the chance to say goodbye to – – a husband who recently departed.  Oops, I just knew I would make a psychic mistake right off the bat.  The correct term is, “Crossed Over,” according to the terminology section on Mr. Pulseman’s website.  Anyhow, picking a husband will surely prove, once and for all to Tiffany that Paul Pulseman is a fraud, which is one of my main goals.

Today is the sitting and I’m worried how to dress.  Can a loved one who has “Crossed Over”  look back and see things thru a Channeler’s eyes?  (Maybe those who have Crossed Over prefer Cross Dressers?)  One thing’s for sure – -I had better not wear that low-cut purple blouse since women who “dress to kill” really disturbed this particular husband.

Next I get a terrific idea. . .  I’ll  bring my newly published novel, so I can show off to The Other Side, what I’ve been doing on This Side  – –  with just a little bit of oxygen and a computer!

This is absurd, I chide myself.  Nobody will be talking to me today.  Except maybe “the great” Mr. Paul Pulseman.

It turns out Mr. Pulseman is laden with tattoos and quite short in stature. As I stand on my three inch heels, I am almost as tall as he is. He also has wavy hair, nearly as long as mine. And when he speaks, it is barely above a whisper while he offers me a limp handshake. This is good because this hubby was a real macho character and liked to be taller than other men and to have the firmest grip in the room.  I note the tee-shirt Mr. Pulseman wears has printed on the front, “The sky is always bluer on THE OTHER SIDE.”photo-195

First he leads me through a meditation exercise with both our eyes closed.  Or he tries to.   I keep squinting through my lids to see if Mr. Pulseman is checking to see whether I’m peeking or not.  I don’t like to be stared at when I don’t know about it.  It takes us a good five minutes to establish enough trust in each other to know that we are both keeping our eyes tightly shut.  When he counts to ten and I am finally given permission to look,  Paul Pulseman has gone into an intense trance. Or at least he knows how to give a good impression of someone who has.  Suddenly his eyes snap open and he looks wildly off to my right side.

Pulseman:  There’s someone in the room who is very male. He’s an intimidating presence and just crushed my hand with a tremendous grip and called me an F-ing Midget.

Me:  (okay, I’ll take the bait)  Hi Honey.  Well, I guess this is it.  So Long, Farewell, Adios, Goodbye!  Rest in Peace!

Pulseman:  (bellowing) That shirt makes you look like a prostitute!

Me:  Gosh thanks, Dear.  But look, I finally published the novel.  I know you’re “just dying” to read it . . . (holding cover of book toward ceiling.)

Pulseman:  If you’re gonna be an author, dress like a damn author!

Me:  You should talk. With that hair and those tattoos – – You look like some sort of Hippy Clairvoyant. Oh, wait. That’s what you’re supposed to be.”

Mr. Pulseman gingerly points one slender finger toward the ceiling to remind me that it’s not really him who utters these words. Of course it’s him.

Me:  Tell him to say something that proves his identity.

Pulseman:  He says you never used to call him Honey or Dear.  And he doesn’t have to prove a damn thing to you and you should show some respect to your elders. Oh and also . . .  get your long hair out of your face so people can see your beautiful eyes.

Me:  Respect my elders?  Wait a minute.  Aha – – You Phony Baloney!  I’m two years OLDER than this husband.  Gotcha!

Pulseman:  You’re two years older than your own father?

Wait a sec!   Hold the phone!   My Dad??  I am stunned.  My father always did nag me to get my hair cut.  I guess old habits “die hard.”   I narrow my eyes and stare Pulseman in the face, willing him to back down from this charade.  But his pupils dart spastically off to my left side.

Pulseman: (high-pitched)  I’ll bet that novel you wrote has tons of run-on sentences and ill-placed commas.  Just like your eighth grade report on Hemingway did. The one that earned you a C-.”

Me:  Mama??  You aren’t invited here today. I already made my peace with you a year after you passed away.

Pulseman:  It’s “weren’t invited,” Missy.  Still mixing up your tenses, I see.   And it’s “Crossed Over,” not passed away.”

Me: (apologetically to Pulseman) Mama was an English teacher. And a stickler.

Pulseman:  (head jerking to the right again)  Lydia! You never told me our daughter got a C- on that thing! I should ground your butt for a month, Young Lady!  Your mother went too easy on you. Letting you date That Jerk instead of insisting you study.

Pulseman: (looking up just above my head) Hey, baby. It’s “The Jerk” here.  Wow, been a long time since I’ve been on top of you. You’re still looking pretty hot. Remember when we went to third base on my motorcycle the night before I crashed into that brick wall?

My first boyfriend?!  Geeze, I wonder if my parents have ears that they can cover?

Pulseman: (gravelly Brooklyn Jewish accent)  So?  You’re wearing my good pearl earrings? You knew they were supposed to stay in the safety deposit box until you became a big shot Best Selling Author.   Doesn’t anybody bother to listen to a Grandma anymore?

Me:  Look, take it easy everyone.

Pulseman:  Quite the family you have here.  In addition to having a degree in Paranormal Psychology,  I’m a certified psychotherapist.  Why don’t I conduct a family session right now to help with some of this dysfunction you have going on.

Me: (yelling) I am NOT dysfunctional.  This is ridiculous.

Pulseman:  Don’t raise your voice to me, Missy.  Or you’ll never get my special, “Heavenly” brisket recipe that’s being held in your trust fund.

Seriously? How hard can it be to make this ??

Seriously? How hard can it be to make this ??

Amongst a bunch of clatter and family squabbling, Paul Pulseman discreetly leans over to inform me there are now several Aunts, Uncles and Cousins quietly sitting in the back of the room, their hands neatly folded in their laps, (wearing cowboy hats and bandanas) waiting patiently for their turn to speak.  This doesn’t sound like any kind of behavior exhibited in my extended family.

Me:  Listen guys, can we just agree to disagree here?  You didn’t leave me enough inheritance to keep coming back for more sessions.

Now Mr. Pulseman eagerly reports back to me in a hushed tone, confirming that the relatives in the back are actually here for his next client, a woman from Texas. They got the time wrong and arrived early. They hate to be late.  However, he continues,  they are quite impressed with my attitude and hope their own niece will be just as good-natured.

I shoot Mr. Pulseman a look that says, “You are one Whacked-Out Psycho Dude.”

Pulseman:  Sorry about all this.  Sometimes these things happen.  What’s the name of the individual you actually came hoping to talk with today?

Me: (if he’s so intuitive, why doesn’t he know?)   It was a husband.

Pulseman: (sobbing)  Oh No Jack, our darling girl has become a Widow!

Pulseman:   Now, now, Lydia.  It was all that bacon and ham. And that good for nothing gentile never got his lazy ass off that sofa I built for them.

Me:  Stop it everyone.

Pulseman:  Will someone tell a poor old grandmother just how the husband actually passed on?

Me:  Don’t you mean “Crossed Over?”  And I stabbed him.

DEAD SILENCE.

Pulseman:  Hear that??  I told you we weren’t strict enough with her, Lydia.  Now she’s a murderer.

Me:  Will you relax and chill out?  It was the husband in my novel.  I had to kill him off; he was raping other women characters who dressed too seductively.   I just came here today to test out this “Life After Death” mumbo jumbo and prove to my friend that it’s all just a big crock.  If any real husband HAD shown up, I would have known that you were a Fake.

The room is suddenly filled with tremendous whining and complaining.  Lots of upsetting accusations flying around bemoaning (or moaning?) the fact that I don’t care enough to base my fictional characters after each of them.

I put my hand over my ears and stand up,  preparing to take my leave – – but first I wave to the Polite Relatives who are just “killing time” in the back of the office and carefully mouth the words, “You are sooooo lucky!”

As I exit out  The Other Side of Mr. Pulseman’s door and into the peace and quiet of  This Side,  I am extraordinarily grateful to be back in the Land of the Living, where life is always predictable and sane.

During the drive home my cellphone rings and I’m surprised to hear Mr. Pulseman’s voice on The Other Side of the line.

Pulseman:  How did I do?

Me:  Huh?

Pulseman:  Tiffany traded the lowdown dirt on your family for discounted sessions with me.  And in exchange, you’re going to write about me in your blog because you’ve run out of interesting subject matter. Good advertising for me and a chance to get Freshly Pressed for you.  It’s a win/win for everyone.  Kills two birds with. . .

Me: I’m gonna strangle Tiffany.

Pulseman:  That’s nice.  Come back and see me next year and I’ll arrange a visit between you two.  By the way, Pulsemann is spelled with two n’s.

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